Essay No. 14
The Everyday Training of Children
SOME REMARKS AND SUGGESTIONS
BY
Isabel D. Marris
WHEN dealing with the question of the training of children, it is only possible to do so in regard to general principles, for, as has been well said, "The training of every child is an experiment of incalculable possibilities. No certainty of success can exist at the outset, and the error of a wrong method is hardly discovered till too late for remedy. In other words, where various persons are making their way through a hitherto untraversed wood, nothing but the event itself can show which has taken the best course."
It is evident, however, that at the present time thoughtful people of all classes and of varying professions and occupations—teachers of public, elementary, and secondary schools; parents, rich and poor; employers of men's and women's labour; social workers of all creeds, religious and political—all are inquiring with great concern and anxiety, "Are we doing the best for the children after all ?" Indeed, it is well to ask in these days whether we are
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not, in our anxiety to give happiness and pleasure to the little ones. during their childhood, allowing them to wander at their own sweet will too far into the wood of pleasure, self-gratification, and self-centredness, and failing to point out to them with sufficient firmness that only 'the paths of duty, self-control, obedience, and effort can ever lead them safely through the wood to the homeland of happy communion and reverent intercourse with their FATHER-GOD.
Although one acknowledges with deep thankfulness that in many directions there is a splendid ideal of service and self-control upheld by and acted upon by both parents and children, one is only too familiar, on the other hand, with such expressions as the following, and with the facts which they describe. From the lips of workers in town and country alike one hears : "Lor' bless you, ma'am, I can't do anything with them. 'Twas never so in my day ; but now the children they take precious little heed of me or of their Dad. It's all for pleasure they are nowadays; they'll do no work at home." Or again one hears : " 'Tis no use talking to her, she'll go her own way spite of all I can say or do." From Suburbia comes the same lament : " Oh, Tommy he's quite beyond me; the children must go their own way now. I've talked till I'm tired, but they take no notice of me nor of their father." It is now a common experience for preparatory school masters
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or mistresses to hear parents say to them, "Of course,
we did not mean to send X to school for another
year or so (X— is now four or five years old), but you see no one can do anything with him (or her) at home, so there is nothing for it but to send him to school."
One can well imagine in how many cases this sense of failure and despair is felt, though not so candidly expressed, as one watches the weary faces of many young mothers, and the fretful fidgetiness of the children accompanying them.
What a sad confession of failure it is in what should be the highest delight in life, namely, the possession of children ! What had promised to be the crown of life's joy is turned to sorrow, disappointment, worry, and fret. And the pity of it is that the cause of a great deal of the trouble is over-fondness for the children.
What is the result of this unwise love on the children themselves, and also on the nation to which they belong ? For the children it means sorrow and suffering later in life, without doubt. Life's lessons of discipline have to be learnt sooner or later, and if they are not learnt by means of the wise, strict, but loving training given by the parents in early childhood, the lessons that experience of the world outside the home will teach will be far more harsh and bitter. And what about the nation to which these spoilt children belong ? The same is equally
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true. History teaches us what is the result, upon a nation, of a love of pleasure and luxury, self-pleasing, and lack of self-control. The laws that have always governed the world are not likely to be altered for the special benefit of the British race. If we as a nation follow the same path of indulgence that led to the downfall of Rome and Greece, we English people will just as surely be ruined by our own faults, or conquered by a more disciplined nation, as were the Romans and the Greeks.
I.--THE IMPORTANCE OF INFANTILE HABITS
From the downfall of kingdoms to the question of the management of babies seems a very far cry, but there is a clear connection between the two subjects nevertheless, for every baby is a citizen, and must some day do his 0r her duty to the country to which he or she belongs ; so let us consider the question of the management of the baby.
Every good nurse, and most mothers, know that the infant only a few weeks old will try the strength of its tiny will against that of those who are in charge of it. Lusty howls for food at the wrong time, coaxing and piteous little wails to be taken up and nursed instead of lying in the cot—who does not know the longing to take the little mite in one's arms and to soothe and comfort it as best one can ? To do this, however, is to begin that mistaken kindness which will soon cause great harm to the child. The tiniest
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baby should feel through all the love and care of the mother that she really knows best, and that it is no use to try to fight against her wishes. An infant cannot reason this out, of course, but it can feel the sense of authority just as quickly as it can feel the sense of love ; and everyone knows how quickly a baby can tell the touch or voice of someone who loves it.
