The literary output of the Neath MP, Peter Hain, is phenomenal with some twenty-two books now having been published. He shows no sign of easing up. In fact he may be speeding up, with two books already published in 2015 (Back to the Future of Socialism and The Hain Diaries: 1998-2007).
Just Stan has landed an exclusive today. It is a synopsis of the next books the Neath MP apparently has in the pipeline. I am delighted to give you a taste of what could be rolling off the press.
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Peter Hain - the First Year
Nairobi is where this book starts its journey, when Peter was born in February 1950. About a year later the family emigrated to South Africa to give young Peter a better chance in life. It was obvious he was never going to get in the school cross country team and would stand out all his schooldays because his name did not start with the letter "K" and he wore a pair of shoes. A must read for those who are nostalgic about those Old Colonial days.
It Ain't Half Hot Mum
Peter recalls his childhood in the suburbs of Pretoria in his beloved, sunny South Africa, and how nice the weather was compared to cold, wet Wales. (Editor's Note: Especially the poxy Neath Valley).
It Ain't Half Hot Pete
Peter takes a wistful look at life in his lovely home in Aberdulais when he was still the Neath MP. The book contains helpful hints on how to increase your electricity and heating bills and how to give your Aga a caning. Follow this book's advice and you will soon be eating out at those Neath foodbanks and stealing clothes off people's washing lines.
Cold Comfort Barn (or Turn the Heating Up, Liz - I'm Bloody Freezing!)
What a wake up call for the Hains. A no-holds-barred look at life in their Aberdulais home after being an MP. Will the Hains be able to survive a typical winter in the wild and untamed Neath Valley? How will Peter cope with not being able to see himself on TV - which may have to go now they have to pay for their own licence. Will they be able to afford Council Tax which they'll have to pay themselves now as well? And is there really "something nasty in the woodshed"? (see below) Unmissable drama.
Peter Hain's Diaries 2015-2020
Peter writes about his time in the House of Lords, with the plain truth about what life is really like in the waxworks museum. How far does £300 a day go in the Lords? Do they really drink as much champagne as it says in the Daily Mirror? Does it actually smell like an old people's home? Is it true that the Kinnocks have a mobile home in there? This will be a bestseller. Pre-order now for generous discounts. (Editor's Note: Hang on a minute. Has this one slipped through the net? It hasn't happened yet, or have I fallen asleep for five years?)
How to run an EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP CAMPAIGN
NEVER AGAIN FAIL in a bid to lead a political party. No need for YOU to learn the HARD way. Peter will show you WHO to put your TRUST in, the BEST people to tap up for financial backing and how NOT to fall foul of all those SILLY Electoral Commission rules. (Editor's Note: Why are some of these words in CAPITALS? Is it to ATTRACT the sort of person that would actually be interested in this KIND OF BALONEY?)
Opportunities in Africa
The Dark Continent offers huge opportunities for UK entrepreneurs. Peter will explain which African countries are probably the safest for your investments and where to get in first before the Chinese and Russians stick their noses in. A must for those looking to put their energies (and money) into something slightly different. Especially for those interested in precious metals.
People I never met in Tesco
Peter writes about well known figures he has never seen in his local Tesco store, including Attila the Hun, Joseph Merrick, Osama Bin Laden,The Invisible Man and Katherine Jenkins. Peter will startlingly reveal that it's pointless saying sorry on Twitter that you missed them because most of them shy away from social media and therefore don't use it.
A Guide to the Repair of Garden Outbuildings
No-one who has ever had a leaky roof on their woodshed should miss this useful book from Peter, wherein he explodes the Tory myth that Labour MPs don't fix the roof when the sun is shining. (Editor's Note: Actually they don't, they get someone else in to do it and claim it on expenses but let's not split hairs here). Also, the "nasty things" in Peter's woodshed turn out to be the humble field mouse.
The Concise Book of Nelson Mandela Anagrams
Every possible permutation and combination of words you can make from the great man's name is contained here. Guaranteed to be of interest to Scrabble players and those looking to impress at those London dinner parties. Includes words like LEMONS, MELONS, DANDELEONS (Editor's Note: are you sure that's the right spelling?)
Why I love the Severn Barrage
Peter's cornucopia of facts and figures about the Eighth Wonder of the World. Did you know the turbines will never ever need maintenance, being self-lubricating with salmon oil? That the average Welshman (in South Wales anyway) will reach seven feet in height due to the increase in living standards that will come (to Cardiff and Newport). Longevity in Wales will soon exceed Old Testament figures and names like Moses, Noah and Methuselah will become increasingly popular. Wales will become such a desirable place to live that house prices will even go up in Merthyr Tydfil. Wader birds on the Severn estuary will grow huge, with legs and beaks of 2 metres to be able to forage in deeper water. And Eastern Europeans will flock here as they'll then make a much bigger meal. One other little known bonus: unlike the two existing Bridges across the Severn, no Big Bad Trolls will be able to live beneath the Barrage. In fact, nothing will be able to live anywhere near it. If you want to put those doom merchants about the Barrage in their place, this is a must read. (Editor's Note: sounds slightly exaggerated to me. Don't you think seven feet is pushing it a bit?)
Party Ideas for Two
Did you know that even though they were invited, none of Peter's Cabinet colleagues except David Blunkett turned up at his London celebration at the time of his second marriage? In case your works colleagues are as unsociable and it ever happens to you, this book contains invaluable advice about conversation topics for two, what to do with leftover party food, games you can play and what places in London will let you in with a dog. Available in Braille.
Homeopathy (is) for Dummies
An idiot's guide to arnica and snakeoil. Enough said.
The Decline of the Drinking Classes
Peter takes a nostalgic look at those olden days when people went out to Resolven RFC on a Saturday night instead of watching Strictly Come Dancing; when men were men (or they made out they were), and women knew their place; when the evening was spent with the men getting rat-arsed and the women having a round or two of Bingo; when disputes could be settled by a good punch up outside while the husbands held their wives' coats; and the rozzers didn't arrest your Mrs in the morning. (Editor's Note: God, I miss those times!)
Travels with a Donkey
Peter recalls his time in the Labour Party and all the places it took him while he rode on its back. (Editor's Note: Does the donkey die in the end because I don't like sad stories?)
How to spot an Undercover Police Officer
Apparently you can't if they are doing their job properly. And Peter didn't. That's it in a nutshell.
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Stan has been told that all of the above may be available in quality bookshops from today's date, 1st April, 2015. Happy reading.
