So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller'. He said 'Not you again'.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.'

A fella said to the doctor: 'What’s the good news?' 'You’ve got 24 hours to live.' He says: 'What’s the bad news?' And the doc says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

A man goes into Boots and says: 'Have you got Viagra?' 'Do you have a prescription?' asks the chemist. 'No,' he replies, 'But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...'

Private Scotty Scouse I didn't see you in camouflage class today. Thank you very much, sir.

A fella walks into a pet shop and says 'Give me a wasp.' The shopkeeper replies 'We don't sell wasps.' He says 'There's one in the window.

Don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Have you heard about the Scouser who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?