A child should feel through all the love and care of the parents that it would be of no use to " try it on," to clamour and coax, to storm or to sulk for what it wants, because when mother or father said, "No," it meant "No," and nothing else. Children are just as sensitive to "touch " as animals are. The horse or dog whose master is strict but kind, is happy and bright, and plays no stupid tricks. But hand the management of the same animals over to some friend who is timid or foolishly kind, who one day allows one thing and the next day forbids it, and you are surprised to find your steady, cheerful favourites looking, as the saying runs, "just anyhow," and becoming lazy and full of naughty ways. The same is true of children. They need a wise, steady firmness over them from the earliest days right on until they have learnt to rule themselves.
We hear a great deal about "unchecked self-development" and "natural growth," and many, other wonderful theories that all have some measure of truth in them, no doubt, but that also work a great deal of mischief. Far more harmful than all such
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ideas, however, is the sheer ignorance of many young mothers as to what may or may not be allowed in the controlling of their babies. They know little or nothing of the child's physical strength or nature, but often live in terror of something mysterious happening internally, or that the baby will have convulsions the moment it uses its little lungs to howl lustily. "Oh, my baby never cries," one hears a proud young mother say to a friend; "I never let him cry; one never knows how they may injure themselves by a crying fit. Now, he is so quiet you would hardly think there was a baby in the house, he is so good." If the friend has any experience she will probably point out that there must be something very wrong with a baby who lies so unnaturally still all day. Such a state of affairs is just as wrong as to have an infant wailing and fretting morning, noon, and night. In either of such cases there is probably mismanagement as well as ill-health.
Mrs. Sumner, the President of the Mothers' Union, has said over and over again that by the age of three years a child should be consciously obedient. If this result is to be obtained it is absolutely necessary that the training should begin from the earliest days of the child's life.
II—FIRST LESSONS IN SELF-DEPENDENCE - FEEDING
In the daily training of little children who are no longer helpless babes, there arises first and foremost
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a greater need for patience and self-control on the part of the mother. As long as an infant is helpless and entirely dependent on the mother, the amount of time and attention spent on the child rests entirely, with her. But soon the time comes when it is necessary to begin the first lessons in self-help, and help of mother too. For those who have not a great deal of work to do it is delightful above all things to spend a l0ng time in watching the alterations and developments each day brings in the child, and in patiently training each tiny effort made. But to the busy woman to whom every moment of time is precious, and also to the very young mother who still longs to do every single thing for her baby herself, there is a danger lest the time and patience and the wisdom that is needed to teach a little child to wait on itself should be lacking. It is far quicker and much less trouble, and is often a greater pleasure, to dress a child from head to foot oneself than to stand by while the little thing struggles with socks and shoes and petticoats. It is a great deal easier to take the spoon and feed the baby oneself than to keep patient and good-tempered while the small person wildly waves its spoonfuls of gravy, or makes fascinating mountains and hills of rice pudding or rivers of milk before it finally gets through enough dinner to last out till tea-time. In fairness to the child, however, these daily lessons must be given, for self-help is necessary to happiness and is the
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beginning of help of others. It is astonishing how soon young children can learn to be helpful to themselves and others too when they are expected to be so. The child that is expected at two or three years old to be able to carry a cup or plate without accident will rarely break anything, while often a child of six or seven is thought wonderful if he can eat his meals without spilling everything within reach or cutting his fingers with the knives.
The question of making children eat their meals properly is sometimes a difficult one, especially with "only " children. It is often a matter of health, but by no means always so often as is imagined. It is not possible to lay down rules, but one general principle certainly holds good for all ordinary, normal children who are not out of health—namely, that if they will not eat their meals properly at the proper time, if they get very slow and play with their food, or are fanciful over it, they must just go hungry till the next mealtime. It will never hurt a healthy child to be hungry for a few hours. If it cries, it is its own fault, and it must be made to see this, not with anger, but with wise firmness. To let the child leave the food provided at the proper time, and then to give it something else half an hour or an hour later, is spoiling of the worst kind, for physical appetite must be controlled from the earliest years.
