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Got a Tale to tell!

Got a Tale to tell is a morality play with a moral pronouncement and a lesson in mind in identifying marriage-weary people who no longer find pleasure in a marital relationship but who do not wish to dissolve a conjugal wedlock.

Amour outside marriage

 

My old head coach, Paul Marchand played a game of Russian roulette when he embarked on a dangerous liaison with Miss Lucy Gaston, his secretary.   It was an extramarital affair, which began in the office, and it ended in mental pain to his wife and an embarrassment to the workers’ party to which he was a member of. He is sorry now but at my old school we were given the cane as a punishment for naughtiness and he should have be given the bullet for unfaithfulness.  Despite having been made to play the clown and having been compared to an organism, which lives in another organism, taking sustenance from it without rendering anything in return, by the tabloid, his wife forgave his infidelity and he was allowed to stay in office.  This was my head coach's greatest achievement since he was ineffectual, inefficient and above all excessively vain.

 

Note:

Pressing on, his behaviour is worthy of a momment's separate attention since this incident brought an extreme heated debate among his peers. The jury was out albeit in my view he was not entitled to a trial for in my book he was guilty as hell, but guilty he was found not, and as he wallowed in his jubilation the potatoes boiled dry and I was left cursing the dogma of the agnostics and the divining rod of law-makers. Indeed, I didn't like the wrong that had been done but I must not deflect from the job in hand which is my writing of this morality play. I lost ground because I did not know how to go about it but more often than not it takes one to point one in the right direction. I hope you'll enjoy it.

 

My tale begins in the office:

 

Paul Marchand arrives at his office: “Good morning Miss Gaston” (He was an old and overweight geezer, an unalluring sort of person, from Yorkshire but not a fat cat by any conventional means though he loved to give the impression that he was one. Still, he had a very responsible job in the community).

Lucy Gaston: “Good morning monsieur. How are you today (She was young, french, single and pretty)”

Paul Marchand: “I am very well, thank you, and you?”

Lucy Gaston: “I am very well, thank you, monsieur”

Paul Marchand: “Is there any mail for me?” 

Lucy Gaston: “Sorry monsieur. The postman is a bit late today”

Paul Marchand: (Looking out of the window)“Nice weather isn't it?”

Lucy Gaston: “Indeed monsieur, it is nice out there”

Paul Marchand:   (Still looking out of the window)“I hope you don’t mind my asking; ....do you have any hobbies at all”

Lucy Gaston: “Yes, monsieur (with a start of surprise), I like playing the guitar, painting, reading, photography and a bit of DIY”

Paul Marchand: “Excellent” (With a broad smile). “I like playing the guitar too and doing a bit of DIY and all the rest of it, now and again”

Lucy Gaston: “I am pleased for you, monsieur.”

Paul Marchand: (Then, taking a visible interest in Miss Gaston’s fine figure, he asked curiously) “Tell me...Are you doing anything this afternoon”

Lucy Gaston: “No..Nothing, monsieur…Why.” (She answered nervously)

Paul Marchand:”Would you like to have lunch with me?”

Lucy Gaston: “ Certainement, monsieur. But what about your wife, monsieur. Wouldn't she mind?”

Paul Marchand: “Of course she would,... if she knew,... but she is not, is she?”

Lucy Gaston: “Not on my account, monsieur”

Paul Marchand: “Excellent, I shall book a table for two for one o'clock this afternoon at Chez Fabre right away”

Lucy Gaston: “Yes, all right”

 

Eating out at chez Fabre

 

On arrival:

 

Waiter: “Good afternoon, Madame et monsieur. Soyez les bienvenus Chez Fabre”

Paul Marchand: “I would like a table for two, please”

Waiter: “Do you have a reservation, monsieur”?

Paul Marchand: “Yes, certainement”

Waiter: “What name, s’il vous plaît?”

Paul Marchand: “ Marchand. Paul Marchand”

Waiter: (Looking at the book reservation) “Oui, trés bien. This way please”

Paul Marchand: (Once seated, Paul consulte le menu) “Do you have a menu in English?”

Waiter: “Mais oui monsieur”

Paul Marchand: “Can I have a look it, please?”

