Dear Jeremy

You have the charisma of a pair of unwashed Y-fronts in a selfie.  Even though I never really supported you because I always thought you were a useless twat, I was happy to take a post in your Shadow Cabinet. This meant I got more coverage in the media than just being a plain old constituency MP. When you are a preening Narcissist like me such things are among the most important in your life.

For that, I have to thank you. But I've had enough and I really can't go on any more so this is my letter of resignation.

You are pants as Labour leader so I urge you, because you are a decent man to do the decent thing and take the only action that can avert potential disaster by stepping aside.

If you do so I believe future generations will praise your selflessness.

If you refuse to step aside I fear you will go down in history as the man who broke the Labour Party.

Now kindly fuck off.

Yours etc

Chris Bryant

PS I am tweeting this letter to the wider world in the knowledge it will keep me in the public eye for longer and it will get me interviews on all the TV channels tomorrow.