MS MAFANWY JONES HAS FINALLY JOINED THE WEBSITE FOLLOWING MINOR SURGERY TO CORRECT A SQUINT IN HER LEFT EAR. SHE HAS BEEN TRAWLING THROUGH THE DOZENS OF LETTERS RECIEVED SEARCHING FOR COMFORT AND ADVICE SENT IN FROM THE WIDER METROPOLIS OF WIGAN.
Dear Ms Jones,
I am currently working as a self employed unemployed biscuit fancier, working from home. Sadley due to the recent downturn in the price of Brent Crude Oil and the collapse in the left handed hammer industry. I have been finding it difficult to afford to stay at home being lazy and slothlike.
I just don't seem to be able to avoid the fact that I am no longer in a position to contemplate my belly button whilst dreaming of what to order next from QVC, only to send it straight back for free without wearing it.
I am sure that my plight is not an isolated case, and that many bone idle wastes of spaces like myself are struggling to sustain our professional levels of work shy avoidance.
At times I feel like ending it all. Unfortunately I just can't be arsed.
Please Please , can you resolve my dilemma ?
Kieron
Dear Kieron,
Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear....... !
Have you tried rubbing natural yogurt on it ?
Dear Ms Jones
For several years now I have been the proud chairman of a regional mid week social club and registered charity. Recently I have become aware that my standing and respected position is becoming more under threat from my less experienced and able colleagues. With increased stress in my everyday life, I am finding it difficult to focus on work and my demanding role within a hectic club schedule . Pressure and mental disquiet haunt me, which has trebled due to branch expansion and the introduction of the new state of the art interactive club swipe card system.
The supreme effort I put in seems to be ignored and sadly I feel marginalised and lonely. Only recently I was seriously ill, with a poor prognosis of recovery. But even then not one person came to visit me in my hour of need. I bravely pulled through to return to my vocation and was greeted by a poultry, tatty dirt stained cheap card just left in my works pigeon hole. How much lower can I sink, and how much more can I endure ?
PLEASE PLEASE, What can you suggest to get me through this pain ?
E.J ( Hindley )
Dear E.J
Oh my Oh my..... You do seem to be having a bit of a rough ride at the moment. Maybe you could take up a new hobby or interest ?
Flower arranging and stamp collecting are very soothing , even theraputic.
What about crossdressing ?
You could discover your vunerable feminine alter ego and enjoy the freedom of being someone else at weekends. I am led to believe there are venues that cater for such things in the North West.
Chin up.... Worse things happen in a Japanese prisoner of war camp.
Dearest Dr Jones,
Myself and a chosen gang of intrepid thrill seekers have been on the trail of the mythical treasures contained within the library of ancient Alexandria.
Up to now we have followed some teasing clues , but sadly we are no closer to our prize than we were two years ago. Since reading about the wonders of this fabled collection of knowledge and cultural items, I have made it my personnal quest to solve the riddle of its final resting place.
Many of my colleauges have searched far and wide to bring some kind of clarity to what seems an unsurmountable task. We just require the hint of a lead to fire up our already all consuming lust for adventure and daring do.
We have checked second hand book shops in Southport and on The Wirral for any parchment or dusty documents. We even went to Manchester on a cheap day return ticket, but regrettably we turned up a blank.
Can you offer the team any guidence ?
Are we wearing the correct hats for this type of odessey ?
Tarvin Gloop
Hello Tarvin,
What a lovely name, do you have a brother or sister called Augustus ?
Unfortunatly I have the the painters in at the moment, so I wil need to have a think about this one. Have you tried Abram Community Book Centre ?
They have some really good magazines and periodicals in there.
P.S Thats not a euphemism for my time of the month by the way. I really am having my stairs and landing done.
Hello Miss Jones.... Or is it Ms ?
Recently I have been hearing numerous disturbing sounds eminating from my back passage. My husband as vigourously inspected said area, to no avail.
My small entry leads from my front garden through to our rear decked yard, which includes a rustic barbeque area and sun terrace.
The moans and groans of some tortured soul can be heard in the twilight hours of the morning, and the srcatching and clinking of metal or glass is most upsetting.
We believe that a specteral being has set up residence within the house. And we are at a loss to what we should do.
My husband is spending more and more time at his friends bar in fear for his sanity, sometimes only getting home in the early hours.
Could you please advice me on what I can do at this very testing time ?
Yours Expectantly
Mrs Belinda Tripe
Hello Belinda
What a to do...... You could employ the services of world renowned paranormal expert Mr D Pakora to cleanse your abode of this phantom pest.
