A Thurday Squirm

by Craig Chapman - 13:42 on 22 May 2008

Wasn’t it great watching Jacqui Smith being told some home truths about how she can’t afford to keep her £3 million promise regarding police pay rises and yet her party can wave a wand and produce £3 billion of tax returns to try and save a Bi-election in Crewe. Well said Jan Berry, Head of the Police Federation. 

Watching last night’s football, I couldn’t help noting similarities between Gordon Brown and the Chelsea manager (for now, it seems) Avram Grant. Both have that sagged, hangman expression of impending woe, both have that jogging-bent-knees type of walk that could easily fall into the “mince” category and both seem to be catastrophically in charge of groups of widely unpopular people with their own agendas and enormous bank accounts. Also, both are getting used to coming second and don't like it one bit.  

(25th May Update - One Down, One To Go !!!)

Labour really sucked this week as they tried to portray the Crewe & Nantwich Tory candidate as a Toff, whilst they themselves have a multiply-named listed member of Burks Landed Gentry Guide, standing for them. How much lower can the party sink, if they cannot even get an insult right ? Everyone knows that the busiest place to campaign in Nantwich has to be Snugbury’s Ice Cream Farm. Personally I would be very happy to see a double pot of their best YumYum and Cookies & Cream with its own seat in Westminster. They would need to install a drool-drain. 

Once more, The Sun columnists should be awarded for saying it like it is. Kelvin Mackenzie suggests that, rather than have laws about insulting our troops during their lunchtime dashes to the cashpoint, perhaps it would be a good idea for our lads and lasses to simply “sort the problem” themselves. I fully realise that the Liberals would have to start wearing nappies, but the mouthy yob problem would end overnight. 

He also talks of starting his own Red Mist Party to campaign against irritating events. On that subject, my own way of dealing with Asian telephone cold calls is to answer the question of “Am I talking to Mr Chapman ?” with the line “No, Mr Chapman went out 10 minutes ago, I’m the burglar, ssshhhh !” 

What the hell was the LibDemmy bloke doing in Iraq ? They may as well pay for John Prescott to visit a health farm – absolutely no point and a waste of tax payers money - as we can be sure he claimed every single penny that he could. The Lib Dems want anti-drug laws to be scrapped and they’d sack our army tomorrow, given the chance (as if). Perhaps he was really out there to distribute business cards from ambulance-chasing lawyer firms, just in case our troops activities have stopped any opium farmers and Taliban bullies from getting a good night’s sleep.

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