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Jokes in English


Here are a number of jokes in English that you might find funny or, you may take a while to understand the connection!

Users of English, like perhaps many other language users, love to play with the words of their language. For many of these jokes, this displays something of the culture of language, in this case, British English.

Have fun!


What is blue and fluffy?


Have you heard the story about the broken pencil?

a. Blue fluff


a. It had no point




What is the most military day of the year?


What do you get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?

a. March 4th


a. An animal that talks your head off!




What wobbles as it flies?


What do deaf fish wear?

a. A jelly-copter


a. Herring-aids




What did one snowman say to the other snowman?


Why don't vampires like computers?

a. Can you smell carrot?


a. They hate anything new-fangled




What is a sentence with the word 'politics' in it?


What is a porcupine's favourite food?

a. My parrot swallowed an alarm clock and now poli-tics


a. Prickled onions




What kind of monkey can fly?


Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing cartoon animals who talk.”

a. A hot air baboon


a. “It sounds as if you're suffering from Disney spells.”




Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?


Doctor, doctor, I've got only 59 seconds to live.”

a. From a distance it looked like a hare


Just a minute please...”




What did Snow White say when she dropped off her camera film to be developed?


Why did the pilot crash into his house?

a. Some day my prints will come.


a. Because the landing lights were on.




What did one mountain sat to the other after an earthquake?


What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

a. “It's not my fault.”


a. Any dog. Buildings can't jump.




How did the hamster get to the hospital?


What are Santa's little helpers called?

a. In a hambulance


a. Subordinate clauses




How did the hairdresser win the race?


Why did the cannibal have indigestion?

a. She knew a short cut


a. He ate someone who disagreed with him




What is green and sings?


What would happen if you ate yeast and polish?

a. Elvis Parsley


a. You'd rise and shine




What did one hat say to the other hat?


What does a queen do when he burps?

a. You wait here and I'll go on a head


a. She issues a royal pardon.




Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I am a wheelbarrow.”


Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?

Don't let them push you around.”


It has great food, but no atmosphere




Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door?


What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?

a. Because he wanted to win a No-bell prize.


a. Oh-lay!



Who is the most famous married woman in America?


What has a bed but does not sleep, and a mouth but does not speak?

a. Mrs. Sippi


a. A river




Where should a dressmaker build her house?


What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refrigerator?

a. On the outskirts


a. Cool music




How does the Moon have a haircut?


What do you call a fly with no wings?

a. It has an eclipse


a. A walk




Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone else use his comb?


Why do grapes like sunbathing?

a. He couldn't part with it


a. It's their raison d'etre




How do you make gold soup?


What is the easiest house to pick up?

a. By adding 14 carrots


a. A light house




Did you hear about the fly that flew through a sieve?


Did you hear about the red ship which collided with the blue ship?

a. He strained himself


a. Both crews were marooned




A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I'll have a pineapple juice... ... ...on the rocks.”


The barman replies, “Why the big pause?”




Police have apprehended two children – the first was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks.


I don't know,” says the polar bear. “I've always had them.”



They charged one and let off the other.




How do you know when the teddy bear's picnic has finished?


Did you hear about the cement lorry that collided with a police van?

a. Because they're all stuffed


a. Five hardened criminals escaped




What do you call a fish with no eye?


Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

a. A fsh


a. Because he had no body to go with




What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?


Why did the tree fail its exams?

a. You're too young to be engaged


a. It was stumped




 Do you want more jokes?  Try this place!

Page Last Updated - 17/01/2009
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