I thought readers might be interested to know that on 3 December 2015 at 3.12pm precisely, Lord Hain of Neath gave his maiden speech to the House of Lords during discussions on the Strategic Defence and Security Review. I reproduce the full text below, thanks to Hansard.

I must say Lord Hain (right) seems to have taken to the Lords like the proverbial duck to water and I am sure he will spend many a happy hour there (Editor's note: not in the bar, hopefully). Having read the speech I can't help but having a strong feeling of deja vu. I am sure I have heard many of the quips before, either in Hain's articles or his book of memoirs, but more often both. No speech of Hain's would be complete, of course, without him invoking the name of Mandela, his parents (did you know Adelaine and Walter were incarcerated for their anti-apartheid beliefs?), and his own exploits on the cricket and rugby pitches as an anti-apartheid campaigner? And this speech does not disappoint as he tells us all about it - yet again. He has also, once again, had chance to mention his brother-in-arms, Lord Kinnock, another socialist who had no time for the House of Lords once, but now spends almost every available moment there.

Anyway, here's the speech. Make of it what you will.

Lord Hain (Lab) (Maiden Speech): "My Lords, I am pleased to follow the noble Lord, Lord Howell, who was such an eminent Cabinet Minister while I was campaigning. I am also pleased that my noble friend Lord Touhig will be replying and that many other noble friends are contributing.

Forty-five years ago, when notorious for running on to rugby and cricket pitches to stop all-white South African sports teams selected on race not merit, I never imagined being here. Indeed, a tabloid editor wrote at the time:

“It would be a mercy for humanity if this unpleasant little creep were to fall into a sewage tank. Up to his ankles. Head first”.

I thank my sponsors. My noble friend Lord Kinnock, a great Labour leader, welcomed me into the Labour Party in 1977 to speak at a massive Tribune rally without mentioning that they always sang “The Red Flag”, its words then unknown to me. Perhaps my miserable performance inspired John Redwood’s excruciating public rendition of the Welsh national anthem. Your Lordships may be unaware that my noble friend Lady Morgan of Ely is as talented a singer-songwriter as a politician, as she proved with a provocatively witty song at our wedding. She was outshone only by Nelson Mandela, who mischievously apologised, “But I hope to be there next time”.

It has been a long journey from Pretoria boy to Neath Lord. I thank the people of Neath for their warm support for over a quarter of a century. In recent months I have often been asked about retiring, but to me retiring from politics would be like retiring from life. Politics has been in my DNA from when, as a boy, my brave anti-apartheid parents, Adelaine and

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Walter Hain, were successively jailed, silenced by banning orders and finally forced into exile in London in 1966, when I was 16.

The defence review clearly has to take account of one of the biggest threats to our country’s immediate security—the barbaric ISIL/Daesh. I hope your Lordships will challenge a British foreign policy seemingly based more on dominating headlines than serious diplomacy. Syria represents one of the worst western foreign policy catastrophes of modern times, encouraging a terrible human calamity to become a disaster of almost biblical proportions. For this was never just a battle between a barbaric dictator and a repressed people, as the Prime Minister first argued. Instead, it is a treacherous civil war, a fiendishly complex battle between Sunni and Shia Muslims, between Sunnis and fundamentalist Sunnis, between Saudis and Iranians and their militia proxies, and between the US and Russia.

Today the Prime Minister at least has a plan for the first time. It leaves me almost persuaded, not least because when voting last year to back air strikes against ISIL in Iraq to stop its genocide, I pointed out that it had also to be attacked in its Syrian heartland. Britain must use its leverage now to insist that the regional powers take full ownership of this battle and, above all, that there is a credible ground force strategy—that the Prime Minister’s alleged 70,000 rebels is emphatically not. Nor is his reliance on the army of an inclusive Syrian Government. That is a future aspiration and certainly not an option for the foreseeable future.

Kurdish forces are fighting ISIL/Daesh impressively, but only in their own territory. Shia militias or Iranian soldiers are no answer fighting a Sunni enemy in bitterly aggrieved Sunni communities in both Syria and Iraq. Western ground troops would create exactly the battle that ISIL/Daesh craves. The imperative now must surely be for Sunni soldiers from Saudi Arabia, the Emirates, Qatar, Jordan and, above all, Turkey to fight and beat ISIL/Daesh. Britain could and should offer logistical support to those Sunni ground forces but they are indispensable.

Finally, I thank all the staff of your Lordships’ House, who have been fantastically helpful, especially Nicola Rivis in Black Rod’s office. I also thank your Lordships, across all parties, for your generous welcomes, especially the noble Baroness who told me, “It’s nice to have somebody young joining us”. I am a trifling 65 with six grandchildren.
3.17 pm"

You will note that it took five minutes, of which at least one half must have been sucking up and name dropping. Nothing new to see here then, folks. Time to move along.