Essay No. 2
A "Spoilt Child"
THE NATION'S WASTED WEALTH
by
Mrs. Arthur Philip
"The strictest parent is the kindest parent."
A "SPOILT child." The phrase is so familiar that it neither startles nor shocks us. Indeed, were we asked if we had ever seen so pitiful a sight, there is not one of us who would not be able glibly to run through a list of children to each one of whom we unhesitatingly apply the term ; and, further, to adorn our tale with stories of their disobedience, their greed, and their irreverence—children, probably, of brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends.
To what, then, does this callousness and familiarity point ? Why are we so indifferent to the tragedy lying behind the phrase we use so lightly ? In a beautiful passage in Trench's book on " Words," he tells us how many beautiful and helpful thoughts would come to us oftener if we sometimes stopped to think of the significant and pregnant words which constantly pass our lips, leaving with us and our hearers no distinct and definite idea of their meaning, nothing but a cheap hearsay impression. For instance, he points out how, in using the word
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" tribulation," the man who coined it had in his poet's mind the picture of the threshing-floor, the beating out of the flour from the chaff ; the winnowing, the sifting ; all the processes by which the valuable and essential part of the grain was separated from the worthless parts ; and used it as an image of the process by which sorrow and trouble separate the best and finest part of a human soul from the meaner, worthless parts ; and bids us look how the word—a poem and a lesson—has, through becoming part of the current coin of our daily talk, lost for most of us its significance. He commends to all of us the habit of taking this common coin of our daily speech, soiled and obscured by careless use; looking at it closely and critically, and trying to evolve for ourselves the original forcible meaning of our words. Many a lesson we may learn if we follow this advice ; and perhaps never more surely than from the two words which make up our title : a " spoilt child."
For what do they mean ? A child ? The young of that climax of God's great creative design, Manmade in His own image. When artist, poet, or sculptor has tried to express the highest and best within him, through all the ages, he has painted or sung a child.
And the word so indissolubly linked with child ? —" spoilt." What is it to be spoilt ? The word is common enough, clear and plain in its meaning.
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It tells of something made and fitted for a good purpose which has been so ill-used, so badly handled, that it cannot be used for that purpose, but, marred, worthless, and useless, is only fit to be " cast as rubbish to the void." What an irony I God's best work, with its infinite possibilities for use and good, and His glory, so marred and ill-treated that, its beauty, sweetness, and promise gone,
it is spoilt—a "spoilt child " And by whom is
this spoiling done, this ruin wrought, this waste of the most precious material made ? If we heard the expression for the first time, and all its sinister meaning, all the woeful waste it tells of, came vividly before us, we should exclaim, " Surely an enemy hath done this thing ! "
But, alas ! it is no open enemy ; it is the lazy, weakly fond mother; the father who, not realising his high office, has let idleness or self-pleasing vanity betray him into misuse of the precious material put into his hands to preserve, to cherish, to mould into the " perfect man."
Our generation of parents probably is guilty of this sin of spoiling more than any other. Partly in a reaction against what we have taught ourselves to think was the over-strictness and severity of a past age, forgetting what a fine and stalwart race of Englishmen it bred ; partly in a merely selfish desire to see our children " having a good time " ; we omit from our scheme of education, and from our
daily practice, that discipline of ourselves and ou children which would mould their character by fight ing our own and their inclinations when those in clinations were not in the right direction.
In a recent article in the Nineteenth Century thltherl of Meath deplores what he describes as the lack of grit in the present and rising generation defining " grit " as that " virile spirit which make light of pain and physical discomfort, and rejoice in the consciousness of victory over adverse circum stances, and which regards the performance of duty however difficult and distasteful; as one of the supreme virtues of all true men and women," an( gives many all too true instances of the way dutdutyd difficulty are shirked, and " I ought to do it " made to wait upon " I don't wish to do it." ThyTheminishing birth-rate shows that women are show ing the " white feather," that they prefer amusements sports, and idleness to the sweet toils and endles duties of motherhood. Men show the spirit which to our sorrow and surprise, made Englishmen sur render so often in the Boer War and soldiers thrthrowwn their arms, forgetting that Englishmen havhavede England what she is " by carrying out to th end what they set themselves to do," ignoring dange and difficulty.