This is one of the most important lessons, and is the foundation of great powers either for good
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or evil later in the child's life. Mother Nature, in her wisdom, punishes us all in this same way if we disregard her laws. If we give in to our likes and dislikes, if we refuse good food and fresh air, and abuse the rules of health by indulging ourselves in snicks and snacks of food or drink just when we feel inclined, digestion and general health suffer sooner or later without fail. It is perfectly certain also that the girl or boy who, from childhood, has been allowed to indulge in whims and fancies over food and drink whenever he or she chooses, will have a far harder battle to fight against those other desires that will assert their power and struggle to gain the mastery later on in life.
An ordinarily healthy child will not turn faint or be injured in any way by being consciously hungry for a spell of four or six hours. Indeed, there are many men and women living to-day who have reason to be thankful that they have known what real hunger was. To mention only one, the Bishop of Auckland himself acknowledged this when speaking to the Mothers' Union Conference last year. It is not easy for the boy or girl who has no idea what it feels like to be really hungry ever to thoroughly sympathise with those to whom hunger, and, worse still, the hunger of those they love, is a daily experience.
There is another point in connection with this which is also worth bearing in mind. It is this. Children should have plenty of good, wholesome
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liquid—water, weak tea, milk, &c.—at proper times during the day, but it is not wise to allow them
continually to have sips and drinks of water at other
times. An additional draught of some wholesome beverage after a cricket or football match, or after
dancing or some big romp, is, of course, reasonable,
but the constant request for "a drink of water" that many children make is not a good thing. In many
cases the need for it is only imaginary, and, as teachers know, it is often only an excuse to draw attention, or to break through the lesson or occupation in hand at the moment.
In addition to the daily training in good habits in regard to food and drink, it is advisable that now and then some meal should be gone without, or restraint over food in some way practised.
For example, if there is to be a shopping expedition to the town which will prevent return to the
family dinner or tea, it is sometimes a good thing to say to the children, "We will not get anything to eat in town, we will wait till we get home, it costs so much going to town; or we will spend the money on buying a present for X—, and it will not hurt us to be hungry for once."
If the children are tiny and cannot quite understand this, one can play a game and imagine that we are soldiers or travellers who cannot find any food, or that there is a siege of the town and all the food has been eaten up.
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In only too many, cases a journey to the town is an occasion for what the boys vulgarly call "a good blow-out" for the youngsters, or, at any rate, for a supply of buns, chocolate, or nuts. There is nothing much more delightful or less harmful than now and again to take some small people in the holidays to a confectioner's and to give them a "good tuck-in," but this is a different thing from making it a custom to have extra nice food every time there is a visit to the town.
The same principle applies equally, of course, to indulgence in toys, papers, and presents every time the child, or the parents, make some outing or journey. The writer knows a child whose mother always bought him some present every time she went to the neighbouring town, and whenever he went with her. Soon the child could not go to the railway book-stall or the village shop without wanting to buy something for himself. When he went to a boarding-school he had great difficulty over his pocket-money, for he could not resist cameras, knives, or pocket pens. He spent all his money in advance, and soon got quite used to borrowing from his chums, without realising for a moment, poor little chap, that he was doing what was not right. Luckily, after a hard battle with himself, and with the help of a dearly loved godparent, who discovered how things were, he has now learnt self-control.
It is extremely hard to resist the inclination to
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give every possible pleasure and every toy or present that one can find money for to the bairns that one loves, but indeed to do so always is cruel kindness in the long run.
I.-THE NEED FOR ORDER AND GOOD METHOD
However much trouble and time it may take, it is absolutely necessary to train even tiny children to be careful of their own possessions, and also, as they grow older, to be punctual and prompt in the affairs of daily life.