Waiter: “Certainement, monsieur. Voilá le menu en anglais”

Paul Marchand: “Merci.”

Waiter: “Would you like anything to drink, Madame et monsieur?”

Lucy Gaston: “De l’eau mineral, s’il vous plaît”

Waiter: “Oui, Madame. Et vous monsieur, qu’est-ce vous desirez comme boire”

Paul Marchand: “Je vais prendre a pint of lager. Please”

Waiter: “Trés bien, monsieur et Madame”(He goes to bar and brings the drinks) ”Enjoy your drinks ”(and departs again).

Paul Marchand: “You... look wonderful today miss Gaston”

Lucy: “Do I monsieur?” (She responded a bit embarrassed by his compliment)

Paul Marchand: “Your calling me monsieur makes me a bit uncomfortable. Would you care to call me Paul. instead? ….Pleeease”.

Lucy Gaston: “Very well....Il n'y a pas de problem! I shall call you Paul from now on. And I hope you wouldn’t mind calling me Lucy”

Paul marchand: “Absolutely not. I was looking forward to do so, anyhow”

Lucy: “How d’you mean?”

Paul: “Well, the thing is that I like working with you and I would like to get to know you better and see more of you, you know, outside work and all the rest”

Lucy: “How d'you mean Paul? Do you..... want to have a relationship with me? Is it what you are implying”

Paul: “ Well yes. I....find you are a very attractive lady and I miss you a great deal when I don’t see you during the day, and I even often dream about you. Yeah, I want to spend a little time with you in... order to get to know you better, and, of course, to see more of you, and je veux tout savoir de toi"

Lucy ”How much more of me do you want to see?"

Paul: “All of you, of course, I want to be with you and all the rest"  

Lucy” But how about your wife”

Paul: “My wife, I almost forgot about her. Well, the thing is, ... she doesn’t understand me and the truth is that I am no longer in love with her”

Lucy: “ Really, I have heard it all before"

 Paul: “ Yeah, I suppose. The thing is..., I am... in love with you et j'ai besoin de toi"
 

Lucy: “I don't know what to say ....but I don’t feel as strongly about you and this is going too fast for me, I think”

Paul: “Okay, I understand but would you stay with me tonight at the office in spite of that”

Lucy “What do mean? …. You’d like to go to bed with me; is it what you are saying? ” 

Paul: “ Tu veux vraiment savoir? ....Yeah! I’d... like to go to bed with you, fondre dans tes bras, faire l’amour avec toi toute la nuit et Je veux voir le lever du soleil avec toi" 
 

Lucy: “Tu es très vite et certainement  you don't waste much time, do you?

Paul: "Is that a yes then?"

Lucy: "Ce n'est pas facile Paul mais... I...I won't say that I am not interested but"

Paul: "What? Es-tu vierge?

Lucy: "Certainly not"

Paul: "What's holding you back then?

 Lucy: "Nothing......Okay! I agree to go to bed with you only if we use a condom, though.  We have to be careful, you know, AIDS, foot-and-mouth disease and all other sexual transmitted diseases. Do you have a Condom?”

Paul: “No; but I’ll be careful. I Promise”

Lucy: “No? In that case we won’t do it”

Paul: “Is all right I’ll ask my driver to go the chemist to fetch me a packet of six and all that jazz”.

 Lucy: "Don't be silly, don't you realise that it may conduce to the world knowing about our affair if your driver were to tell anyone". 

Paul: " Gee! I guess that.... I didn't think of that. "

Lucy: "Dolt" (She said shaking her head). "This is a restaurant not a chemist shop" 

Paul: (ill at easy he picked up his glass and took a swig) " Sorry, I wasn't thinking properly. It is the stress" 

Lucy: " You are a fool but I forgive you"

Paul: "Look! We are in luck q

Paul: "Formidable!...  It is quite tricky to say this but I have only been unfaithful five times before in my entire life and I'm still not all that comfortable with it even though I am in a dysfunctional relationship with my wife"

 Lucy:" It is odd but understandable"

 Paul: " Thanks for being so understanding"

Lucy: " Isn't it time we get down to some zig-a-zig-ah".

