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Knacker Tapping
Knacker Tapping intrigued me from the moment I first heard of it. The various articles below begin to build a picture of what has become an international pastime. I hope the reader finds this as fascinating a subject as I have. As time goes by and I learn more I will share it with you.
(With special thanks to Dave "Knacker Tapper" Parker, a plasterer from Leeds and leading exponent of the art of Knacker Tapping; the man who first introduced it to me. This is produced with his expressed permission and blessing)
Article 1: My Introduction to Knacker Tapping
I found our after match conversations in the pub on Sunday extremely interesting. Top of my list was Knacker Tapping and I have to say Dave Parker really aroused my interest with his discourse on the matter to such extent that I had to investigate further.
You may not realise this but Dave is an acknowledged expert so much so that he has written books on the subject, titles such “Knacker Tapping in the Middle Ages”, “Knacker Tapping Comes to Yorkshire” and his one novel on the subject “50 Shades of Knacker Tapping” which examines the darker and more pleasurable sides of Knacker Tapping, charting an innocents awakening to the pleasures of the activity from mild tapping, leading to slight reddening of the impacted areas right to the more extreme forms, which lead to complete knacker blacking! The literary world has been so excited by Dave’s publication that it is predicted it could win the 2013 Noball prize for literature and may even scoop the Bonker Prize.
Dave’s thorough research has shown that Knacker Tapping was introduced to Yorkshire by the Vikings as far back as 866 AD. The Vikings were well known for their cruelty and “skinning alive” was a standard practise but nothing struck fear into the locals as much as the threat of Knacker Tapping, usually carried out by a Viking Knacker Tapper using a short-bladed broad sword (all Viking long boats had a number of Beserkers and at least one Knacker Tapper amongst the crew).
The permanence of the Viking punishment was replaced by the use of a spoon, following the Norman invasion of 1066 AD. Initially wooden spoons were used but soon metal ones were forged and these led to silver or even gold spoons for the nobility. The development of stainless steel enabled all-weather Knacker Tapping, an absolute must in the climate that affects the British Isles.
Knacker Tapping soon crossed the border into Lancashire but exponents here developed the upward rather than traditional Yorkshire downward tap. This practise was soon outlawed as it left a nasty taste in the mouth!
Evidence of Knacker Tapping has even been discovered in South America where it was practised by both Mayan and Aztec priests. Initially it was used as a punishment for adultery but very soon more minor issues were punished by the “High Knacker Tapper” as he was known by the Aztecs (the misunderstanding of the Mayan Calendar indicating the end of the world on December 21st 2012 has been shown to be a predicted end to Knacker Tapping as a global sport!)
I can’t wait until our next match and drinks in the pub after as I want to learn so much more from Dave about Knacker Tapping!!
Article 2: Knacker Tapping Around the World
So disappointed that our last match was cancelled as I wanted to catch up with Dave P and talk more about Knacker Tapping. But since it was the threat of snow that forced the cancellation I thought I would explore cold-weather Knacker Tapping and my research has thrown up some interesting facts.
Knacker Tapping, in its earliest forms was used as a punishment by the Vikings, ceremonially by the Aztecs and Mayans but as a form of social engagement by peoples inhabiting colder climes. But be warned, however, as open-air Knacker Tapping is certainly ill-advised in either the artic or Antarctic regions.
It became socially acceptable amongst the Innuit tribes of northern Canada and Greenland to engage in Knacker Tapping. After meeting and greeting old friends by the rubbing of noses the Innuit would repair to their ice block houses, the igloo, disrobe and then rub Knackers. Not, I hasten to add, in any mutual way but in the time honoured fashion adopted by virtually every male since man first walked abroad – a casual but very visible adjustment of one’s own “Knacker Sac”. Obviously this could not be managed in the open air as satisfactory adjustment can never be achieved whilst wearing big furry gloves.
Once the appropriate adjustment had been achieved then the real Knacker Tapping ceremonies could begin. For this to take place large amounts of whale blubber and four fresh herring were required. The whale blubber is needed to act both as an insulator and lubricant while the herring are used as the prime Knacker Tappers. A gentle sweeping motion is used to convey feelings of friendship. These activities were almost exclusively carried out by the men of the tribe (women were known to get a little carried away during the ceremony and, if adultery was suspected, would replace enthusiasm with downright violence).
Fresh herring were used as these remained relatively soft and pliable. On one notable occasion the herring were caught but left outside the Igloo whilst the men repaired to a nearby pub, The Dog and Penguin, returning home about three hours later. The Knacker Tapping ceremony began but the tribal elders failed to notice that the herring were by now frozen solid (several pints of Old Whaler had seen to that) and the result was nearly a war between two local Innuit tribes. Needless to say one of the tribal elders spoke in an extremely high-pitched voice for about a fortnight. There was an upside, however, as the pitch of his voice was interpreted as a love call by a lonely male killer whale and so his tribe was well-fed through that particular winter.
