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A PUB IN PENGE

A PUB IN PENGE is a cock-and-bull story in its fullness and you will do well if you were to bear the strength of it and manage to avoid swallowing it with hook, line and sinker in one go but in a world of probabilities the impossible can easily happen. Be on your guards.

 

A Public House In Penge

It was a fresh summer Friday evening when Harry Littlebottom arrived at the Second Wondrous Crooked Billet Waterhole somewhere in Penge, showing signs of overindulgence in alcohol consumption, where he had arranged to meet Susan Perfidiousa–Feloniousa, his girlfriend. Susan was a compulsive flirt, which used to drive Harry to distraction. Nonetheless, he was a very patient and long-suffering sort of chap. He was an unemployed cook who was permanently drunk and broke. Indeed, he was penniless but he was a content man since most of the time Susan would subsidize his drinking and smoking habits. He never pretended to be what he was not and he would always be himself until the final curtain and the last orders. Characteristically, Susan would be at the bar trying to chat up the barman or a punter while ordering a drink; but this time no one was seemingly interested since nobody requited her attention and left her in a state of hermitage in one corner of the bar. Nevertheless, ten minutes later a not very alluring bold little man, named Salvatore Di Stefano, came to the bar and Susan made an attempt to seduce the poor soul; but her bid was abruptly foiled by Harry's arrival at the warm and snug waterhole.

Susan: (Cheerfully)

“Hello Harry. You are early tonight”

Harry: (Looking a little the worse for wear) 

“Am I?…What's the time?"

Susan: (Sharply)

“I don't have the time. Haven't you got a watch?".

Harry: "If I had one what on earth would I be asking you the time for, dearest?"

Susan: "Indeed. By the way, did anything interesting happen at football tonight?”

Harry: (Slightly apprehensive)

“How d’you mean?”

Susan: (Cagey)

“Nothing really…..It is just that I've known you long enough to know when something isn't right”

Harry: (Harassed)

“Starting on me already, aren't  you?….I need a drink"

Susan: (evasively)

“Yeah, I mean, no, no……I just like to hear what you get up to, you know and all the rest”

Harry: (Defensively)

“Why would I want to get up to anything? It's only a bleeding game of football, isn't it?”

Susan: (apologetically)

“I am so sorry; I didn't mean to inflame you.…Still, I just can't see why you have to be so angry at me all the time”

Harry: (Appellant)

"Well,..the thing is.. you are always asking me silly questions when I am too far gone for heartless inquisition. Besides, I need a drink”

Susan: “Noah, noah…I am not this time, I promise”

Harry: (Slightly surprised)

“How d’you mean?”

Susan: (Worried) 

“Well…I…I spoke to Paul Hardman a minute ago before you got here and he told me about the incident you and Jack Scott Buchanan had on the football pitch tonight”

Harry: (Puzzled)

“Yeah?”

Susan: (Impatiently)

“Tell me...What did happen?”

Harry: (Bravely and resolutely he raised his voice in an unvarying tone)

“I trod on his toes and I crushed them…….It was an accident!”

Susan: (Twittering)

“Was he mad?”

Harry: (Nervously)

“Mad… that is putting it mild. The man went berserk”

Susan: (She wanted to say something sensible but didn't know how to put it) 

“But….then he would, wouldn’t he? ".

Harry: (Meekly)

“I suppose so”

Susan: (Astutely) 

“ I am sure it was nothing more than a storm in a teacup. Did you shake hands afterwards”

Harry:(Stoutly)

“ Certainly not.  Mind you, it was  entirely his decision not to do so since  I tried to show him a white feather but he completely ignored me. He was so furious that he became very unfriendly and unrestrained. His belligerence was such that he lost control of his bearing and his language was obscene and irresponsible. He literally humiliated my character when he unmanfully gestured with his fingers the number of times he wore my crown. I was utterly humiliated”

Susan: (Il at ease she tried to adjust her reply) 

“How can he be so obnoxious. In my book he represents the dregs of society........ Yeah! It was a mismatch, wasn't it? You are not often involved in scene of that nature. Paul said that he was a fly in the ointment since his attitude was irresponsible and insensitive. He also said that a one point he had to move unilaterally to put his foot down and asked Jack Scott to cool it down”

Harry: (Concerned and emotionally maladjusted he replied quickly) 