The child who throws its clothes off anywhere and anyhow ; who can never find its lesson-books, t0ys, or tools; who persists in using sponges, tooth-brushes, or towels for unlawful purposes, such as cleaning bicycles or messing with photography ; who is, in short, wasteful and untidy, is not likely to develop into the man or woman ready to, and capable of, seizing the chances of life as they come. The untidy, unmethodical, and unpunctual child will certainly become a hurried, worried, always-behindhand man or woman, and how can such a one be ready, for instance, at a few hours' notice to pack up and start for the Colonies on some errand for his employer, or to fill some vacancy that sudden chance leaves open to him ?
Once more we find that training in orderly daily routine is a matter for self-restraint on the part of both mother and child. The tears and sighs of pro-
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test of the good old-fashioned days when clothes had to be folded up and properly put away, the wriggles of shame and discomfort at being marched upstairs again from the cosy corner by mother's fire in the drawing-room because those dreadful toys or "doll-rags" were found stuffed into odd corners or left lying about in the nursery, all formed a valuable training that is, alas too often missing in the present day, when the children in many families run riot all over the house, where their toys and possessions are strewn over chairs and tables in every room, and where the mother's scissors and cottons, paper and pens, and even dresses and gloves, are considered common property.
Think for one moment how disorderly habits must affect the habits of later life. The boy who is for sixteen or more years of his life continually happy.go-lucky and careless; who spoils his clothes, his tools, and his bats; who never knows if he is in debt with his pocket-money or not ; who may turn up to dinner in time, or who may be half an hour late; and who can never be depended on to bring back a message correctly or to time, is not likely to turn out a good business man, capable of doing steady, continuously, responsible work, needing forethought, accuracy, and reliability. With his personal affairs in confusion, and always being half an hour behind time, is he likely ever to have a spare hour or day in the week in which to do his share of the work of his
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town or his church ? What chance does such a lad stand in the competition of business life to-day ? Boys must be boys, and, above all, let us avoid making prigs of the bairns, or of making them old before their time; but there can be plenty of fun and merriment for the children even if they are trained to orderly ways.
The same is equally true for the girls. The fly-about, untidy, unpunctual girl, always in a flurry
and a worry, who rushes for trains in a perfect
scramble, who forgets half her errands when going to the town, who in younger days was often late for
school and forgot her lesson-books or clean pinafore,
what chance has such a girl of happiness and comfort when she comes to have a little home of her own ?
In married life in modest circumstances, where every
detail must be thought out and worked out by herself, where it is necessary to care for every atom of
material either of food, or house linen, or dress, or
cooking utensils if both ends of a slender income are to be made to meet, where, when the babies come,
every moment of the day must be carefully arranged if there is to be any peace or comfort for herself or her husband, what chance has an untrained, undisciplined, careless girl to make a success of her life ? If she does not marry, but goes into business, her need for training in orderliness is just as great.
Let us turn also to another aspect of this question which is too often overlooked.
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In times of great trouble, sorrow, pain, or anxiety, all that seems left to hold to are the habits of daily life. When all one's world lies shattered around one. or when, more difficult still, it is necessary to go on with the "daily round and common task " while heart and brain are on the rack with sickening fear and anxiety, or with the pain of disgrace or sorrow for those one loves, what is the result if the daily habits (so strong that they are automatic) are good habits, orderly, quiet, and methodical ? One has seen such cases often enough. What unspeakable blessing and help has been found by many and many a self-controlled man and woman, during such times of trial, in the fact that the call of duty keeps them fully occupied. The very performance of the orderly daily tasks helps to show the way in which order may be brought out of the ruin and confusion that trouble seems to have made of their lives. There is every chance of recovery of brain and heart and nerves, and the successful building up again of the seemingly broken life, when self-control and discipline in small matters secure that quiet for the soul in which the voice of GOD may be heard.
In contrast to this, one often sees hysterical, uncontrolled men and women, during times of such distress, throwing overboard all the daily responsibilities, dropping the daily toil to sit in almost unbearable agony of mind and discomfort of body, brooding over trouble that is beyond their power
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to help, and finally throwing up the sponge to seek relief in suicide, drink, reckless pleasure, or a ceaseless restlessness that drives them from place to place, and from occupation to occupation, to the misery, and often the ruin, of their children and relations.
