THE PLAYERS

GOALKEEPER  

BEN BIRD

 It is reported that Park Villa's manager; Donovan Brown, took advantage of Coach Paul Bevin, during the transfer of Ben to Sacred Heart, when Paul was pissed.

The fee involved, is believed to have been in the six figure bracket.  Paul wanted more than this though, to take Ben off Donovan's hands. But hey! - What can you do, when all Donovan had, was the mortgaged house that he lived in?

Donovan, who is now homeless, but happy, says from his temporary home in the back yard kennels, of the Caretaker's house on Brookway's school grounds .......

"OK! My home was all i had, but just think of the happiness that i brought to the rest of the Park Villa team.  You just cant buy peace of mind like that!"

Paul, on the other hand, spent the transfer money, on a lock in with Towey and Tom Smith - at the Sacred Heart Parish Club.

Paul must now look at Ben on a Sunday, and think...... "God! Did i do that?"  

But these things happen when you're pissed, don't they Paul?

DEFENDERS 

 RYAN MORONEY

The very fact that this lad's surname contains the word 'Moron', bares no reflection on his 'on the field' shannanigans.  Truth of the matter is, that there is not an expletive in the English dictionary, for this lads actions on the pitch.

'Headless chicken' springs to mind, as Ryan can be found sprinting up and down, and from left to right, in no orderley, or explainable fashion - week after week.

Once Ryan has mastered this very basic art of defending though, i'm sure he will prove to be a very, very, competent young right back indeed.

In the meantime however, most opposing left wingers, can be seen on a Sunday morning, shaking Ryan's hand, after he has given them a four yard start, whilst on their way to hysterically smashing the ball past Ben Bird!

"Cheers matey! - I'd never have managed that, without the head start you just gave me. You're a good un!"

"Hey! No problem mate.  I do this for everyone." - replies Ryan.

RYAN!!!! For God's sake! - Stay behind your man when you're defending will ya!"

MATT DOWNS

After a serious knee injury recently, Matt was reported to have been spotted dancing on one leg, in a nightclub, smashed out of his head.  He was shouting 'Ahh Jim Lad' at the top of his voice, whilst trying unsuccessfully to snog a stuffed Parrott, perched on his shoulder.  The Parrott turned out to be his favourite bird Ellie.  Ellie wasn't at all concerned about his injury on the night, because as far as she was concerned, he still had a leg over!

Looks like his bird might have been stuffed after all then!

On a more serious note, Matt has to be one of the more competent players on the team.  Week after week, he seems to pop up with a stunning goal, from the left hand side of the pitch. These goals are generally thirty yard volleys, that screech into the net like an excocet missile.  You know the kind...... You know it's coming, but there's sod all you can do about it!

I for one, will be pleased to see him back. 

Get well soon big fella!

DAN FRAZER

This guy typifies the attitude that every player should take on to the pitch with him. He's hungry for the ball, and runs after everything that's loose (Interesting).  He may not be the greatest footballer on the pitch, but he's eager to learn and always prepared to do a job for the team.

Dan fills that gap whenever one comes along, and i think every team should have a Dan Frazer to turn to.

He should improve greatly from being around the wealth of talent and experience that the new Sared Heart seem to have in their ranks.

It's my opinion, that Dan is only a full season away from being a very accomplished player.  I just hope he sticks at it, because like i said before - I think every team should have a Dan Frazer.

TERRY MARKHAM 

What can you say about this guy? Apart from him being the first person on the team sheet every week -he's...........

Mr Reliable.  Mr Cool.  Mr Nice Guy.  Mr Brilliant.  Mr Calm.       Mr Relaxed.  Mr Dominant.  Mr Bloody Everything!

Get the picture?  This lad's got it all!

Just wish he'd come in the clubhouse after the match with his family.

We'd love to see him there for half an hour every week -wouldn't we lads?

YEAHHHHHH!!!!!

KIERAN MOONEY 

Ex Farmers Arms centre half and someone who did appear for Sacred Heart in a pre season friendly. Kieran signed for sod-all in mid November 06.

Have to confess, to not knowing a great deal about this lad, but he comes well reccomended.  So, if he turns out to be crap, then blame Tom Smith.

Watch this space for further reports on 'the new lad'.

STOP PRESS - Kieran played his first fifteen minutes as a Hearts player against Benchill Rovers and actually scored a header, from a Michael Towey corner kick, to score on his debut.

"Management should reserve judgement on this lad, on the suspicion that it may have been a lucky goal!" - Says Terry Clayton & Jason Birkett.

UPDATE ON KIERAN - Have to say congratulations to this young lad. He waited for his chance to get into the Hearts first eleven and impressed so much, that he's now one of the first on the team sheet each week.

Could be that Kieran is a much better prospect at the centre of midfield, rather than at the centre of defence.  Seems he may just be able to provide that little bit more bite there, whenever the need arises!

Well done and welcome to Hearts Kieran!

MIDFIELDERS

ARRON BEVIN

Already a huge contender for player of the year. Picked up a number of Man Of The Match awards in the early part of the season.  Has really benefited from the freedom, that his new central midfield partner has given him this season.

Don't want to make this lad's head swell (Take that how you like!) but if Sacred Heart finish this season, without him getting snapped up by a semi-pro or a pro outfit, then we'll be a very lucky team indeed.

