AN OBJECTIVE VIEW OF TEENAGE PREGNANCY AND PARENT HOOD: The trauma, the isolation, attitudes, decisions, consequences and outcomes.

I want to provide a personal view of contradictions, judgements, assumptions and misconceptions by well, just about everyone actually, when a young single woman finds that she is pregnant. 
Before you decide to delete this writing as not relevant to you and your professional work as an educator of early years, primary or secondary schools or in any another caring profession, I would urge you to read on.  Perhaps you might reflect on whether the scenario described below will have been part of the experience of your clients as service users, parents or pupils.
My challenge to you:
Can professionals unconsciously make sweeping value judgements about clients who fall into specific categories?  Does our practice sometimes rely on ill thought out assumptions, from the behaviour and lifestyle that we are privileged to glimpse in our professional lives?
How often does a professional come into your home, glimpse at the empty wine bottles put out for recycling, the pile of washing waiting to be loaded into the washing machine after a very busy week, glimpse at the magazines and newspapers lying around and make judgements about your politics and values and domestic skills then notice the stack of boxes of chocolates on the coffee table which were given from a recent birthday and suggest to you that you might benefit from a support worker to discuss your dependence on booze and chocolate?
Perhaps we can all think carefully about preconceptions when next entering someone’s home to support a client in need.
Reflect for a moment while suspending judgement:
My challenge is for us all to reflect on our own stereotypes and value judgements and to look beyond assumptions to the causes and solutions of those that we describe as ‘vulnerable’- that kindly, empathic term which actually covers a multitude and can reduce human beings to ‘either’ ‘or’ generic, inaccurate and misleading categories.
1. Conception: The girls that conceive accidentally are those who are less prepared and therefore less sexually active.  Those who are more sexually active are prepared, use regular contraception or will use the ‘morning after pill’, to ensure that any unprotected incident does not result in pregnancy. The majority of my friends who have teenage and post teenage children are comfortable with the knowledge that their sons and daughters are sexually active, that their offspring will probably change partners several times but trust that they will use contraception to ensure there are no ‘accidents’.
Many mothers (and fathers) will give their son quite young son a condom, to carry in their wallet ‘just in case’.  What message does that give the boy? Why do we not give our girls a condom from an early age too?  Are we only worried about unwanted pregnancy but still not aware enough about STDs (or think that ‘nice’ young people having sex will not transmit disease).
Unfortunately, the boy who carries a condom in his wallet ‘just in case’, will usually be unaware that there is a shelf life for rubber and so, using an elderly condom will probably result in failures.
Conclusion: So: the girl who is NOT having regular sex is more likely to get caught out and the boy who is NOT having regular sex is more likely to have failed contraception.
Boys: Many boys have poor understanding/ knowledge of the facts of life and contraception and make assumptions that ‘every girls is on the pill’ and so the responsibility is on the girl.
Girls: What images of a young pregnant girl do you have? Poor parenting, promiscuous, low ability, out of control, having many partners, high on alcohol and drugs, wild etc. etc. However, this view does not match the facts.  The young woman who falls pregnant is the one who was unprepared, possibly at the beginning of a relationship, she is likely to be inexperienced and spontaneous.  The sexually experienced girl doesn’t leave anything to chance, her behaviour is premeditated and calculated.

2. ‘Keeping ‘it’ or ‘getting rid of it’: This is the common language used by our culture.  There is much talk about the woman’s choice and her right to not become a mother.  There is the safeguard of counselling and the need for 2 doctors to agree that a termination is the ‘healthy’ option for the pregnant female. There are clinics readily available to see women, give them counselling and undertake the procedure. There are no waiting lists at these private clinics- your GP arranges an appointment quickly and days after knowing that you have a positive pregnancy test, you are offered counselling at an abortion clinic.
The girl’s perspective: Let’s take a closer look at the reality.  There can be few more traumatic situations than to find, at a young age that you are expecting a baby.  The first person that you turn to is the father- you have a relationship with this person and you assume that you are in this together.  Hundreds of thoughts cloud your thinking, including clinging on to a romantic notion that you will be a couple with this man and will bring up the baby together, living happily ever after.  You will turn to your close friends and confide in them what has happened. 
The boy’s perspective: He has assumed that all girls were ‘on the pill’. For him, there is no question about ‘keeping it’.  He tells you straight that he wants you to ‘get rid of it’. He tells you that you were not even in a relationship and that you were both drunk.  There is no question in his mind about even the remote possibility that he would consider being a father.  Further discussions result in him accusing the girl of ‘ruining his life’.
The friends:  Tell you how stupid you have been (to have sex? to not be on the pill? This is not ever clear).  They are incredulous.  They sympathise with your situation.  They say that ‘of course you will get rid of it?’ No pressure there then.
The Families: Family 1: are shocked but are instantly concerned about their daughter.  What does she need, what does she want to do, how does she feel?  They will support her, whatever her decision.  Family 2: a girl, not yet 18 with identical pregnancy dates, experiences her mother being so angry that she gives her daughter until her 18th birthday (when she will be 4 months pregnant) to go through Social Services and the Benefits system and find herself a flat.  She is clear that she is throwing her out and offers no financial or emotional support whatsoever.  She adds that the girl is ruining her (the mothers) life.