In a lesser degree, one often sees trouble result from the unsettling influence of great happiness on the untrained man or woman. Many mothers know to their cost the personal discomfort, as well as the anxiety that they feel, when their girl or boy becomes thoroughly "out of gear " with daily duties owing to the exciting pleasure of an engagement or marriage. If this were not so, if more self-control were exercised during this happy period in life's history, years of unhappiness might sometimes be avoided.
It is scarcely possible, therefore, to exaggerate the importance of teaching even little children the need for order, punctuality, and self-control. To do this it is necessary to show them that, though they will be forgiven for being naughty or careless, they must take the consequences of their own actions.
For example. If the children will not get up in the morning in time to get off to school properly, after warning them or helping them once, or at most twice, it is far kinder in the long run to let them manage for themselves and take the punishment that comes from being late. In the case of the tiny ones some help must be given, but even a child of
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five or six is quite able to put its own cap and coat and lesson-books ready for to-morrow's school. "Forgetting" is not sufficient excuse, neither is "I didn't think." Probably both facts were true at the time, but then the child must be taught to remember and to think. Such so-called excuses will not be of any use in later life. The doctor whose patient dies because he "forgot" to have ready an important instrument for an operation, or whose patient is crippled because he "didn't think" such a bandage or splint would be necessary when called to the scene of the accident, is not going to be let off a verdict of criminal negligence for excuses like this. The child must be taught this lesson while it is a child, or it will live to blame, not bless, the over-fond parents who always made good its mistakes and accepted any flimsy excuse to avoid punishment.
So if the children are late for school, or leave lessons unlearnt, or books at home, let them take the consequences, even if it means a good sound caning that they will remember, or a detention that will make them miss the long-looked-for treat; and if all the pocket-money has been spent before mother's birthday present is bought, do not always make the loss good. It does not mean that mother and father are less loving and fond; on the contrary, it is only the truest parent-love that will be brave enough to let the children suffer for their faults, for their own good, and it is quite possible to make the children
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understand this. Is not this also the only way to teach them what we feel to be the meaning of our FATHER-GOD in sending the hard lessons of sorrow and pain to His children whom He loves ?
IV.—PLEASURES AND TREATS
In regard to the question of pleasures and treats there lies a very great difficulty for thoughtful parents at the present time.
We are living in what is, above all, a pleasure-loving age, and to guard our children against the general spirit of the day is quite impossible. There are a vast number of treats and pleasurable occupations for the children nowadays, as well as for the elders. School treats and festivals, Sunday-school and church treats, charity bazaars and theatricals, guilds and classes of all kinds, besides private, birthday, and Christmas parties, and picnics, bicycling, tennis, motoring, theatres, week-end and annual visits to seaside, country, or friends. It is extremely doubtful if all this excitement and constant amusement, too much of it "ready-made," is good for the children at all. It is more than probable that it creates or strengthens a love of continual pleasure separate from home duties and occupations, which makes the later restrictions of married or business life extremely trying to the young people. There is a grave danger in the lessening of home ties, home occupations, and family affections which is almost impossible to avoid when every evening of the week is occupied with
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classes, clubs, or social gaieties. It is worth considering whether the simpler and less frequent pleasures of past days, which allowed time and strength for reading and study and quiet amusements for all the family together in the home, were not a healthier and sounder means of recreation than those of the present day. But whatever one may think, it is very difficult to go back to the methods of those days.
One fact, however, remains true. It cannot possibly be right for the children to have so many pleasures that home duties and family courtesies and attentions are neglected.
It is most necessary to guard against selfishness in children during the years of school life in any case, because self-development is the main duty of the child during all these years. It is the duty of the child to make every effort to train its own powers, feelings, and actions, and to strive for its own position and honour in every way during the weeks and months of the school year. This being the case, then, it is quite clear that definite helpfulness in one form or another must be expected and claimed from the child. Particularly should this help be given to those at home during the holiday weeks (as well as during term time for the good of the school community) if we would prevent the little one from becoming entirely self-centred and selfish for the rest of its life.
