OH's most notorious player of all time is on first name terms with all opponents and refs! Issued immortal teamtalk: "a cup final is the only day when the bird you are shagging, or the bird you want to shag, will believe you're a half decent footballer".

One of Evans motley crew from back in the day, a wily pro with a quality touch. Delighted OH fans by shunning the Rugby World Cup Final to play away v Foresters, respect! Jones, Smudge and Tarquin take note!

Quality signing and authentic OH, living up to pre-season billing as a powerful centre back with a sweet left peg. I'm yet to dig up any dirt on Brodders so am looking forward to the Xmas do!

Unleashed from the OH Onion Bag in 2007, i can't believe how quality the Shumonger is outfield! Terry-mendez on the ball and an overlapping sensation. Quality dancer too.

Hatch End's resident Ladies man made a stunning return to OH last season after a year on the road; no pace and scored 2 OG's. Embarrased himself at Eton last week when ref had to intervene after Reidy's spindly pass out of play didn't reach the touchline.

One of the 4 regular left back starters for OH, Glenn is OH troublemaker Chris Chan's favourite player, following a spate of 'reducers' in 2006! Wicked to have him back, a committed stopper with a sweet left foot.

Pacy, committed and possessing a booming left peg, once courted controversy by subbing himself off to attend ballet. I tried to come up with a better lookalike but it was impossible - toying with idea of fancy dress Xmas do, so Dave can come as Lord Percy

We need to get the big man from Nottingham more involved; OH fans are demanding we get him a Megabus pass! Wicked player and top man, dead ringer for Danny Shittu of Watford.. Hit own post with comedy 20 yard header, got cramp after 46 mins, a-MAZE-ing!

Insists on being called 'Keen Machine' - earned that right through 5 years of whipping in glorious crosses and set-pieces. A beeeast in the air, and a wheeler dealer extraordinaire in the transfer market (Overton, Savill, respect!)

Quality touch and a smooth operator down the right flank. Also super-smooth with the ladies; pulled an unbelievably fit bird at Will's halloween party despite donning a red leather mask. Nice!

An OH favourite, Smudger courted controversy by snubbing OH and slipping off to paris with Russ Jones and Tarquin for the rugger! The White Makalele won the OH Xmas-do 'first to pull' award 2006, and is 4-1 joint favourite with Chris Reidy this year.

Reborn as a centre midfielder, contender for player of the year already! Speech prior to 5-0 demolition of Charterhouse when we only had 10 men still brings tears to my eyes!

Adept at confusing right-backs with deceptively quick India-rubber-like legs, offensively he bears more than a little resemblance to the ever-mercurial Robert Pires. Strange and uber-metrosexual facial-hair augmentations add to this assessment.

OH favourite who's fitness levels boomed following Police Academy. Incredibly smooth - snared current girlfriend by whipping out his police badge and arresting her on suspicion of being fit - watch and learn!

Scored OH's goal of the season last year, also rolled a corner kick into the side-netting and collapsed in tears, earning him the Turfslapper tag. In serious danger of failing to top former Finemaster Matt King's £1 haul from the 06/07 season.

What a debut! Introduced as a maurading semi-pro (1987) striker, Vids lived up to the tag with a stunning cup hatrick in the famous 6-5 elephant's foreskin (big pullback) at London Welsh!

Spent the summer locked away after Tommy Nichols late haul stole the OH Top Scorer gong. Quality striker who holds the ball up well, also voted OH's Best Looking Man. Speculation is still rife as to what went on with Smudge at the last OH social!

The Wanchope of the Arthurian League, Potter can score from literally anywhere on the pitch, unless he's 3 yards out with an open goal. Top man and doing a fine job with fixtures - buy him a pint of Satan's Pony Ale by way of a thank you.

Eccentric stopper who once shut out John Aldridge, OH fans feared Leigh had quit to join Cardiff's Soul Crew. He's back though and on fire between the sticks! Hilarious when he knocked out Matty Jackson clearing the ball on Saturday!

What a signing!!! One minute keeping net for the Cambridge Blues, the next poached by The Keen Machine to man the onion bag in a famous 2-0 cup win at Brentwoods. The man even has his own goalie gloves, highly professional!

Wasn't sure whether to include a profile for OH's most feared firm member; but as OH support hooligansim we thought it fitting. Only man to be sent off this season, absolute lunatic who was turned away from Eton away after showing up with an iron bar!