Or you could just join a slimming club, which may take your mind off things for a short while and help distract the thoughts of this intruder in your back passage.
Have you considered copious amounts of gin ?
Works for me.
Dear Miss Jones
I think I have a very strange problem. Unlike most men I always have one hand on my little soldier, my mothers pride.
Sometimes I even use my own hand
Does this have something to do with my Celtic ancestry or blood line ?
I am one sixteenth part Welsh
If I could just pin down which bit, I would obviously get it removed.
Yours Evan Bevan Evans
( LLANNGLIGNOG LYN GOGO GLUG )
Dear Ms Jones ! ! !
Please Please Please, can you explain Ant & Dec to me ?
Yours Ed Enoff ( Langfold on Cringe)
Dearest Miss Jones,
I am worried sick about my female companion of over twelve years. She has stopped eating and drinks very little , even when tempted by her favourite beverage.
She seems to just sleep all day long and whine all through the night. I have hardly been able to get a full nights rest for over a month now.
Please can your rescue us from this spiraling plunge into the Abyss.
All the shine has gone out of her fur and those bright eyes have become dimmed , even lifeless.
Yours Rigsby & Vienna
Hello Vienna,
What a lovely name. Where does it come from ?
If I was you I would try eating little and often, and try to avoid dairy and cocaine bases products.
Dear Mr Jones
I am writing to congratulate you on your advice and honest cander towards the numerous sad and pathetic souls, who seem to feel there may be a simple fix to their meaningless wasted exsistence.
We all know that most of these specimens have very little hope of a fruitful and successful life. With most of them facing a bleak and uncertain future.
Also I would like to take this opportunity to express my heart felt thanks and appreciation of your brillant performances in the BBC comedy sitcom ' DADS ARMY'.
You always made us laugh at the Convent.
Yours Faithfully
Sister Asumpta of the Holy Order of St Barnacle
Dearest Sister of the Holy Order,
I couldn't agrree with you more, a penal colony is too good for some of these people. They never seem to embrace the beauty of fine art and music. Victor Sylvester had a wonderful orchestra.
Keep your thoughts coming in
Ms Jones x
Dear Ms Jones
Have you been missold P P I ?
If the answer is yes you could be entitled to compensation and a peerage from the Queen.
Example : Jack from Warrington recieved £20,000,000 and a knighthood when he was misled into getting insurance for 5lb of Cheshire potatoes.
This could be you ?
Call to register on 02133 666111 ex 443 ( New Zealand Premium Rate )
Mrs Jones
I am interested in seeking your advice on this P P I scandle that is so prevalent at the moment. I had a Trustee Savings Bank account from the age of five, till I was nearly six and one half years of age.
Mother and Father have been putting a portion of my weekly pocket money into said pass book to provide me with a long term investment in my teens.
Following a moment of impulse at Bernards Toy Shop on the High Street, I purchased a Mark II Ranger Catapult on higher purchase to shoot at vermin behind the summer house at Grandfathers small holding.
Whilst purchasing my chosen item, the saleperson advised me to take out insurance on my monthly payments to protect against malfuction or damage.
To my horror some thirty years later when the triangle 4mm elastic band has perished beyond repair, I tried to claim off the insurance policy and was informed that I was no longer covered. Something to do with the collapse of the childhood toy insurance buisness.
Do I have any recourse in law to be compensated for this injustice, and the mental scars myself and all my toys have suffered ?
Yours always and forever
Randle Pitcher of Gryffindor House
x x x x x
Hello again Randle
I think you'll find that the court restraining order in place also covers emails.
Hello Miss Jones,
As an avid reader of Hydroponics Monthly, I was reduced to tears on dicovering that colonic irrigation has nothing to do with sustainable high tech soil free plant nurture.
I don't think my neighbour will get over the site of my wife and I attempting to recreate the technique in our garden pergula.
How can I rebuild my now fragile reputation in a small minded, racist, blinkered, insular, fascist, satanic country village like ours.....?
Yours willingly oh Dark Lord
Darnelle & Sebrina Phart x x
Hello Darnelle & Sebrina,
Crumbs, you are in a pickle. I would suggest a low sodium , high fibre diet to bulk up on those important nuitrients and grains.
Why not invite some of the local coven around for tea & sandwiches. This may help to soften the feeling towards you and stop any goats blood being daubed onto you Volvo V 60 estate.
Always more than happy to help
M.J ( The White Witch )
