Those of you who have followed my writings this year will know it all started as a result of me becoming aware of Peter Hain's exorbitant claims for heating his home. Since that discovery a lot of water has flowed under the bridge and many more unpalatable facts about Hain's expenses claims have come into my possession. Many, but I stress not all, of these have been published via my articles, and by others on the Readers Letters pages of the Neath Ferret. I hope to publish the remaining facts I have held on to in some future article.
We know Peter Hain will no longer be our MP as of May 2015. I have made it perfectly clear that I shall be glad to see the back of him. Replacing him as our MP will probably be Christina Rees, the Labour candidate for the General Election, and I sincerely hope that certain aspects of her expenses claims are more modest than her predecessor - and more transparent. Time will tell.
All that remains now is for me to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
My last column of this year has a seasonal ring to it but a clear message too for those who read it. I make no apologies for it repeating a theme I have often returned to.
--------------------------------------------
LETTER FROM STAN TO FATHER CHRISTMAS
Dear Santa
I know I haven't written to you for decades but I hope you will be able to help me out. You see, in 2010, the Gnomes we had placed in charge of our Christmas Savings Club were kicked out when we found out they were nothing but a bunch of incompetents. When we checked the accounts there was nothing left, not a penny. In fact, they had put the Savings Club in hock and we were up to our necks in debt.
A new Committee of Gnomes was appointed. They promised tough times ahead but if we followed their Savings Plan we'd eventually be out of debt and could again afford to buy mince pies from Marks and Spencer at Christmas. Four years on we realise that they were no better than the last lot. The lot of them have proved to be a bunch of self-serving, useless shysters.
We are now penniless in the Stan household and don't know where to turn next. I know it's asking a lot, especially when I haven't written to you all of these years, but please can you bring/give me the following for Christmas:
A TV licence
A Sky broadband and TV package
Pay my electric bills
Pay my water rates
Pay my council tax
Pay my phone bills
Pay my heating bills
Pay my mortgage interest
Pay my home insurance
Pay for a home security system for me
Pay towards my food bill
Pay someone to insulate my loft (as it's so cold in our house)
Pay someone to clean the house inside
Pay someone to clean the windows
Pay someone to cut down the garden trees
Pay someone to clean out my blocked gutters
Pay someone to repair my roof
Buy me an integrated dishwasher
Buy me a fridge-freezer
Pay for an annual breakdown insurance for all my appliances
I appreciate that's one "logshed" full of paying and buying I'm asking you for. But I know you can do this, Santa, because one of the Gnomes that worked for the last bunch of tw*ts lives just up the road - and you brought him all those goodies in the past.
I'll put out a glass of sherry and a mince pie for you on Christmas Eve (Lidl's, not M and S, I'm afraid), and I've even been able to salvage a carrot for Rudolph, despite those gluttonous Donkeys in the Sanctuary in Cardiff trying to corner the market in them.
Please don't let me down.
Yours in anticipation
Stan
.........................................
REPLY FROM FATHER CHRISTMAS TO STAN
Dear Stan
It's good to hear from you even after all these years.
I'm afraid I can't bring you the presents you asked for this year as they are no longer available from my Christmas Catalogue. What happened was that some of the Gnomes who were getting these gifts were very naughty and ordered things that they really shouldn't have. Most of them were overfilling their stockings to be quite honest. But some were so greedy that when found out, well, they even had to spend time on the naughty step. In the end I decided that some of these goodies would have to discontinued from Santa's Catalogue and so Christmas is not as bright for them as it used to be. Now, they have to make do with just a few things less - though it will never be as little as the rest of you Children will get.
I'll do my best for you though and am wondering if the following would help:
a pair of rubber gloves
washing up liquid
a brush and pan
three dusters
a bottle of Windowlene
an NPT bag for your green waste
a 3x2 piece of 1" polystyrene for you to insulate your loft door
an application form to British Gas for a domestic appliance insurance agreement
a glossy Sky TV leaflet to rub in just what you are missing
I've also got a couple of second-hand mousetraps I can drop in for you if they are of any use, and if you like reading, one or two books with a South African flavour. I'll be picking them up on Christmas Eve before I get to your place.
Sorry I can't do more but times are hard.
All the best
Santa
PS - don't leave me that Lidl's "own brand" sherry. It's cr*p. Have you any Harvey's still in the cupboard?
PPS - Rudolph doesn't want to seem ungrateful, but Lidl do a nice line in organic Carrots.
--------------------------------------------