The question is, do we expect, and do we get,
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as much real help, unselfish attention, or even common politeness, as we ought to receive from the children of to-day upon whom we spend so much care, time, money, thought, and pleasure ? Do we not hear instead the cry, "We must keep up with the children's interests " from parents who are straining every nerve to procure educational or social advantages for their children, or the money for extra holidays and pleasures of one kind or another ? How often does one hear from a tired, weary mother seeking a short hour's rest and recreation with a friend, "Oh, no, thank you, I could not possibly stay ; the children would not like it if I did not go back. I must give them their tea, arid there's the baby to put to bed." "But surely," one rejoins, "Mary is old enough to give the little ones their tea and to put baby to bed ? " "Oh, no, I never leave it to her," is the reply. "You see, she forgets things, and is rather careless; and, besides, she has her girls' club or her singing class to-night, I forget which, but it is one of the things she goes in for." Surely this cannot be right. One admits with regret that in a certain number of cases it is the mother who constantly goes out and who leaves the care of the children to the elder ones, or to the governess or servants ; but such cases are not nearly so numerous as those similar to the one described. The same thing runs through all classes of the community. The overworked, hard-driven mother of the poorest class
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rarely seems to expect any help nowadays from her growing boys and girls; and in the richest homes the mother and father often perform their round of social, political, and philanthropic duties and obligations while the young folk fly here and there for their motoring, their golf, and their shooting.
Where does the difficulty lie ? Surely, in the first place, with the parents themselves, and also in the "spirit of the age," to which we each contribute our quota, and by which also we are largely influenced. How seldom one hears now the old phrase, "Duty first and pleasure after," yet the truth it conveys is still sound. It is almost as cruel to let love of pleasure take so firm a hold on a child as it is to expose it to the temptations of drink, of gambling, or of vice. Combined with loving service for others, pleasure has a true place and influence in life, but without this sense of duty and of love it is like a drug, insidious and evil, which leads in the long run to utter boredom, discontent, and unhappiness. By all means let us give the children as happy and gay a childhood as possible, but let us strive with all our strength to keep them from foolish and selfish indulgence in pleasure that will only end in unhappiness.
V.-THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF TRAINING
There is another aspect of training that it is well to think about, and that is the physical side.
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There is a school of thought at the present time that believes that all pain and discomfort is in itself bad, and to be avoided wherever possible. It is very
doubtful whether this is really true. No one would be found to say that it was a good thing to give pain to any living thing without good reason and purpose, in order t0 prevent some greater evil of body or of soul. To believe that all pain is evil and to be prevented at all costs, however, is to run a great risk of making ourselves "soft " and cowardly, and to allow disease of spirit and soul to take possession of us through dread of hard work, effort, or pain.
In training children it is necessary to be very careful in this respect, for it is terrible to see children suffer in any way, and hard not to pet and comfort them for every ache or pain, but it is not kind to do so. For instance, it is most unwise to bribe a child to take medicine or to have a tooth pulled out, yet it is constantly done. It is far better to tell the little thing straight out that the medicine is nasty and that the tooth will hurt, and to expect it, as a matter of course, because it is a British child, to bear the discomfort or pain without crying out or grumbling.
This is also true in regard to matters connected with health. Continually to ask a child how it is feeling when it is ill, and to discuss medical details and symptoms in its presence, is to fill its little brain full of ideas of its aches and pains, and to create the habit of constantly considering whether it feels well
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or ill. The amount of medical knowledge which many children possess is really revolting to a healthy-
minded person, while the lackadaisical airs and graces over headaches and toothaches and what used to be called "growing pains" is really too serious to be as funny as it appears at first sight.
A lady who had had to bear long months of most trying ill-health once said : "I cannot be too thankful that when we were young my mother, although she was always most sympathetic and kind if we had headaches or heavy colds, always expected us to go right on with our lessons or household duties. We were never let off doing anything unless we were ill enough to go to bed and see the doctor. Nothing has stood me in such good stead during all these months as this habit of going right on."
This is indeed a most valuable lesson for any child to learn, and one which is absolutely necessary, for, for most of us, the daily bread must be earned and daily duties done in spite of aches and pains. And what joy is so keen as the wonderful sense of the power that enables mind and spirit and conscience to conquer bodily weakness and temptation ?