" Pleasure is the god," he says, " selself-indulgencee object aimed at ; hence the increase of suicide: since men and even children will not tolerate hard
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ships." And he deplores the defective system of home and school education which breeds incapables and unemployables, and advocates a stricter home training.
Undoubtedly he touches the spot and traces the evil to its source. The parents who neither correct nor rule their children, nor allow others to rule them, breed the lawless, undisciplined young men and women who add to the dangers and miseries of life for themselves and others. A few years ago Birmingham was shocked and revolted by a brutal and murderous attack from behind with a hatchet on a young policeman. The wretched lad who committed the assault had, a few years before, been the centre figure of a crowd of viragoes who, led by his mother, attacked a school teacher who had corrected his insubordination and disobedience with a few strokes of the cane.
But it is useless to deplore an evil without suggesting remedies, and surely the remedy lies in what the Mothers' Union has for twenty years been setting before the nation as an ideal—the " awakening in parents a sense of their responsibility in training the boys and girls who are the future fathers and mothers of the Empire."
That is what we need at the root—a sense of responsibility in parents ; that they should realise that their children are not dolls and playthings, to be petted or scolded according to the whim of the
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moment, and handed over to others to be taught and trained at as little cost as possible; but a " heritage
and gift that cometh from the Lord," something for our handling and care of which we shall one day have to meet our Lord and give account.
If we think of our children as precious souls
horn God has given us to train for His service, we shall not trifle away our chance and " spoil " His little ones, but steadfastly try to train them in that prompt obedience, that self-control and self-surrender in the service of others which fills us with admiration when we see it displayed as it was on the sinking Birkenhead, or by the soldiers of Japan in the late war, and which raises the man who attains to it to the heights where God meant him to be.
I do not want here to go into the question of punishments, which undoubtedly must vary and be fitted to ages and disposition ; what I want to put clearly forward as a duty is the shaping in earliest days of character, which shall make the need of punishment rare, and the forming of habits of prompt obedience and control. Let me illustrate what I mean by the remark of a boy about one of our great public schools, then famous for its discipline and the fine characters of the boys it turned out.
On the eve of his going to school I heard a man, who had known him as the cherished youngest of a happy home, foolishly say to him, " Going to C-? You won't be happy there ; they're so strict."
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I met the boy again at the end of his first term, and reminded him of his foolish friend's remark, asking if it were true. The answer came at once :
" Oh, no They're all right." Then, after a moment's thought, " But I don't know ; perhaps it is; but then it's all right. They're so strict that no one ever tries it on, so it does not matter."
What a splendid definition of a firm and strict rule, making for happiness and peace because of its very firmness and severity ! How much happier our homes would be, how much happier the future lives of our children, if our rule was so certain and so firm that "no one ever tried it on " I
It is the caprice, the uncertainty caused by our own undisciplined characters which do our children the deadly wrong of letting them grow up without the " grit " and character which Lord Meath describes. When you hear children say, " Mother said we were not to go in the garden, but she'll be busy presently, and then we can go " ; or a father offer a boy a shilling if he will go and have a tooth out, what can you expect? We must learn the hard lesson of denying our children what we know is hurtful, however pleasant and desirable at the time, or our success as trainers is doomed. The baby who has discovered at six months that it can get what it wants—food at a time injurious to its digestion—by crying long enough and loud enough, easily develops into the boy who will eat sweets or tarts until he is ill, or the girl
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who will make things miserable all round if she cannot have exactly what she wishes ; and later into the man who is the victim of intemperance and impurity because he can withstand no temptation, but makes desire his law ; and the woman who ruins her husband by her extravagance in dress, or discounts her child's chance of health and happiness by refusing it the natural food God gives her to give it, because it will spoil her dresses or interfere with her amusements to do a mother's duties I
