Saturday 24th March
Old Charterhouse 0-5 Old Habs
(R Jones 3, Richardson, Nichols)

Saturday morning and trade at the OH Megastore was brisk, “White Makalele” T-shirts selling well, “Paterson 3” and “Jones” replica kits flying off the shelves. Buoyed by his newfound popularity, Russ Jones was up at the crack of dawn, wolfing down his cornflakes and tapping away to some difficult jazz. Had the fans finally forgiven him for his 2005/06 walkout?! Meeting the squad at Paddington, the smile was soon wiped off his face, apparently there was a new Jones in town, and the rumours did nothing to cheer up the crestfallen winger – “Jonesy’s played non-league you know”, “he’s taller than Stevo”, “he’s fucking amazing!”. The original cut a downbeat figure on the long trip to Farncombe, his mood worsening as Smudge mulled over last week’s Megastore figures – apparently the only R Jones sales that week had been from the “Turfslapper 11” and “I was there when Russ Jones scored” range.

After a stroll round the glorious Charterhouse grounds, OH gathered in the pavilion to work out how best to get the season back on track. Pundits were predicting a tough day for Croxdale’s finest after a spineless display at Foresters, and things looked bleak when the new Jonesy again went AWOL, his missed call count hitting the 50 mark. OH were down to ten men already, and Charterhouse smelt blood, “they’re laughing at us” raged the Keen Machine.

Going for the all-important first goal, OH decided to go with the wind and slope first half, and adopted an outrageous 70’s style formation, 3-4-2, with Bill Paterson playing sweeper behind Reidy and L’il Chris. Charterhouse were a big team, and so the plan was to play them off the park. The plan worked, with Jones, Raz and Rico combining early on for Keeno to drill over, and Nichols going close. The opener soon followed, Nichols crossing for Jones to bundle in – did anyone else think he almost missed that by the way, I’m sure he slipped and fell onto the ball myself! 10 minutes later and it was 2-0, another fine move rounded off by Tom Nichols. OH were bossing things, everybody showing for the ball, nobody missing challenges, and everyone chipping in to defend set pieces.

Half time was met with an ominous warning by their No.9, “That there hill is worth 3 goals I tell you, 3 goals”. He was to be proved correct; as against the elements OH bagged three more. Crisp passing led to Jones tripling, and then quadrupling his season’s goal tally, the hatrick clincher smashed emphatically into the roof of the net. Charterhouse restarted and were on the attack when the ref realised Jones’s was still in the opposition penalty area. As OH players jogged back Jones had embarked on a one-man celebration, ripping his spare shirt off before performing a strange tribal dance around it, later naming the routine “the handbag”.

4-0 didn’t flatter OH, Keen and Raz tracking back superbly, the back three mopping everything up, and Shuey rushing out like a lunatic when called upon. Special mention to Biela, who threw himself at everything, even putting his Davina McCalls on the line to block one Charterhouse belter. The centre mids bossed things, and Rico thoroughly deserved his 20-yard drive from Keeno’s cut back. So 5-0 and a great team spirit - a thoroughly professional away drubbing. The promotion charge is back on, and with a host of big names challenging for places you can’t write off the mighty OH just yet.

Man of the Match:
Have to give it to the Turfslapper, although Nichols, Raz and Rico all had blinders.

Comedy Moment of the Match:
The Keen Machine almost reducing the White Makalele to tears:
Keeno: “Smudge! Smudge! Are you ok, are you injured or something?”
Smudge: “Err, no I’m ok”
Keeno: “Well do the work and fucking track back then you lazy ceeeyyyyyuuuunnnntt”

Ratings:
Shuey – RUMS RAGS would have been proud (8)
Paterson – Made sweepers cool again (8)
C Reidy – Commanding. Domineering. Lothario (8)
Biela – Terrific, selfless. Put his balls on the line (9)
Keeno – Pass & Move, tracked back, got stuck in (9)
Rico – A true champ, deserves his ice (9)
Smudge – Croxdale’s barmaid would’ve loved it (8)
Raz – Boundless energy, always wanted the ball. (9)
Nichols – I fucking love this guy! Wanchope (9)
R Jones – Must've put coke on his cornflakes (9)

Ref - Top Man (9), OH Ref Baiting & Whinging like girls (2), OH Fans - Non existent (0)