Keeping hold of talented young prospects like Arron Bevin, is probably one of the hardest jobs that we have in Amateur football, but to be honest, i don't think there's a player on the team, who would begrudge Arron the opportunity to progress in the game.

Doesn't mean that we have to alert the bigger clubs though -

Does it????

TOM SMITH

Arron's new partner in midfield, and clearly an obvious reason for the team's rapid progress so far this season. Tom has brought a great deal to most of his team mates' games this season. His confidence on the ball and trickery thereafter, has proved a great confidence boost throughout the team.

Very pleased with the way his tackling has developed in just a short space of time.  Strange thing to say about Tom and his game, but i still think that there is another 40 or 50% to come from this young man.

Overall, Tom is a great inspiration to everybody around him.  If there was a player that i would least like to lose for a difficult game, it would be Tom Smith.

Lastly, i beleive the central midfield partnership, between Tom and Arron Bevin, is quickly developing into the best in the whole of the Wythenshawe league.  It's performances and reputations like this, that will soon attract attention from the bigger clubs.

Tom is another gifted player, who we will be lucky to keep hold of this season.

Think the world of you Tom!

AARON FRAZER 

Difficult really, not to like this lad. Has been pretty unfortunate so far this season, due to injury problems, and has been struggling to get back into the team, because of his lack of match practice and fitness.

He's a multi-positional player, who has been trying hard to impress on his comeback attempts.  I'm sure though, that once fully fit again, Aaron will stand a much better chance of laying claims to a place on the team.

From what i have seen of him though, he looks strong, competitive and has a good engine on him.  All really good midfield qualities!

It's just a question of working your way back up there Aaron! 

CLARKE DANIELS 

Another from the old pals school of football. 'Clarkey' is, in my books, one of those terryfying players, that runs straight at defenders and scares the shit out of them. He's a bit like Shaun Wright-Phillips really - but without the talent.

Normally, quite a quiet person, both on and off the pitch.  Difficult to get his back up really, and he accepts decisions that go against him far too lightly! 

It's obviously not in his nature to argue the toss over 'just about anything', but i would like to see him contesting the odd decision with the referee now and then.

You need to stand up for your rights more often you see Clarkey! Be a bit more vocal maybe?  

If only we could bring Clarkey out of his shell!!!!

Footnote :

On a recent, advanced referees, exam day, a wdsfl ref was asked  to spell the word 'Dissent'. He replied 'C-L-A-R-K-E  D-A-N-I-E-L-S' 

ANTONY WARING

 In Antony's last 50 games for us, he has only put in three poor performances - such is this lad's consistency in football. Unfortunately, those three games, came back to back in the early part of this season. Losing his place on the team for that, has probably served, to give him a good kick up the arse. Antony's last game however, was more like what we have come to expect from him though. It was on a par with the man of the match that day, and he must surely be encouraged by that for the rest of the season.

We're all hoping that Antony is back in the team for good, because, he is, without doubt, one of the better players in the Sacred Heart squad. It would be such a shame to lose somebody of his ability to wine, women and snogs. But there you go. These are the temptations that all young footballers are blighted with. 

Please God - Don't let this one take the Jojo route!!!!

IAN PRESTWICH

Not made an appearance for the team this season, because he's too busy piling on the pounds, after marrying his long time sweetheart recently.  Ian probably reckons he can afford to put on some weight, because he's now got his woman bang to rights.

Unfortunately, and as we all know, it doesn't exactly work that way does it lads?  So, before you try and push Roy Vernon for the fattest bastard on the team title - try losing a few pounds and come and fight for your place back on the team again! 

It's a knocking bet you'll be more attractive too mate!

Well.....Can't get any worse can ya????

FORWARDS    

BILLY BEST 

You know.....Some of us have it, and some of us don't. Well, this lad's already had over twenty years of playing amateur football, as well as  scoring hundreds of goals, at the very top level.

Billy was asked to come into the team and shepherd the younger members of the team along their way.

He did just that, and now takes a back seat, in order to allow his fellow team mates, to 'blossom' in the centre forward position at Hearts.

Billy still makes himself available whenever required! - Such is the first class attitude of this all round team player.

However, his decision to 'take a back seat', comes at a time when, maybe it's 'others' who are 'taking a back seat', in his brand new, vivid red, penis shaped, Mazda Sports car.

Have you noticed recently, just how many young girls go past you in the streets, singing "Zoom, Zoom, Zoom" with a big cheesy smile on their faces these days?

Makes you think doesn't it???

BILLY - BEST OF THE BEST IN MY BOOK!

CRAIG STONE

This young lad was instantly snapped up when Coach Roy Vernon found out, that Craig was sleeping with the much-loved daughter, of the latest referee to sign up for the Wythenshawe and District Sunday Football League.

Two of our games, have been refereed by Craig's prospective father in law so far. And six points have been reaped from those two games.  With a further four games, guaranteed to be refereed by the same man, surely, this must have been the signing of the season for Sacred Heart?

But can Craig Stone play football? -  we hear the crowds cry out in their thousands?

Who gives a shit if he can play football? Craig has been supplied with all the sex aids he needs, to keep that lovely little girl happy!

Club expenditure sanctioned by both Paul and Roy for these Ann Summers products!    

STOP PRESS - As well as scoring twice, young Craig Stone put in a man of the match performance against Benchill Rovers recently. Now every member of the team wants to be supplied with free bleeding sex aids!!

Secretary

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