Stan 18
JOB OPPORTUNITIES 2015 - LONG ESTABLISHED COMPANY
SEEKING HUNDREDS OF NEW WORKERS
Are you at least 18 years old and a British citizen, or a citizen of a Commonwealth country with indefinite leave to stay in the UK? If so read on*.
There will be excellent job opportunities arising next year throughout the country. In Wales we shall be recruiting 40 members of staff, but total staff recruitment will be 650 throughout the UK.
Provided you have met the criteria above there are no further mandatory requirements. You don't even need one GCSE.
These jobs will be highly sought after. They command a very attractive salary of about two and a half times the average wage. Be recruited in the right part of the country and you will likely be in post until you choose to retire. On top of this there are major additional benefits, comprising an extremely generous allowances and expenses scheme. There is also an excellent pension scheme - while other schemes have withered on the vine we have ensured that we have looked after ours. There is a works canteen (including restaurants and bars) where food and drink is heavily subsidised. You will likely have the opportunity of foreign travel. Another attraction is that shortly after your appointment in 2015 the salary scale is to be reviewed with a possible 11% payrise in the offing. And once you are appointed you can behave disgracefully but you'll still hold onto your job for at least five years - just ensure that whatever you do you are not sent to jail for more than 12 months. What more could you want?
The following may assist you in getting a job with us:
The ability never to give an unequivocal answer to a question put to you.
If you have a relative, preferably a close one, either presently working for the Company or employed by the Company in the past, then this will be a distinct advantage.
Any previous job experience in the real world will be a handicap. We prefer to take people who have gone straight from University to working as researchers for Political Parties or Trade Unions. If you can show previous political activity at University by membership or even better, presidency of a Students' Union, this will get you a long way.
If you apply via one particular application route, for some of the posts you will be debarred from competing if you are a man. Come in via this route and these positions are reserved for women. We have not yet fully formulated our policy should a transsexual seek these positions.
Applications from ethnic minorities are encouraged. If you are from such a group you've got a great chance of selection. If you can offer a disability and are lesbian/gay as well - you will be a shoe-in.
Canvassing existing members of staff is expected. No-one has ever worked here without currying favour with the existing workforce and its back-up staff. The more you can suck up to the people who run the Company or are associated with it, the better your prospects.
It will be better for your long term mental health if you have little empathy with the people you will represent. You should have a selfish, narcissistic personality to really get on, and preferably an unquestioning allegiance to your fellow colleagues, no matter which department in the Company they represent. Because it is vitally important that those in the Company look out for their own. The Company has survived many trials and tribulations in the past, but is as strong as ever thanks to this collegiate bond.
Once you join our team your individual future success depends on having the skin of a rhinoceros, the slipperiness of an eel, the slyness of a fox, the vanity of a peacock and the greediness of a pig. Possess all of these attributes and you may become a Secretary of State, even higher. The world could be your oyster.
Good luck!
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On 7 May 2015 the UK will hold a General Election. For many it feels like a choice between the Devil and the deep blue sea - at the end of the day it ain't gonna make any difference. God help us!
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*If you're a civil servant, an undischarged bankrupt, a member of the clergy, police or armed forces, a prisoner serving more than a year in jail, or if you've been found guilty of certain electoral offences - you're not eligible.
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