Parent's Stories

Ciara's Mum's Story...

I was ignorant about mental ill health before Ciara became unwell, and I trained as a nurse. Grief hit our whole family like a tidal wave, within the close family unit our various grief expressions included hyperactivity, drinking, hair loss, needing to remember, needing to forget. When Ciara needed us most, we were all emotionally disjointed and clumsy.

My own reaction was to tinker with the symptoms as they appeared. For the insomnia I suggested changing bedtime routines, audio books, aromatherapy,  massage. I am Ciara's mother, I felt I knew her, I had no patience for the developing phobias and anxieties, these were not things Ciara had worried about before and I was sadly dismissive, thinking they were nonsense.

When Ciara is having a bad day, I have had to learn not to tackle it with a ten point action plan, my own preferred way of dealing with stress. Rather I have to just be with Ciara, not talk, not do something, just be. I can no longer scoop her up and make things better. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn.

If I had my time over, if I could do it differently, I would have listened to Ciara more carefully about what she needed, rather than rush in with what I thought would help. I would have realised that phobias and obsessive behaviours were real attempts at controlling a scary world, not adolescent attention seeking. I would have learned to wait not push, to give space not pressure. I would have sought help earlier and understood that healing takes time.

Ciara has found her own way forward. It is her insight that is teaching me. My hope is that UME will help others too.

Ciara's Dad's Story...

As Ciara’s father, I too was initially quite dismissive about Ciara’s health. I think this is partly because we do all deal with distressing situations in different ways and recognizing that in others is sometimes quite difficult. In particular, I dealt with the death of my son in a very quiet, personal way; something that I now realise was very insular and didn’t really involve the rest of the family. Also, I now understand that both Gill and I had been living with my son’s illness for about ten years and so were partly prepared (as much as we could be) for what the future held. But this of course, was not the same for the younger members of the family, Ciara in particular.

Gill mentioned that she was once a nurse and that, combined with being the mother in the family, tends to make her the first person that our children tend to go to when something is wrong, whether it be an illness or some other problem. Over the years, I have understood this to be a very natural role, although, has tended to push me into the background a little.

My own natural tendency is very much a hands-off approach when dealing with certain problems, especially when it comes to the emotional problems of our children. I suppose this might be true of many men in a family situation. Trying to be supportive when needed but never really pushing that role too far. However, the death of my son was something new for all of us and there are no answers as to how best to deal with it so, it was always going to be difficult.

Looking back, I now believe that initially there were at least two distinct periods of time that we struggled to understand or deal with. The first being the initial stages of Ciara’s depression, which, to be honest I just don’t think we knew how to deal with at all, let alone even recognise at first. I’m sure this must be true of most parents who have to go through similar situations with their children.  The second was the time after we realised that Ciara was struggling with depression. Working out how to deal with this became a huge problem for us as well as for her and one that we initially stumbled through as best we could. As Gill mentioned, Ciara’s symptoms displayed themselves in a number of different ways which we, as her parents, often found both frustrating and annoying.

Looking back now I wish we had been better prepared, but more than that, I also wish Ciara had some form of alternative help to that offered. The idea of teenagers helping teenagers through experience seems to offer an interesting alternative to the conventional approach and is probably far more comfortable for those seeking help.

Felicity's Mum's Story...

My main feeling about what has happened to Felicity is guilt. I feel guilty because things I did in the past have contributed to the situation she is in, guilty because I didn't realise for so long what she was going through and how it was affecting her, and guilty because I don't seem to be able to do much to help her through it now.

Felicity was only 2 when her father and I separated and for a long time it seemed as if it was only her older sister who was really affected by it, but in fact this is where the route of her difficulties seems to lie. She always seemed happy and confident as a child. We went through a very bad phase with her sister when Felicity was in her early teens and she was remarkably perceptive, strong, and supportive. But around this time her health problems started – severe headaches and exhaustion – and she missed a lot of school. There was never any satisfactory diagnosis despite repeated consultations and tests and it was eventually put down to ME but looking back it must have been some sort of reaction to what had happened. I can't believe now that I didn't pick up on this at the time but just took what the doctors said at face value. It's no excuse, but I was so focused on her sister's problems that I just didn't see what was happening to Felicity.

Several years on we have all grown up a bit and in most ways things are fine – for all of us except Felicity. The fact that the rest of us have got over the things that have happened, or are at least able to successfully behave as if we had, has left Felicity feeling increasingly isolated to the extent to that she sometimes says she would be better away from the family. She can put a good face on things when she has too, but behind that there is an abyss of misery. The efforts I make to help are useless, sometimes even counter productive, and the doctor told me that I could 'only observe'. But I do feel optimistic. Felicity has so many strengths and so much potential and I am going to keep looking for a way to help her move on. Despite having days when she is down, at other times she pours her natural energy and enthusiasm into a number of challenging projects, including setting up UME, and these are a very positive aspect of her life.