It is perfectly possible for a mother to watch the most delicate child and to make close observation of it without the child being conscious that it is being treated as an invalid. It is possible, also, when necessary, to shorten the hours of lessons, or to alter some of the little daily duties that have been given
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to that child, without allowing it to feel that it is an invalid who must always be excused for this or that fault or ill-temper.
In regard to punishment one can only lay down broad principles. We have progressed greatly in our knowledge and understanding of children. For instance, no one would now dream of continuing the custom of flogging children for small faults and intellectual dullness which at one time prevailed. Neither do we wish to perpetuate that arbitrary form of rule which failed to develop the personal self-control of the child, and which, when it was discarded, frequently resulted in a reaction in favour of complete self-indulgence. At the same time, one cannot help seeing that we are coming to have a morbid and unwise dread of all forms of compulsion and physical pain. The habit of prompt and unquestioning obedience must be formed, and formed practically during infancy. It is not possible to reason with an infant of three, yet obedience there must be, and it must be enforced, if the mother's or father's word or look is not sufficient, which it should be, as a rule.
It is necessary to find out (but not by injudicious questioning of the child) the cause of the wrongdoing, and then to decide the form of punishment necessary. Great care must be taken, however, that such attempts to understand the children do not develop into excuse-making and excuse-taking on the
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part of parent and child, for this only results in present and future misery for all concerned. It is impossible to discuss here the various forms of punishment suitable for different cases. One can only say, briefly, that the sole object of punishment is remedy, and that there are cases where it is more merciful to give a whipping, properly and privately administered, than to allow a fault to continue, or to prolong other methods which have failed to remedy the mischief, and which, if continued, make the child feel hopelessly and constantly naughty, and the parent or teacher feel constantly cross and "nagging."
Whatever its form, no punishment should be given or ordered when the parent or teacher is angry or irritated, or the child's quick sense of justice may be wounded, and consequently the punishment will be rendered ineffective, for the child will feel that it was only the result of the grown-up person's temper, and not due to its own naughtiness. In spite of this precaution, however, there must on no account be explanations or arguments about any matter. Any such tendency must be stopped immediately. An order given or a rule made must be obeyed at once and without question, as, for instance, in the matter of going off to bed at the very first word, or in regard to punctual appearance at the breakfast table. Such few rules as govern the household must be strictly observed, and their infringe-
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ment must entail some form of punishment. This is absolutely necessary, not only if confusion, discomfort, and "nagging " are to be avoided, but that the habit of unquestioning obedience may be learnt. The development of the individual self-control and power of moral action is aided rather than hindered by such means. As the child's reason develops he perceives the necessity for such regulations for the individual and for the family ; but the formation of the habit of obedience must come first, and must be insisted upon, from the earliest years, at all costs of time, trouble, patience, or even, if necessary, of punishment.
In regard to punishment at school. It is the parents' business to select the school carefully. When this is done, it is only fair to the teachers and to the child alike to uphold the authority of the school and the discipline maintained there. It is most unwise to allow a child ever to hear criticism of a teacher. If the teacher's methods and ways are not satisfactory, it is quite possible to find out what is amiss without discussing the whole matter with the child. Then, if matters are seriously wrong, the child can either be taken away from that school, or the parents can go to the teacher and quietly ask his or her version of the case, and then decide what shall be done. Little children have a natural and wholesome regard for those in authority, and they rely on all "grown-ups" to say and do what is right.
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It is a serious matter, therefore, to allow a child to find out that its parents can find fault with its teachers ; it upsets the child's trust and faith in nearly all its little world, and ever after lessens its regard for any authority, sometimes even that which is Divine.
In conclusion one can but repeat that the training of each child must in detail be individually decided upon. It is equally sure, however, that certain broad principles must be adhered to. Self-control, and a practical experience of the laws of consequence, must be instilled into every infant and into every growing boy and girl, if they are to be properly equipped to face life, and if our nation is to rise to the magnificent responsibilities which have been placed in its hands.
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