“It certainly was a bad experience and I hope that I won’t see a repeat of it ever again, if I see him later on tonight in here I shall not encroach his boundary. Yes I will ignore him. Yeah! Yeah! It was awful, especially when he was making a mockery of my being your boyfriend. I can never escape the mark of social disgrace now since he revealed to the world what I already knew but I did not want to open an eye to your sinful lust for I was scared of losing you. I am not a cuckold but that is what everyone in Penge is saying. It’s just as well that I am a happy rebel against the establishment and I don’t give a toss about society and its principles of morality”

Susan: (Alarmingly)

“Poor Harry, you have suffered more than you unfold. Judging by  his social conduct, merely on that reason alone, he gets on my nerves, Jack Scott Buchanan does ”

Harry: (Sarcastically)

“Not enough to stop you going to bed with him more than once”

Susan: (Agitatedly)

“Gee!.. How many times did he say I went with him?”

Harry: (Composed) 

“Three times!”

Susan: (Disquieted)

“Goodness me! Not that many times. Nah, nah, that’s too many”

Harry : (Not very amused) 

"I have no compassion on your discomfort since you were cheating on me. How good was he in you, Jack Scott Buchanan? "

Susan: (Resentfully)

“He acted as a true gentleman at all time and I certainly was lost inside of him. He had me under a spell and I became his candy girl. I was in such state of mind that I could no longer think straight and I even had to do his washing up 'cos he wouldn't be bothered to do it himself. Yeah! I was in the throes of his subjection and influence which made me lose my sense of dignity and integrity.  But there's more to it, isn't there.... You seem to take delight in turning me, don't you?"

 Harry: (Confused) 

“Maybe, perhaps, it's possibly, but that is insufficient to find solace in my unhappiness. Why didn't you tell me about it"

Susan: (Uncertain)

"I really don't have an answer to that. Still, you hardly speak to me these days" 

 Harry: (Uneasily)

“But what made you turn to Jack Scott Buchanan, in the first instance, surely it wasn't his appearance or wealth, the guy is a slob and he is always broke"

Susan:  (She was a woman of low intelligence quotient and her rational prompteness had less quickness than a slow-moving land reptile with a dome-shaped shell)

"I really don't know...... I guess I didn't see a good outcome of my telling you what I had been up to. Besides it was just a bit of fun on the side" 

Harry: (Crossly)  

"I don't break easily but my heart, my heart, my poor heart, for heaven's sake, woman you are tearing it to pieces"

Susan: (Callously)

“There's no need to be so tear-jerker, you are above all that, surely. Besides, it is over between Jack Scott Buchanan and I"

Harry: (Content to endure a passive endurance)

“ It really doesn’t matter anymore how many times you slept with him. All I know is that while you have been sleeping with me, eating with me, pretending to be faithful to me and all the rest, you have been having affairs after affairs and lowering your dignity and mine in the process”

Susan: (Apologetically) 

“I am sorry. If it were in my power to turn back the clock, I'd never do what I have done”

Harry: (Amusingly)

“Really Susan….Tell me, have there been any others?”

 

Susan: (Putting a thin roll of shredded tobacco in a thin paper and sealing it with her lips, she lights it and inhales it while drinking ale alternatively. she does all that before answering Harry's question)

“Yeah!…There have been many, many more encounters with people I hardly know, a one-night stand, if you like. Sorry, but I just cannot help myself having encounters of that nature when I have had a bit too much to drink. I seem to have an abnormally intense passionate drive for that sort of things. I had a lot of problems when I was a child, you see. My father went to the supermarket for a pint of milk one afternoon and he did not return, leaving my mother and I to fend for ourselves. Mother reared me alone and she used to allow me a great deal of freedom. I often brought boyfriends home and they were allowed to stay the night and all the rest.

Harry: (Facetiously)

“You have certainly put it about, haven’t you?”

Susan:(Confident and fearless)  

“Yeah! But I am not proud of it”

Harry: (Anxious about her reputation before the opinion of others)

“I understand but don’t tell anyone else what you have just said. They’d spread it all about”

Susan: (Humbly)

“I fear they have already done so”

Harry: (Startled)

“How can it be so?"

Susan: "It certainly  wasn't me who made it widely known to Penge and the rest of the world but it is really not an issue with me since, for once, an idle talk has its facts right."  

Harry: "Who am I to disagree with that, but still life goes on." 