Paul: (Stuck for words he looked at her aghast) " You lost me". 

Lucy:" Don't you want to be with me now?".   

Paul: "Well yes! Mais oui. Certainement"

Lucy:" Don't you think it is time we shoot off?" 

Paul: "Cool-thinking.  I have all the energy in the world to put it to work"

Lucy:" Yeah! It is time to step it up a notch then".

Paul" Step up what?" 

Lucy:"The job in hand,....well..you know.. you and I ..together and all the rest"

 Paul:"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 

Lucy:" Now you're talking some sense!. What is it gone to be, then, the Queen's hotel at Crystal Palace or my place in Upper Norwood" 

Paul: "We had better go to your place this time"

Lucy: "Pas de problem" 

Paul: "Are we going to have something to eat before we leave"

Lucy: "Pas non!  Your luck is written in gold today for I Know a place where only saucy food is served" 

 Paul: "Well that's excellent! But where?"

Lucy: "My flat silly"  

Paul: "Got you"

Lucy: "I need a cooking pot with a long handle, though"

Paul: "D'you mean a saucepan?

Lucy: "You have a very low quotient of imagination, haven't you?" 

Paul: "Yeaah! I suppose so. Whatever that is but please stop playing up with my intelligence"

Lucy: " We had better be going before the fizziness of my passion goes flat".

Paul: "Yes, of course. But I'm warning you I got cellulite"

Lucy: " That's too apparent".

Paul: " By the way, I'm not a sheep or a member of the cattle family "

Lucy: " How d'you mean?"

Paul: " Never mind. Ce n'est pas d'importance!

 Lucy: "Well, It is smaller than average and it needs doing up, and all the rest"

Paul: "What?.. have you seen it,then? when?"  

Lucy: " Don't be daft. Not it. I wasn't referring to the size of your artillery or your hurdy-gurdy you know what. I was talking about the size of my flat"

Paul: "Blimey! That's a relief.  Let' get out here then. Waiter...Garzon, L'addition, s'il vous plait"

Lucy: "Il y a des fantômes dans ma flat" 

Paul: " What? C’est trop bruyant ici, I can't hear myself thinking. What did you say" 

Lucy:"Never mind"

Paul: "Lucy, tu es la meilleure chose qui me soit arrivée et je veux passer le restant de ma vie avec toi. Prends-moi dans tes bras.... As-tu deja aimé quelqu'un?"
 

Lucy:"Hold your horses, mate. Not in public. Et fais attention a ce que tu dis! You are going too fast"

Paul: "I am sorry I don't know what came over me. Garzon!, Garzon!" 

 Waiter: “Un instant, s'il vous plait, Monsieur" 

Paul: "Don't be too long, will you?  

Waiter: (At arrival)"Oui, monsieur, qu'est -ce qu'il ne va pas, Monsieur. Tout va bien j'espere?"  

Paul: "Oui, tout va bien mais... something came up and ...we have to get down to things or the spark of the moment will go flat. ....You know what I mean"  

 Waiter: "Non, monsieur, excuse-moi mais I don't know what you mean!

Paul: "Never mind. Here is fifty quid. That should cover the two drinks and your discerment"   

Waiter: "Oh, Monsieur, vous etes trop aimable"

Paul: "Pas du tout. C'est un petit cadeau".

Waiter: "Au revoir, monsieur et Madame, amusez-vous bien" 

Paul: "We will. Lucy, viens donc!"

Lucy: " Je suis très curieuse mais... fifty quid for a couple of drinks is far too much. Oh! Les hommes!

Note:

This is a cock-and-bull story in its fullness and you will do well if you were to bear the strength of it and manage to avoid swallowing it with hook, line and sinker in one go but in a world of probabilities the impossible can easily happen. Be on your guards. However, you don't have to leave this site to hide your laughter or utter words with closed teeth since I am totally convinced that you would be amused at my attempting to amuse you; but long live your amusement and long live my endeavour to test your discernment and humour. Broke but content I am, there is the point in writing this story and as I take my leave I ask you not to strain your voice for a sensible person like you would never engage in a fencing match of words with me or anyone else for something so trifling as a triviality while Rome is burning.   

 P.Figueras