STAN TAKES IN LODGERS

"He waits, that's what he does". Do you remember that line from the award winning Guinness commercial with the surfer? Well that's what I've been doing a lot of this week. Not surfing, much as I'd love to have a crack at it, even at my age. But waiting. Behind a net curtain, hoping I won't be spotted. And waiting a damned sight longer than what it takes to pull a pint of the dark stuff. So what's this all about then?

Well, I'm lucky enough this year to have a Blue Tits' nest in my garden, having renovated my old box and sited it in a good spot. I'd left it a bit late but within a few days of it going in I spotted a pair of the birds looking interested and no sooner said than done, they moved in.

I was quite apprehensive because at the same time "my" birds moved in, a pair of magpies had also moved in, in a tree in next door's garden - and they overlooked the box I'd erected. It doesn't seem to have bothered the tits who have now hatched their eggs, judging by the number of trips they are making back and forth.

I love birds so have tried to help them along somewhat. I set up a small feeder table in the safest spot in the garden. Then I went to Zoars and bought live mealworms which I keep in the spare fridge - my beer fridge no less! I didn't tell Mrs Stan about it and she thought I'd left last night's Chinese Takeaway container in there - until she picked it up and had a closer look. Having a lifelong aversion to snakes and seeing hundreds of little wriggly creatures in a plastic container - let's say she won't do it again.

Several times a day I spread the live worms on the table. And then I wait. Behind the net curtain I wait for "my" Blue Tits to have what's rightfully theirs. Hoping they'll be hungry enough to get there before all their competition. The trouble is I've now got the fattest magpies in Neath living next door to me. The tits are able to get a feed too, but you have to pick the times correctly to place food out. I've found as dusk is arriving the magpies are less keen to visit - the greedy beggars have probably had their fill by then and are already sleeping it off. Very early in the morning is good too - the fat magpies probably can't get out of bed.  A beautiful male blackbird also arrived today. Its plumage was in splendid condition - shiny, black and unruffled. And its beak was a sun glorious yellow like a buttercup, absolutely beautiful. They are usually ground feeders but it flew onto the table just after I'd stocked it up. Peck, peck went the bird - peck, peck, peck - and the worms disappeared into its beak at an alarming rate. I opened the window when I thought it had had enough for one bird. It looked at me and went straight back to filling itself up. Brilliant. Good luck to it. When it flew off it reminded me of a puffin with a mouthful of fish - there were countless mealworms hanging off its beak, so many I wondered how it could fly. I assumed it must have been taking food back to its own mate and youngs. There are still beautiful things around us and they don't cost us a penny (OK - mealworms excepted).

This whole birds thing got me thinking about the hierarchy in the bird world and similarities to our human world. (Actually it was Landra Whitehouse who set me off on this train of thought - I bet you didn't believe me and her were real people, did you?) The more ubiquitous species such as sparrows, starlings, tits and thrushes are like the workers of the human world. They are all increasingly threatened by the loss of their environment. They have to compete with each other every minute of the day, even fight each other just for scraps. It can be a short and dangerous life for some, it can be difficult to find a decent, safe place to nest. And all the time they have to put up with being pushed around and often robbed blind by other birds higher up the foodchain.

The Corvids, or crow family, remind me of the Establishment, more particularly our MPs. Clever and intelligent, granted, but devious, and you've only got to look at the collective nouns for the Corvid species to get a feel for what we think of them. You have a "band" of jays - have you ever seen a band of jays working a woodland. Thieving, raucous, merciless predators of smaller birds' nests. Then we have a "murder" of crows. Says it all, doesn't it? A bunch of ravens is "an unkindness". There is a "clattering" of jackdaws - they do make a din. My neighbours, the Magpies are next. You can take your pick of many names for these. A "charm", a "congregation", a "gulp", but the most well known is probably a "tiding". But what horrible birds these can be, as most people know. They will work a hedgerow finding the nests of other birds, stealing either the eggs or the young. And then they'll wait for these birds to have another go at breeding - and do exactly the same again. At this moment they are sitting in next door's tree clicking away as they do, watching, waiting for easy to come by food from whatever source. They strut, they preen, they bully, they lord it over the smaller birds, they are seemingly a law unto themselves.

So that's it then. Shall we make the analogy of some of our MPs to the Magpies of the bird world?(I'm not seriously suggesting any of our MPs are modern day King Herods, taking babies from people obviously, but there are similarities in other behaviour.) I am tempted, but there is one other Corvid that seems to fit the bill even better, and it's one we don't see as often as the others (well - that certainly fits). It's the Rook. Now rooks gather together in their own social group (that fits again) and look after each other's interests (certainly getting there now). They are loud, they are brazen and shameless, and if you've ever seen them raiding a farmer's crop you'd know how greedy they can be. And as if that wasn't enough to award the Rook the title of the MP of the Birdworld, the well-read among you will remember that the collective noun for the Rook is a "building" or a "parliament". Perfect - I award the title to the Rook.

Even more appropriate, the word "rook" is not just a noun but a verb - for those readers who appreciate the difference. And in my dictionary "to rook" is defined as "to defraud by cheating". It just doesn't get any better, does it?

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