A MENAGERIE MARRIAGE

by "The Looker-On" .

ERCHIE came home two hours late for his supper.

" Whit in a' the world's come ower ye? " said his wife, with a significant glance at the clock.

" I was at a mairrage, " replied her husband, taking off his coat. " Bostock's Jungle. A1! They played ' The Voice that Breathed O'er Eden ' on the drum and cornet, and the bride, hypnotisin' the lions wi' yin eye, and keepin' her ither on the bridegroom in case he would change his mind, swore to love, honour, and obey. It went aff wi' a bang. I've never seen a cheerier weddin'. "

" Tuts! " said Jinnet; " ye're haiverin'. Will ye ha'e an egg? "

" I'll ha'e twa eggs, and I'm no' haiverin'. I've been at a mairrage in the Jungle. The determined and happy couple went into the lions' cage. The bride wore a white silk dress and a bunch o' lily o' the valley, and the bridegroom, in a dark blue corded mornin' coat, took his poseetion next the gate. ' Whit new game is this? ' says the lions to themsel's, gantin', and the minister hurried through wi' the thing in case they would mak' a breenge. At a distant part of the arena the monkeys sat disconsolate on their hunkers, wonderin' whit way they were neglected. ' Where's them pea-nuts? ' they says to themsel's. ' Are we, or are we not, entitled to some public recognition? ' But the fickle public hadna a single pea-nut or a ginger-snap for the monkeys; that's the worst o' a mairrage matinee - it distracts attention from the regular hands. "

IN THE LIONS' DEN.

" I suppose ye're talkin' aboot that lassie that mairried the lion-tamer, " suggested Jinnet. " He must be awfu' busy when he had to tak' her into a cage to mairry her. Was the lions no' awfu' angry? "

" It wasna a lion-tamer at a', " said Erchie: " it was jist a common workin' chap. ' Noo's the chance for ye to mak' a reputation for yoursel', they tell't him; 'be mairried in a lions' cage, and ha'e your name in a' the papers. '

"' Could I no' be mairried among the love-birds, or sittin' on an elephant? ' he says. ' There's no' come and go aboot them lions; I'm always dubious aboot a lion. '

"' There's naething for't but the lions ' cage,' says Mr Bostock, firmly; ' whit we want to prove is the sagacity o' the animal. '

"' But the lions micht mak' a dash at us, ' said the chap.

"' Whit's the odds ' says Mr Bostock; ' ye're gettin' mairried onyway! Everything'll be tip-top - a rale minister wi' Geneva bands on, a brides-cake, a cab, and a poke o' confetti. Whit mair could ye ask for? ' "

" I'm gled, " said Jinnet; " there were nae operatics o' that kind at my weddin'. I would rather no' be mairried at a' than mairried in a cage, like a canary. Whit's the sense o't? "

AMERICAN FASHION.

" It's an American idea, " said Erchie. " A kirk's the last place on earth onybody would think o' mairryin' in in America; the ceremony must tak' place in a balloon, or doon a coal-pit, or in a warehoose window. The thing's so common there that they ha'e a special breed o' ministers that spend most o' their time in balloons, coal-pits, or warehoose windows. We have been a little late in takin' up the idea in Scotland, but if ye're spared ye'll see mairrages on the stage before the transformation scene in the pantomime; on the roller rinks; in billiard-rooms; and at half-time at the fitba-matches. The common mairrage in a kirk, or up a stair wi' a wheen o' laddies cryin' ' Hard up! ' at the fit o' the close 'll be oot o' date in nae time, ony pushin' young man that's thinkin' o' enterin' the sacred bonds o' matrimony 'll no' be pleased unless he can ha'e a brass band, and five or six thoosand folk lookin' on. "

" Did the lions growl? " asked Jinnet.

" They did not! " said Erchie, taking off his boots. " They didna want to ha'e onything to dae wi' the thing at a', and the trainer had to egg them on. I was vexed for them lions; they would be faur happier scourin'' the desert plains o' Africa than sittin' like a lot o' neds at a mairrage pairty wi' naething to eat. They never got the least chance, for three or four tamers with a pistol in every haund, stook between them and the blushin' pair, and - "

" Were they railly blushin'? " interrupted Jinnet.

" They were, " said Erchie. " At least the bride was; and the bridegroom, he had his back to the lions, and every noo and then he gied a glance over his shoother to see if onybody was gaun to heave a cocoanut. The minister kept near the gate, handy for backin' oot if there was ony need for't; and he had the pair mairried before the lions could mak' up their mind whether they would start wi' the bride or bridegroom."

"' Ha'e ye that ring aboot ye? ' says the minister to the bridegroom.

"' It's in my hip p-p-pocket, ' says the puir chap, trimlin' in his shoes.

"' Oot wi't slippy then, and put it on her finger, ' says the minister; ' the big yellow yin's lickin' his lips. '

"The bridegroom slipped on the ring, and then dashed for the door, and ye never say lions mair chawed. "

" Did he no' kiss his wife? " asked Jinnet.

" He hadna time. Forbye, he wouldna like to dae't wi' such a lot o' strangers lookin' on. "

THE MORAL.

" I canna understand whit in the world ye went to such a performance for, and you a beadle, ' said Jinnet. " I'm sure ye've seen plenty o' weddin's. "

" Hundreds, " agreed her husband. " But this was a bye-ordinar' weddin'. There was aye a chance that the lions micht be hungry, and I've never seen a lion swallow a bridegroom. Duffy was wi' me, and he was awfu' disappointed; ' I wouldna care though the lions let the newly-mairried couple aff, for it's bad enough to be mairried, ' he says, ' but the least the silly brutes could ha'e done was to chase the minister. Whit did we pay oor shullin' for? I doot, Macpherson, the management's gaun awa' and fed thae lions up afore the weddin' started. Either that or they should ha'e a fatter minister. '

" Was he a rale minister? " asked Jinnet, with surprise.

" Of course he was a rale minister; he made a speech to the audience frae the inside o' the cage, and tell't them that he wouldna ha'e been there that nicht at a' if it wasna that he was sure a mairriage in a lions' cage was a moral and spiritual exhibeetion. Some o' the people laughed at that, and later on he expressed his surprise that they dinna realise the solemnity o' the occasion. It was solemn enough for the puir lions - no' a bite o' onything a' the time. "

" Was he no' nervous? "

" He must ha'e been, for he forgot to mak' a collection; and he didna dwell on the moral lesson. "

" Whit was the moral lesson o' a mairriage in a menagerie? " asked Jinnet.

" I would ha'e to see the Rev. Mr Morris and ask him, " said her husband; " I couldna find oot mysel'. But I can tell ye I was vexed for them puir lions! "

Notes

This story in has been transcribed from a local newspaper, the Glasgow News of Monday, April 18, 1910. The original is anonymous, but it appears in : Erchie & Jimmy Swann as the work of the Neil Munro (1864 - 1930). Introduced and Annotated by Brian D. Osborne & Ronald Armstrong. Published by Birlinn Ltd, 1993 ISBN: 1874744X