Decisions: Many girls/ young women, believe that they have baby growing inside them and so the thought of ‘getting rid of it’ is abhorrent.  Unfortunately, it suddenly seems that the rest of the world dismisses this belief as not enough reason to carry on with the pregnancy. There are insurmountable dilemmas as each day passes and the girl can feel the baby but everyone around her talks of ‘getting rid of ‘it’.  She loves the boy and doesn’t want to lose him but is not able to entertain a termination, even if going ahead with the pregnancy means rejection by the man. She feels that she has no choice but to go ahead and have the baby.
9 months to mature:  For a couple who decide to have a child or even those who are in a steady relationship and find they are having a baby ‘accidentally’, there is congratulations, support, joy and planned preparation.
For the girl whose partner has not agreed to ‘keeping it’, there is judgement, panic, despair and loneliness.  Every bus she uses has people looking at her young face and then at her left hand as they check for a ring.  When they find none, she imagines that she sees harsh judgement in their eyes and wonders if they would tell her their thoughts, they might include: ‘another one after a council house’; ‘what a slag’; ‘another child destined for a life of crime and poor parenting’ etc.
Socialising: Any notion of drinking alcohol, smoking or wild dancing are gone.  Most ‘cool’ clothes no longer fit.  Your friendship group are less interested in being in your company as it is difficult to ignore the pregnant bulge and repeated conversations about the situation and the partner.  Some friends ‘side’ with the father and also tell you that you are ‘ruining his life’.
If discussions do take place, they may include accusations like: ‘well you wanted to keep it’.
By now all the relatives and neighbours are aware of the situation.  Everyone has their own opinions on the recklessness, stupidity, selfishness etc. etc. of becoming pregnant and deciding to go through with it.
3. The Pregnancy: is a difficult time of appointments, body changes, arguments, despair, anger, panic, self hatred, fear, loneliness, boredom, shame, loss of self worth and anticipation.
4. Single Motherhood: Once the baby arrives, the focus changes and everyone loves the baby.  You no longer have any attention from people, it is all on your baby. The father has decided to not be involved and yet again, your energy is taken with trying to engage him, for the sake of the child but also, being unable to let go of the romantic notion of living happily ever after as a family.
You adore your baby and are consumed by the 24 hour, round the clock absorption of meeting his needs.  There is no time to think and the continued steep learning curve becomes almost vertical!
You find to your shame and against everything that you were brought up to avoid, you turn to benefits, your own small flat and finishing it, cooking for yourself and paying bills.  None of this was planned, was part of any life plan or was even in your thoughts just 9 months earlier.
Life as a single parent: The anger does not go away.  Your friends disappear to continue their higher education- even the baby’s father finds a university place at aged 24 and goes off to live his planned life.  The anger is hard to deal with.  You discuss it with your health visitor who suggests anti depressants and going on a counselling waiting list but resist ant chemical intervention.
5. Lifestyle:
Fast / processed food:
There is no time to think about cooking nor incentive to make something nutritious for yourself.  The simplest solutions are packaged pizzas, ready meals and the chip shop.
The TV on all day: The days roll by in a monotonous fog of washing, nappy changing, disturbed sleep and cleaning.  You avoid thinking about your situation when everything gets you down by watching the TV.  The silence is hard and so the TV goes on as company.  The talking box in the corner of the room becomes your companion.  You could go out but you aren’t sure what for and the baby will invariably need feeding and changing and you then have to find somewhere to take the baby.  Catching the bus can be problematic as there are limits to how many push chairs and you can be left in the cold until a bus with space comes along.
Baby and Toddler Groups: You try them but find yourself isolated and feeling ‘different to all the other mums.  You are younger than most of them and not wearing a ring.  You feel your singleness and envy all those mothers with supportive partners.
6. Continuing your education:
You had a place at the local college through an interview when you were pregnant.  Two weeks before the course, you receive a letter saying hat government cuts mean that childcare for children under two will no longer be paid.  Childcare for a week at a nursery costs £250 per week.  So you lose your place at college.
You continue to go to the young parents group- until you have your 21st birthday and are told that you are now too old to be in a young parents group so you actually now have nowhere to go on any day of the week.
Employment: You think about getting a job for 16 hours a week.  You complete application forms for local supermarkets as you have shop work experience but you hear nothing and give up.
Domestic Chaos: You love your baby, are a brilliant mother but live in chaos of missing to put out the bins for 7.30 am collection, failing to get washing a) in the machine b) out of the machine c) into the tumble drier d) out of the tumble drier e) back in he draws. The washing up piles up as you just want to sleep when the baby sleeps and catching up on lost sleep becomes a desperate goal.
Summary:
Next time you come across a young single mother, before you condemn her lifestyle and choices, think about why she may find herself where she is.  Unless she can be supported appropriately, her career development and life chances of her child will be limited and they will become the next generation of social services clients.
A Question: Could a change in the attitudes and approach of professionals  to young mothers to be and mothers, who hav ebeen and are going through dramatic life changes and have limited opportunities, help to positively change the life chances for her and her child?
Can we as professionals dealing with mother or child, find ways to be part of the solution? I believe that we can.