The Olden days of football!

London Town

The Chronicle of the animal Kingdom's sporting life!


Football has been a part of wildlife in the British Islands and the world as a whole for many centuries. Indeed, the Dinosaurian League in the Mesozoic Era was one of the most exciting league in Great Britain and creatures from different parts of Gondwanaland (The prehistoric name given to our planet before it was called Earth) played in it more than 60 million years ago. Let us take a trip down memory lane when football was in its prime in Londinium and gigantic animals rambled around Gondwanaland over 60 million years ago in what was known as the Cretaceous period, and Gondwanaland's  gargantuan domain was part of one elephantine continent. Certainly, football was played then on a large treeless stretch of grassland at Upper Norwood Playing Fields in the Borough of Croydon, South East of London. Dongor "Triceratops" Farquhar-Salmond from bonny Scotland, a horned dinosaur, good with finance and all that jazz, was the manager of the "Terrible Lizards Football Club." They played their home games in an area of grassy land belonging to the Borough of Westminster in Central Londinium. Dongor "Triceratops" Farquhar-Johnson was well known for his ability to talk a lot of nonsense and at length, and for arguing unremittingly with the officials and often, in a fit of temper, he would divest its anger in a widely exaggerated parodied routine in which he used to jump and stamp on the ground, heavily and repeatedly in a tantrum whenever a call went against his team. Moreover, he used to be far too often criticised for his drinking spree and he was once heavily censured by the media for drying a licensed bar in East Londinium of its booze in one visit, smoking too much and for not having a good working relationship with his coaching staffs: Peter " Hop-Along" Johnson, better known by his cronies as "The Polar Bear", Gorgoe "Stegosaurus" Osborne, a frightful-looking creature with a row of shields along its spine, and pointing into the air from Western Gondwanaland in the new forest, who was in fact a vegetarian tight-wad whose prejudiced sight would not allow to see the plight of its own kind and would sort out any team or player that was not in accord, and Ian "The deceiver" Hayes, an hypocritical, two-faced, insensitive hybrid cold-blooded egg-laying vertebrate Lizard", who resembled an Archaeopteryx, a feathered creature - part bird, part reptile from western Britain - that had wings which it used to parachute from trees to the ground and had teeth like a reptile and claws on the end of its wings. There was also a winger named William Smith, nicknamed "The Terrible Tyrannosaurus" from Yorkshire, an ill-tempered and fearsome creature, measuring over 46 feet from its nose to the tip of its tail, ever to play for the Terrible Lizards and a midfield player named Leonard Foxy, a two-faced, insensitive hybrid cold-blooded egg-laying vertebrate Lizard from South Londinium. These two were two of Dongor "Triceratops" Farquhar-Salmond most fearless critics and reporters for the "Sporting Phororhacos", a large flightless bird news rock magazine in Streatham - South London. They were very good at writing headlines and articles that would make news in the sporting pages of the Londinium tabloids. They also worked as a part-time traffic wardens in the city of Londinium when they were not playing. It has been said that there were a number of football teams in Londinium, notably, The Blue Chelsea Amphibians, The Jersey Ichthyosaurus, from which mammals evolved, The Gliding Pteranodons, the Aquatic Mesosaurus, The East African Brachiosaurus, the Oxfordshire Megalosaurus Bucklandi Lizards, The Bromley Brontosaurus and the Richmond Mammoth which played in the South East League in England. Unfortunately, when Gondwanaland split into continents all the creatures were sent to a far off distant land to live a lonely and mysterious life, and many of those teams and creatures became extinct, and some others had no other option but to accept an evolutionary way of life in order to survive.  However, in recent times football has raisen the bar to a new euphoria, as an entertainment commodity and as hospitality provider, and  as an enterprise it has fulfilled the expectations of a number of people who have had faith in its huge economical potential by enduing them with worthwhile results. Nevertheless, the new Dinosaurian British League began last night when The Gentility Blues hosted The Vicious Eaters at Roundshaw Playing Fields in the Borough of Sutton. The slanting rain threatened to obliterate a pleasant sunny day but the game went ahead all the same. As it was expected the contest became a nail biting affair with both teams given their all for their cause. In the first half The Vicious Eaters had a number of chances to score but the goalkeeper,  Elephant Solomon, managed to deny The Vicious Eaters' Argentinean centre forward, Puma Gonzalez twice in the first five minutes of the first half. In the twentieth minute, there was another chance that went begging when The Vicious Eaters' number eight, Tiger Harefoot, fired over the bar from close range. Gentility Blue's attacking midfielder, Skunk Harris, had a penalty shout turned down by the first official, Nick Rabbit, when Lion Richard seemingly brought him down unfairly in the penalty area. Soon after, all hell broke loose when Lion Richard tackled Skunk Harris from behind and nothing was given. Skunk Harris ran after Lion Richard and very soon they were exchanging paws. Players from both sides came face to face in the middle of the park and a free-for-all took place. Lion Richard decided to take matters into his own hands and began to chase Skunk Harris all over the pitch. He managed to corner Skunk Harris near the left hand side stand of the park. Anxiously, Skunk Harris turned his face to the empyrean hoping perhaps to be saved by divine intervention. All of the sudden, Lion Richard gave free rein to a mighty roar that was heard in the King's Road, which in turn, rendered Skunk Harris speechless. Certainly, Lion Richard was poised for action. However, Skunk Harris had retained his composure as he raised his bold black-and-white tail to warn Lion Richard to stay away.  