Dear Jeremy

Over the last year I have been privileged to snipe on the sidelines and be critical of your mission to take the Party in a new direction. I did this with the backing of my Daddy, who thinks you are crap, and my Mammy, who told me your silly beard and hat did not a revolutionary make.

I am a 46 years old man, married with two children and ask for people to judge me on that, not by my name. But the time has come (Daddy told me) to now make a stand.

So, Jeremy, I have to tell you that although you are a great campaigner, you are no leader (that's right, Dad, he's sh*te, ain't he?). We need at the table someone who understands the EU and can speak European languages, and is clean shaven; someone who is used to Continental breakfast and drinking fine wine at every meal. I have just the person in mind.

As my old school friend Oliver Cromwell once said in my Politics Class - In the name of God, go!

Happy retirement

Stephen

P.S. If you're looking for someone to make a TV documentary about your rise and fall, my sister Rachel has offered to help.