Saturday 15th December - Clapham High Street

The long-awaited OH Christmas band-wagon rolled into Clapham on Saturday night, with several interesting questions remaining unanswered: 

• Was Nichols really ill or did the diary date clash with his missus's birthday?
• Did Glenn's missus keep him home to help her with her homework? 
• How long will Kev's moustache grow before the authorities impose a banning order of 2 miles to every playground?

Whatever the answer to these conundrums, the OH boys arrived, drank and left in style...

First stop the Alex, where small African countries formed under Evans’ armpits as he fought man-flu; nearly leading to the cancellation of the curry as Smudger, Matthew Perry, Lee from Blue and tennis ace Roddick all lost their appetites.  Rumour had it (police sirens confirmed it was true) Chris 'Iron Bar' Chan had arrived in Clapham. Having butchered two people who dared to mis-direct him, Chan flew in and murdered his first pint - a sign of things to come.

The firm then found itself in the Golden Curry to meet with the remaining OH's., High-level strategic tactical discussions followed; the conclusion being that Russ will be playing right wing-back in all future matches. Some doubted his fitness to do so as he was already lagging after his second pint! 

The Falcon followed with more debate and deliberation centering around Kev's ability to have come to the evening dressed as a spy, and his repeating of the statement "All because the lady loves....".

Environmental police nearly halted the celebrations of mid-tableness in the Oak, and the firm was moved on from the Railway after failing to gain service - a problem Will Reidy finds he has with his centre-midfielders on a regular Saturday afternoon!!!

The aptedly named Bierodrome was the penultimate venue of the evening before the OH boys rolled onto Infernos.  Along the way tigers/Big-Issue sellers picked off the slower wilderbeast and Evans and Rasheed are currently unaccounted for.  Smudge went AWOL for a few minutes; rumour having it that he went in search of the Big Issue seller (a 4"11" woman) who battered and mugged him with ease three weeks previously - two rumbles and two victories now for the little lady!

Inferno's commenced as did the final beers of the night and some notorious cutting of the dancefloor rugs by the OH boys.  Chan, having eaten two of the bouncers and in the process of eyeing up another, put in some killer moves on the dancefloor, whilst Eoin was busy signing autographs, promising the girls he could get hold of his mum's signature too (Pauliiiiine!). Meanwhile Ras seemed more concerned with the Thai police coming to arrest him for his corruptive actions before his purchase of Man City!  Reidy Snr and Kev focused on the bar and any ladies leaning on it, offering out trays of chocolates. But the man stealing the show again for a second year running was the Hit Man Hart - never flinching once at the size of the drinks bills coming his way.  Inferno's prices can make or break men but, as presumed, the bigger the bill the more Hart rose to the occasion. 

It can be assumed that most of the boys don't remember how the night finished or where they ended up and this is a sign of progress.  Reidy Snr and Smudger spread wild rumours that they had stopped the biggest fight Clapham would have seen between the bouncers and a 7"5" monster in a bobble hat, before breaking their way into Reidy Jnr's 'fortress' of a house.  However, once again, good stamina shown by all in a successfully boozy night. 

Whilst I write, Sky News just reported that Evans was actually last spotted in the downstairs area of Infernos, claiming to punters that this was the “private members” area, and that he’d had to leave the rif-raf upstairs...can anyone confirm?