Breaking News November 2015. Scandal Hits Knacker Tapping!!
It was reported today that extreme levels of bribery and corruption have been uncovered among the higher echelons of the noble sport (art?) of Knacker Tapping. The problem extends through senior executives, who manage the sport both nationally and internationally, and may even reach to the very top.
Following his re-election as President of The International Federation of Knacker Tapping Associations (PIFA) earlier this year Mr Knacker Tapper himself, the erstwhile Dave Parker, said he looked forward to taking the sport onward and upward, although above waist height would not be possible for obvious reasons. These latest revelations have dealt a severe body blow to his ambitions and his resignation may be forthcoming. This, however, would serve no real purpose as Mr Parker is the man who delivered Knacker Tapping to the modern world in its current form and is the face if not the bag of Knacker Tapping.
Trouble brewed last week following complaints from Little-Piddling-In-The-Marsh that the World Championships for 2018 had been awarded to Miniminsky, a small Russian town about 100 Km from Moscow, BEFORE any of the other candidates had even tendered for the event. It was suggested that bribes in the form of a case of 100 proof vodka, several chickens, free tickets to see CSKA Moscow play Manchester United in the Champions League and the dubious use of a 67-year-old ex-beauty queen and former soviet tank driver had been used to “seal the deal”. This was vehemently denied by Peregrine Sacswallop, an executive member of KNICKERS - the Knacker Tappers National and International Committee for Keeping Every Rule (of Knacker Tapping) Sacred – and Mr Ivan Nokabolakov, a representative of the Russian Federation of Knacker Tappers.
Mr Parker claimed to be totally unaware of any wrongdoing but has called for a high-level investigation. Arrests have been made and several papers were removed from Mr Parker’s van including his wife’s shopping list, a copy of yesterday’s Daily Star, an old menu from his local Chinese restaurant and a note he forgot to put out for the milkman. A spokesperson for West Yorkshire Police was reported to have said.
“Evening all, we are leaving no stone overturned during our investigations into the seriousness of this claim and if we cannot get to the truth will have no option but to bring out the thumbscrews……er…….that is not let any public personage thumb his nose at the due process of the law and think favours can be obtained by bribing any representative of HMG with offers of cash (used notes only please). Er….that’s it.”
The Mayor of Little-Piddling-In-The-Marsh has stated that there will be claims made to recover the costs incurred in making their bid to stage the World Championship.
“We put together a team of three to make this bid” he said “including myself, Horatio Entwhistle, a famous local Knacker Tapper and Bill Finch the local butcher. Mr Finch has no knowledge of Knacker Tapping but we needed his van to drive to Leeds to lodge our bid. As well as travel expenses, amounting to £45.37 – fuel for the van and a Mars Bar purchased at Woolly Edge Services for Mr Finch – there were also three lunches at a local Brewers Fayre and beer in a pub we stopped in on the way home. In light of the possible corruption these costs should not be met by the good people of Little-Piddling-In-The-Marsh.”
Mr Parker has been moved to a high security unit for his own safety. Police remain vigilant.