Susan: (Disappointed)

“Had I known that he was going to kiss and tell and talk about me in such a way in public, I certainly would not have called on him this afternoon or ever, but I can escape his endemic insincererity now. I should have never met his aquaintance as he turned out to be exactly what I had expected all the while. An ass"

 Harry: (Nervously)

 “What did you go to see him for?"

Susan: (Coolly)

 “I fancied a smoke and all that jazz?

Harry: (Anxiously)

“Susan, Susan, make of this what you will but my heart is in your custody even though I know you are guilty; but I am not tormented by jealousy and I shall not allow that which concerns me most dearly to be influence by fear of losing you to a rival. He or she who has a mind so pure that has never allowed foul thoughts to proliferate in his/hers mind has not lived. Even a holy cow has hidden flaws. I forgive you. I must have a drink”

Susan: (Seemingly miserable)

“I know that I have been unworthy of my character but how can I prove I am genuine to you now….I promise you that I will do all I can to make you amends for your forgiveness and we can then find the promise land all over again.... . Here is some money, go and get yourself a drink”

Harry: (Utterly furious)

“Stop! Stop! Don’t keep turning me over with your sweet talk. Sanity is all I am asking for. Many is the time you have made me feel like the invisible man as you often leave me without a glance. That must stop, right?!”

Susan: (Lowly)

“Do you still love me?”

Harry: (Idly)

“Yeah, I suppose so. I think you are worth keeping”

Susan: (Gaily)

“I fancy a drink”

Harry: (Spurring her on)

“Don’t let me stop you, get them in, then”

Susan: (Gladly)

“Okay! What are you having?”

Harry: (Serenely)

“The usual. A pint of fosters, please”

Susan: (Obediently)

“Aye, aye! Right away.

Harry: (Waving his hand in an imperious sort of way he muttered)

“I need a fag”

Susan: (Hurriedly she returns emptied handy and seemingly very annoyed)

"Harry what is your game? You said that you loved me and all that jazz a minute ago and I have just learnt that you have been cross-fertilizing the barmaid behind my back since she is expecting a child "  

 Harry: (unconcerned)

"Moi, moi, mon cherie? Nah, nah, you are having me on, are'nt you?

Susan: (Visibly uptight)

"I am most certainly not. Peter, the barman just told me what has been going on between you and the little cheek . He claimed that far too often he had seen you feasting your eyes on her and that she had looked at you with an equal deal of pleasure. You have been a naughty boy, haven't you "

Harry: (Chuckling in amusement)

"Certainly not. That report is full of false intelligence.  I can assure you so......II'll tell you this for nothing, if all that were true I would have nothing to wish for"

Susan: (Baffled) "How d'you mean?"

Harry: (Untroubled)

"For goodness's sake, paid no attention to him. He is just teasing you.... Could you really see another woman, besides yourself that is, interested in me?.... I need a drink"

Susan: (Mollified)

 "I suppose no"

Harry: (Calmly)

"So there you are.... Fearful of losing me, Susan?... Well, be not for it is you I want to be with....   Now there's a good girl, go to the bar, ignore whatever he tells you and  get the booze.  By the way can you get some fags as well, please?" 

 Susan: (Not very amused)

"Get them yourself! You are just using me, aren't you?"

Harry: (No reply seemed to be the best reply and he said nothing)

Susan: (She upped and left the Crooked Billet)

Harry: (Seemingly solicitous) "Susan, darling, where are you going? You can't leave me here on my own"

Susan: (Determinedly)

"Yes, I can" 

Harry: (Shamelessly)

"Could I borrow some money, then? You know to pay for beers and all that jazz"

Susan: (Walking away she shouted at Harry)

"Get out of my life, you good-for-nothing little man"

 

Harry: (Desperately)

"Susan, Susan, come back, wait for me baby, you know I love you, with or without wealth..... I need a drink and I'm broke. Blast! Blast! Blast! What am I going to do now?.  I utterly detest my life and the devil in that old dubious barman. My life, my life, it is in ruin now and my reputation in tatters. What am I to do? ....And to crown it all I need a drink... and a fag, but I have no money. What am I to do! What am I to do? Oh God! and to think that I only put up with this loveless relationship for my vices' sake  and to keep some sense of normality in my life; but isn't working, is it? She's gone now. Bother! I need a drink and a fag " 

Curtain's fall

Curtain call

 P.Figueras

Nom de plume