I hope this added little missive has further stimulated your interest in Knacker Tapping. For those who would like to learn more, as well as Dave’s books can I recommend “Knacker Tapping in the Sahara” by Mustapha Nicepak, “How Knacker Tapping Helped Me Survive the War” by Corporal Punishment and “The Habit – A Journey to the Knacker Mines” (fiction) by J R R Tolkien, an almost lost tale from Middle-Earth!
Good Reading
Article 3: Science & The Art of Knacker Tapping
I don’t know if any of you were watching BBC2 on Monday night but there was a superb programme presented by Professor Brian Cox dealing with some fascinating aspects of Physics. It got me thinking if there was any connection between Physics and Knacker Tapping and so I got to “surfin’ the net” to research the matter. I found some interesting things.
Have you heard of the Quantum Theory of Knacker Tapping that led to Henning Berg’s Uncertainty Principle or even Poor Lee’s Exclusion Theory? No? Let me enlighten you.
Henning Berg’s Uncertainty Principle states that if you know where the Knacker-Tapper is you won’t know where or when he/she may strike. Conversely if you know where he/she will strike you won’t have a clue where he/she is! This explains why most participants in Knacker-Tapping are constantly looking over their shoulders, hands clasped around the region of the groin (a bookable offence by the way!) and wearing a pained, anticipatory expression.
Poor Lee’s Exclusion Principle was the result of research by Lee Piley, a lifelong but hapless practitioner of Knacker-Tapping. Lee was so bad that he could not even compete with the worst of female contestants and subsequently lost all his bouts. It must be stressed at this point that female participation only began in 2009 (due to lack of obvious equipment), which just goes to show how bad Lee was as a Knacker-Tapper, hence he earned the title Poor Lee. I must point out at this point that female participation was only made possible by the invention of the Female Knacker, or FNacker as it is more commonly known, a small rugby-ball shaped object that contains a small bell. The bell is needed to signal a true hit (in the male version a sharp cry from the participant, accompanied by a crossing of the knees and eyes shows a true hit has been registered).
Poor Lee’s Exclusion Principle states that no two Knacker-Tappers can occupy the same point in space-time, i.e. you can’t have two Knacker-Tappers in the same room! Now this only applies during active Knacker-Tapping. Two Knacker-Tappers CAN be in the same room as long as only one of them is actively tapping and the other occupies a passive role. This is obviously no issue when used as a penal form but could inhibit the social side of Knacker-Tapping and would certainly impact swapping parties.
The more I look the more I am fascinated by Knacker-Tapping. I hope to bring more for you about the subject after the next match.
Happy Tapping
Des
Article 4: Potential Health & Safety Implications for Knacker Tapping
Knacker Tapping has recently come under investigation by The Health & Safety Executive (HSE) and is under threat from, at best, strict government control, to at worst an outright ban. Knacker Tapping was banned in schools in 1999 and also expunged from history books. Although used initially as a medieval form of torture and punishment the socially acceptable face of consenting Knacker Tapping has been largely ignored by the HSE.
A spokesman for the UK Knacker Tappers Society, Dave “Knacker Tapper” Parker – also recognised globally as “Mr Knacker Tapper” – said that actions by the HSE could send Knacker Tapping underground. He welcomed some control but said that over reaction by the authorities could lead to underhand practises such as those uncovered in the West Midlands. A member of the Solihull and District Knacker Tappers Club has been found guilty by the UK society of substance abuse. Mr Parker commented that an unfair advantage was gained by the use of certain substances obtained from Lafarge and the accused member from Solihull had injected his left Knacker with a mixture of three of sand and one of cement. Mr Parker also stated that whilst this rendered the act of tapping completely painless on the left hand side the perpetrator could be spotted as he now walked with a pronounced limp, a side effect of the use of cement in the marital regions that was discovered when, in an isolated incident, a gentleman from Leicester tried to enhance his own matrimonial prospects but was too tight to buy Viagra.
A proposal is being put together to be presented to the HSE that will outline the use of padded spoons, cricket boxes and minor levels of local anaesthetic. If accepted it will mark the beginnings of a new code of practise that will see Knacker Tapping survive through the 21st century and beyond.
Keep Tapping!!
Desmondo
Article 5: A Testing Time for Knacker Tappers Everywhere
Not a sport to be overlooked, not a sport to be ashamed of being seen to be clean, dope testing has been introduced to Knacker Tapping. At a recent national bout in Cleethorpes five of the competitors were tested. The tests came back positive; all combatants were declared to be complete dopes. According to Dave "Knacker Tapper" Parker, the recognised High Priest of Knacker Tapping this is seen as a great day for the sport.
"A random test sample of our colleagues" said Dave "shows 100% are dopes. What a result" he continued "there is no room for sanity or sense in this great sport of ours. It's results like this that will truly plaster Knacker Tapping on the global face of sport. If only all sports were as clean."
(Story reproduced by kind permission of the Cleethorpes Weekly Bugle after a brown envelope containing complimentary tickets for the Barnsley Freestyle Lap-Dancing and Knacker Tapping Club were handed to the editor).
