Funnies

Any funny bits and pieces will be added here.

Caddies replies . . .

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." 
 
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." 
 
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Golf Sniper

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "So, what do you do for a living?

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.“ So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic! I can see right in the window. Wow. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Ha Ha! She's naked!! Wait a minute...that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand quid every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." Then hit the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his privates off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still, perfectly motionless for a few moments.

"Are you going to do it or not?!" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

Golfing Terms

Ball Striking

A Richard Hammond - straight down the middle like a rocket then veers off into the rough at the last minute

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water

A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional

A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Bobby Sands - a bit thin

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

A Blondie - a fair crack down the middle

Putting

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needed one more revolution

A Douglas Bader - nae legs

An Elton John - big bender that lips the rim

Bunker Play

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another

Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

The first entry on this page is a copy of the card that the Committee received from you all at the ABCV.
Quality!  It brought tears to our eyes!!

Click on the image to get a close up in case any of you don't actually remember signing it!!