We want to think these things out for ourselves and to see how the habit of obedience early formed and therefore easily formed, will stand all through life, as well as making childhood and youth truly happy in a way a wilful, " spoilt " childhood can never be. We want no " broken wills " ; rather, above all, we want wills strong and firm, so strong and firm that they can submit instantly and without murmur or demur to a higher rule and will. What happiness is there for any of us until we have learnt to say from our hearts, "Thy will be done " ? And how much better is our children's chance of learning to say it without a terrible discipline of suffering i they have early learned to bend the very strength o their own wills in a complete submission to authority
God gives us two clear voices to guide and contra us when we have passed beyond the control o parents and masters to years of discretion—the voic of reason and the voice of conscience. The child who
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has learned to render prompt obedience to the parent who has been at once the explainer and the officer of God's will—without always asking " Why ? " but trusting and believing where he cannot understand—will grow into the man or woman who, if reason speaks and says, " If you indulge that habit it will grow and be your master; don't play with temptation," will resolutely turn away ; or if the clear call of conscience says, " This you must not do," or, " Up that difficult path lies your duty," can tread self under foot and obey the prohibition or the call. Therefore, as your first duty to your children, and so that in the future, when you can no longer guide them, they may obey reason and conscience, teach them simple, unquestioning, absolute obedience.
As a hint to young mothers, may I suggest that this is best done by having a few unvarying rules which are never broken, and not by an endless succession of " Do this ! " or " Don't do that ! " uttered without even pausing to see that obedience is rendered ? If you have not the time or patience to see that you are obeyed, you should not give a command, and—need I say ?—you should be very sure your rules and commands are just and right, made for the child's good and not for your own convenience, or the keen sense of justice and clear-sighted wisdom with which your child is dowered will find you
out.
Then, as years go on, see that the rules you make
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as to hours and household duties are kept, that there is no coming down late to breakfast, no nightly argument at bed-time, or appeal to you against school rules or authority. Choose your school carefully, and listen to no complaints against masters and mistresses. We owe it to the teachers, who so
wisely share our duties, to back them up whenever we can.
Then also let us avoid coaxing, bribing, and persuading as much as we avoid threatening and injustice.
Kipling, in a marvellous portrait of a " spoilt " boy,* who finally, through trouble and misfortune, found salvation (a boy whose father's millions and his mother's nerves, never allowing him to be corrected and punished, had literally never given him a chance in life), tells how the boy is suddenly plunged into a new world, and hesitates to obey a wise and prompt order, and adds the amazing comment, " It was the first time he had ever heard a direct command in his life."
Alas ! of how many English boys the same could be said—coaxing, petting, bribing, threatening, but never a clear command.
Undoubtedly one great indirect gain to our nation if a year or two's compulsory military service comes into the life of all our boys will be the training in habits of respect and obedience. Those who have
"Captains Courageous."
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had experience in the Church Lads' Brigade and Summer Camps tell us of the marvellous improvement in character of the boys brought about by the discipline and order of this work. A nation's greatest wealth is in a rising generation of cheerful, happy, disciplined, and duty-loving youths. Apart from its desirability for other reasons, two years of soldierly training would do much to give us such a generation.
To turn from obedience to self-control, in teaching habits of self-control and self-surrender, which will make so infinitely for our children's future happiness, undoubtedly the best method is to inculcate thought and care for others, the putting of themselves last and not first. In checking a boy's appetite for sweets, or foolish habit of spending on himself alone, the most effectual method is pointing out the duty of sharing.
Children's early impulses are often generously unselfish, but they are often selfish too. " Give me that," " That is mine," are the nursery utterances of the natural child ; but an early training such as that given by membership of the Ministering Children's League, in looking out for the needs and wants of others, adds to the duty of self-denial and moderation the joy of service and sharing. It supplies a higher and better motive for practice of self-denial, and guides the beautiful, generous impulses of youth into a safe and lovely path. The child so trained
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in obedience, self-denial, and the joy of sharing, far from having its loveliness and its promise spoilt and marred, will grow up into the man who fulfils to the utmost the beauty of that promise—an unspoilt man, the "noblest work of God."
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