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Self Worth
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: "What kind of man are you looking for?"
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."
She began to expound:
"As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself?
I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man.... or woman for that matter.
I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."
"I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life."
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She said:
"I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business.
I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."
When she finished her spill, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You are asking a lot."
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
Being With Your Mother
After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie.
She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would Love to spend some time with you."
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
"What's wrong, are you well?" she asked.
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us."
She thought about it for a moment and then said, "I would like that very much."
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up, I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.
"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting."
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.
After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half-way through the entrees, I lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.
"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said.
"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.
During the dinner , we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.
As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you."
I agreed.
"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.
"Very nice, much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.
A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.
Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An attached note said:
"I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but, nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."
At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: 'I love YOU' and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till some "other" time.
The Elephant And The Fly
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A disciple and his teacher were walking through the forest. The disciple was disturbed by the fact that his mind was in constant unrest.
He asked his teacher, "Why most people's minds are restless, and only a few possess a calm mind? What can one do to still the mind?"
The teacher looked at the disciple, smiled and said, "I will tell you a story. An elephant was standing and picking leaves from a tree. A small fly came, flying and buzzing near his ear. The elephant waved it away with his long ears. Then the fly came again, and the elephant waved it away once more."
This was repeated several times. Then the elephant asked the fly, "Why are you so restless and noisy? Why can't you stay for a while in one place?"
The fly answered: "I am attracted to whatever I see, hear or smell. My five senses pull me constantly in all directions and I cannot resist them. What is your secret? How can you stay so calm and still?"
The elephant stopped eating and said, "My five senses do not rule my attention. Whatever I do, I get immersed in it. Now that I am eating, I am completely immersed in eating. In this way I can enjoy my food and chew it better. I rule and control my attention, and not the other way around."
Upon hearing these words, the disciple's eyes opened wide and a smile appeared on his face. He looked at his teacher and said, "I understand! If my five senses are in control of my mind and attention, then my mind is in constant unrest. If I am in charge of my five senses and attention, then my mind becomes calm."
"Yes, that's right", answered the teacher, "The mind is restless and goes wherever the attention is. Control your attention, and you control your mind."
The Need To Feel Special
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah.
With two older brothers, Jennifer had a "special" place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a "special" relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn't have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.
It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother's attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved.
Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical and withholding love when her mother didn't do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer's neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on approval and attention from others.
Jennifer, now in her late 30's, finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother - attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.
We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that is dysfunctional; it is how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy.
It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out, and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special, our behavior is dysfunctional.
Healthy Special-ness: You will stop pulling on others to make you special only when you accept the full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others - treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others.
There are many ways of making ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can:
Take emotional responsibility:
- Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be doing that is causing painful feelings, rather than making others responsible for your feelings.
- Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.
- Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself - tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value your talents and gifts.
- Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance - your kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.
- Behave in ways that you value - being loving, kind, integreous, compassionate, understanding, caring.
- Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.
Take physical responsibility
- Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.
- Get enough rest and exercise.
- Create balance between work and play and creative time.
- Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.
Take financial responsibility
- Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another, if physically able to do so.
- Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.
Take relationship responsibility
- Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying, defending or resisting in the face of others' demands or criticism. Don't be a victim.
- Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Don't be a victim.
Take organizational responsibility
- Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.
- Make sure your living space and work environment are clean and tidy, and esthetically pleasing.
Take spiritual responsibility
- Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.
- Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self - your Inner Child.
Reflections
I was helping in my son's classroom a while ago when I spotted a poster that reads, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can break my heart" and I started thinking…
Teachers are such an important part of a child's life. A teacher's support determines how safe a child feels in school. A teacher's reinforcement determines how much risk a child will take in the classroom. A teacher's empathy and understanding determines how important a child feels in school. A teacher's love of his or her job and students determines a child's motivation and attitude toward education.
And the effect that a teacher has on a child does not end when the school bell rings at the end of the day. Rather, those feelings that were developed in the classroom go home with the child and, to a large extent, determine what sort of evening the child and his or her family have. The importance of a teacher to a child is phenomenal and cannot be overemphasized.
All my children are fortunate to have remarkable and wonderful teachers. Consequently, the three of them love going to school almost as much as they love using teacherisms.
For example, one of Hannah's favorite phrases is used when I mess up; she looks at me with understanding and says, "It's okay to make mistakes, mama, because you're only learning."
Rachael's favorite phrase is used to preface most of her chores; with a glint in her eye, she says, "I'm just going to do my best, mama, because that's all I can do!"
But perhaps my favorite is Jacob's response to his sisters when one of them says something he doesn't like. With his hand on his heart he says, "Don't say that because words can break my heart."
Like most parents, I hear teacherisms daily. And every time I hear one, my heart floods with gratitude for the wonderful teachers who make my children feel safe, important, and successful in the classroom, and who are helping my children achieve emotional good health.
There is much talk today about how to measure a teacher's worth. I think we need only look at the students. Children mirror teachers' words and actions, and the content of those reflections show a teacher's greatness.
Just a thought.
An Interesting Funeral
One day all the employees of a very unusual company reached their office and all saw a big sign on the main door which said this:
"Yesterday, the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym."
In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that person who hindered the growth of their colleagues and the company itself?
The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up.
Everyone thought - "Who is this person who was hindering my progress?"
One by one the intrigued employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it, they suddenly became speechless.
They all got to stand near the coffin, and all ended up shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see themselves!
There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:
There is only one person who is capable of setting limits to your growth and IT IS YOU!
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your husband or wife changes, when your company changes, when your church changes, when your location changes, when your money changes, when your status changes.
No, your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs.
Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses. Be a winner, build yourself and your reality. It's the way you face life itself that makes the difference.
A Fallen Man
It all started on a Friday morning at the office. Our team was under pressure dealing with unexpected changes in our new business plan together with a setback on an important real estate deal. So to try and regain some clear thought and balance, I decided to spend my lunch hour at the gym. Blessedly, during the work out, my mind did quiet down as I just allowed myself to focus on my exercise routine, and so, gained some measure of peace.
Soon afterwards though, the reality of our challenging working world returned to my awareness. My earlier, anxiety filled thoughts returned and again my mind was flooded with the litany of events!
Seeking some additional comfort before heading back to the office, I said a silent prayer while still seated on the locker room bench, asking for a little help. Immediately, I felt answered with a kind "yes, I am always with you". I smiled; feeling refreshed, and gave thanks.
Then, as I rose to leave, I heard a low gasping voice calling out "help me... help me."
At first, I saw no one. But then... I noticed, at the far end of the room, a man had collapsed on the floor... he was partially obscured behind an upended bench. I quickly went over to him to offer assistance. Upon arrival, he asked if I could please help him to get back on his feet, as he was unable. I took hold of his hand and brought him back up, and along with the help of another gym member, we righted his bench and sat him down on it. He said that he would be alright and thanked us both.
Later that afternoon, as my mind began to further clear, a buried vision was brought sharply back into focus! That man I had helped had called out earlier! Yes, once the fog had lifted on that veiled memory I could now recall: When I had first entered the locker room there had been his voice calling out... BUT, I did not "see him"... was too caught up in my own personal drama from work. It was not until I had cleared my mind and returned to the present moment that I finally heard his cry for help!
I believe there were three "gifts of awareness" given on that day:
- When asking for help it is always given
- To fully receive help, we may first need to help another
- Thoughts focused on our own concerns can sometimes blind us to the needs of others
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