Laura Guthrie
Laura hails from Inverness-Shire. She is a Creative Writing PhD graduate from the University of Glasgow, researching Eleanor H. Porter’s Pollyanna and the representation of Asperger's syndrome in children's fiction. She is the winner of the 2005 Urquhart and Glen Moriston Arts Medal, and 2016 Exeter Story Prize. She writes short and long fiction, poetry, songs and stage plays.
FIRE ALARM
Dear Management,
I’m writing to complain about the volume of the fire alarm. At the last fire our administrator and marketing director were hospitalised with cardiac arrests, and our consultant astrologer was pinned against the wall following a stampede towards what, in our panic, we mistook to be the fire exit…but which actually turned out to be the gents’ room.
Please install a less dramatic alternative.
Yours,
Relationships manager for floor 2B.
ONE WEEK LATER...
Dear Management,
I’m writing to complain about the excessive tranquillity of the fire alarm. Last week, Schubert’s ‘Trout Quintet’ put the entire office except for me, the astrologer (who saw it coming), and the catering officer into a deep and restful slumber. They were overcome by the smoke from the fire (which was real this time).
Kindly resolve this distressing situation, and pay the necessary bills, compensation etc.
Yours,
Relationships manager for floor 2B.
ONE WEEK LATER...
Dear Management,
Thank you! The Bee Gees’ ‘Staying Alive’ was motivating yet reassuring, and no further casualties have occurred. Staff danced their way calmly down the stairs and out to the foyer, where they lined up for roll-call, and bopped along to the music until the fire engine arrived to locate the alarm trigger (a faulty toaster). Now all that remains to be done is to advertise for staff to replace the dead, injured and resigned from last week’s incident, and pay the bills and compensation I mentioned previously. Now, can we please look into what is causing all these fires?
Yours,
Relationships manager for floor 2B.