Lion Richard ignoring Skunk Harris' warning decided to draw nigh in an intimidating fashion ready to strike at the seemingly helpless Mustelidae but it was stopped in his tracks before it could get near Skunk Harris when it released a foul-smelling spray in Lion Richard's face irritating its eyes. The irritant liquid served its turn as it helped Skunk Harris to turn the situation to his benefit. There and then, Skunk Harris decided to turn his steps towards the opposite stand and resolved to run to the safety of the dugout and hide there.  The official, Nich Rabbit, had no choice but to send off the two players.  Within five minutes after the cessation of hostilities, the Game resumed and The Vicious Eaters' coach, Cameleon Boras Johnson, decided to play four forwards on offensive to rise above the opposition. Gentility Blue's centre-back, Hippo Swarthy, was at the heart of the defence keeping an eye on right winger Cheetah James' crosses towards the centre of Gentility Blues' goal. Gentility Blues' coach, Theo "Robin Red Breast" Miliband, seemed pleased about his team performance as they were working so hard to put one over their rivals.   Gentility Blues' best chance arrived in the last minute of the first half when mid-fielder Lemur Coxcomb teed up Stallion Bologna and the Italian International put the ball in the stand with the goal at his mercy. Things hotted up in the fifth minute of the second half when Gentility Blues' right back, Giraffe Lackland, was found guilty of tripping The Vicious Eaters' let winger, Jaguar Ferdinand, in the penalty area. Vicious Eaters' second striker, Cobra Torres, stepped up to the penalty spot and duly scored his first goal of the season as Gentility Blue's goalkeeper, Elephant Solomon, moving on leaden feet, failed to save the shot. Gentility Blues raised their game a little in the twelveth minute when South-African right midfielder International, Zebra Percy, had a glorious chance to level the score as left midfielder, Parrot Hotspurs, put him through with only the keeper to beat but his tame effort landed on Vicious Eaters' goalkeeper's hands. Ten minutes later, Fox Cunning and  Bear Johnson managed to combine and get the better of Gentility Blue's centre-back, Hippo Swarthy, as the latter's cross was met by centre back Shark Copper Nose's head for Vicious Eaters' second goal of the game.  Gentility Blues' response was immediately as Swan Parson pinpointed pass found Deer Steward in acres of space in the box who drove the ball past the on rushing Vicious Eaters' goalkeeper, Wolf Cole. In the fortieth minute, Gazelle Noble netted for the Gentility Blues to level the score after a long pass from sub Peacock Riley. There was an anxious moment in the last minute of the game when sub Kangaroo O'Neill fell Rhino Blair-Browser in the box and the official had no choice but to point to the penalty spot, the Vicious Eaters' second of the game.  Sub Bulldog Duncan-Smith stepped to take the spot kick but he was denied by the uncoordinated Gentility Blue's goalkeeper, Elephant Solomon. It was the last kick of the match as the official whistling signalled the end of the game. All of a sudden, a thrill of excitement appeared to have run through a young well-chested female rhino who ran onto the pitch and began to divest herself of her apparel to the amusement of the crowd. Threading through the players without a thread on, the young lass headed towards the kick off spot in pursue of media attention but she was caught by the long arm of the law and arrested for indecent exposure before she could reach her port of call. Reluctantly, she was lead away from the pitch by the force to a storm of applause. The thrill of watching the young lass in her altogether dissolved into laughter in some sections of the crowd as most of the away supporters were rolling in the aisles. It transpired that the young streaker was Rhino Blair-Browser's girlfriend who he had taken to the match to see him playing. On the face of it, Rhino Blair-Browser was not very pleased with her behaviour since it brought him considerable embarrassment as his team mates could not stop talking about the naked truth of the stark incident.  Gentility Blues' coach, Theo "Robin Red Breast" Miliband's half-time pep talk unquestionably had the desired effect since his team fought for every ball played and their performance made him proud. Nevertheless, It must be said that The Vicious Eaters had plenty of the football but did not have the spirited initiative and leadership to subdued their fellow competitors. To put it into context, they lacked equanimity in possession which The Gentility Blues threatened to capitalize on, and their team spirit was brought into question when Bulldog Duncan-Smith had an argument with Rhino Blair-Browser about the missing of a penalty in the last minute of the game. All in all, it could have been a different story if Bulldog Duncan-Smith' s steadiness had not succumbed to pressure and he had managed to score the awarded spot kick.

  Final score:   Gentility Blues  2    Vicious Eaters  2.


Gentility Blues


1- Swan Parson
2- Dino Duke
3- Hippo Swarthy
4- Zebra Percy
5- Parrot Hotspur
6- Deer Steward
7- Gazelle Noble
8- Giraffe Lackland
9- Elephant Solomon
10- Stallion Bologna
11- Lemur Coxcomb
12- Kangaroo O'neil (sub)
13- Peacock Riley (sub)


Vicious Eaters

1- Shark Copper Nose
2- Puma Gonzalez
3- Leopard Brown
4- Wolf Cole
5- Cobra Torres
6- Fox Cunning
7- Tiger Harefoot
8- Cheetah James
9- Jaguar Ferdinand
10- Bear Johnson
11- Rhino Blair-Browser
12- Bulldog Smith (sub)

P.Figueras