25 : Constructive Conflict :  Part 1 of 3 - Understanding Conflict

What is your relationship to conflict? In my experience – as a trainer, team facilitator and coach – the majority of people dislike, even actively fear, conflict. A very common statement prior to a team development event is “We don’t want to open any cans of worms”. Which of course implies that there are ‘worms’. 

However :
“It is the things left unsaid in groups that are the most important in terms of change.
The risk is perceived as too great.
Change is made possible through risking conflict and working
through it”.

This willingness to ‘risk and work through conflict’ in order to create change is what makes it possible for conflict to be constructive rather than destructive, whether in a group/team situation or in our personal 1-1 relationships.

We fear things will get worse if conflict is openly addressed. They usually get worse if it isn’t. However, it is also true that they often get worse if it is. To work through conflict in a way that heals relationships rather than destroying them requires both self-management and communication skills. This is true whether we are one of the ‘parties’ in the conflict situation or a manager being asked to sort out conflict within their team.

Conflict is part and parcel of most relationships. It does not mean that there is ‘something wrong’ with the relationship. No matter what the type of relationship, people within it are looking to each other to help them satisfy their needs. For a multitude of reasons (including conflicting needs between two or more people), this is sometimes not possible or, even if it is, doesn't happen. In a work setting, when factors such as deadlines and workload increase stress and reduce the time available for communication, difficulties are compounded.

This is Part 1 of three linked Articles on Constructive Conflict. 

26 : Constructive Conflict-Part 2 : Managing Yourself in Conflict

27 : Constructive Conflict-Part 3 : Communication Skills for Working with Conflict

Constructive Conflict-Part 1 : Understanding Conflict

When people talk to me about a conflict situation that they are involved in, they frequently present the problem as being due to a ‘personality clash’ with the other person or to the other person’s 'unreasonable behaviour'. However, this is rarely the start of the ‘conflict loop’.

I have already suggested that much conflict is a result of 'unmet needs'.
Sometimes these needs are ‘practical’.
For example, at work we need clarity about our role and objectives. In our personal life, we need people who provide us with a service (doctors, dentists, solicitors, garages, internet providers and many others) to be professional and competent. 
When these practical needs are not met they tend to trigger any of a whole range of ‘emotional’ needs.

Examples of emotional needs : 

• Power related, deriving from a need to be in control and able to influence others.
• Approval related, deriving from the need for affection, to be liked.
• Inclusion related, deriving from the need to be accepted into a social, or work, group.
• Justice related, deriving from the need to be treated fairly, equally and equitably.
• Identity related, deriving from the need for autonomy, self-esteem, positive self-image, self determination and affirmation of personal values.

Activity 1
The theory of constructive conflict management will be most useful if you can relate it to your own situation. The following activity will help you with this :

1. Write down the names of up to five people that you are 'in relationship' with - either in your personal or work life eg your partner, a parent, a friend, your manager/boss, a colleague, a child, a sibling.
2. Then, for each, make a list of what, ideally, you ‘need’ from them in order to feel happy, satisfied, comfortable with the relationship. These needs could be practical and/or emotional.
3. Finally, beside each need, indicate on a scale of 0-10 the extent to which you feel that need is met (10 is fully, 0 is not at all).

If emotional needs are not being met it is only a small step to feeling unsupported and, as a result, for feelings such as anger, fear, distrust, defensiveness and resentment to develop.  You may even feel, depending upon the nature of the particular relationship, that you have a ‘right’ to expect your needs to be met. Or were led to expect that they would be. (A major cause of unhappiness in when there is a gap between our expectations and our experience). All that is then required to tilt the situation into one of conflict is an event, remark or circumstance that is perceived by the 'unsupported' person as an indication that the other is unconcerned, hostile or annoyed.

This perception may be accurate or inaccurate. However, we behave and respond according to how we interpret others' behaviour, which may be very different from their intention. And once we start to mistrust someone's motives and their feelings towards us, and thus the intention behind their behaviour, we start to gather additional evidence to confirm our perception. From this point on, we interpret anything they say or do through the ‘lens’ of our perception.

Activity 2.

1. Look at Activity 1.
2. Make a new list of any needs that you perceive as not being met (a score of under 5 say) and the person that you perceive as not meeting it.
3. In each case, write down your perception of why they are not meeting your need. You may find that in relation to ‘practical’ needs your perceptions are ‘adult’ and ‘reasonable’, but in relation to emotional needs perhaps less so? Be as honest as you can be.

The Conflict Loop.
The following ‘Conflict Loop’ model summarises some of the above and shows how conflict can escalate.

Stage 1: The 'triggering event' - person A says or does something
Stage 2: Perception of hostile intent - person B perceives the triggering event as being an expression of hostility towards themself
Stage 3: Defensive anger - felt by B. The natural and automatic emotional response when someone perceives themselves as being under attack
Stage 4: Counter-attack - person B's defensive anger generates an aggressive response towards person A. This is perceived by person B to be a self-defensive measure
Stage 5: Repetition - person B's counter-attack is perceived by person A as an unprovoked 'triggering event'. This then creates an endless loop from which there is no natural escape. Neither participant knows how to stop the cycle without appearing to accept 'defeat'.

Symptoms of a Conflict Loop include :

• Repeated arguments about the same issue, perhaps spread over days or weeks.
• Arguing over an increasing number of issues.
• Feeling less co-operative towards the other person.
• Feeling less trusting of the other person's honest goodwill towards us.
• Remaining angry at the other for longer and longer periods, perhaps hours or days.
• Beginning to question, privately, the value of the relationship.

Once a conflict loop has got ‘rolling’ a number of 'illusions' come into play.

The Win-Lose Illusion. “Our needs are fundamentally incompatible, only one of us can 'win''.

The Bad Person Illusion. “Our conflict is a direct result of your incompetence, stupidity or other defect and   can only be resolved if you recognise and correct your defects”.(ie personality clash) This allows participants to absolve themselves from any responsibility for  contributing to the problem. However, this illusion is almost always reciprocal ie  both parties believe it of the other. 'Difference' has been defined as 'badness'.  When our behaviour is 'bad' we insist that it is atypical, that we have been  provoked, whereas the same behaviour in another is seen as revealing deep  flaws in their 'personality'.

The Boulder in the Road Illusion.“Our differences are irreconcilable, agreement is impossible”.

As a result of these illusions, people usually respond in one of two ways :
1) Flight ie withdrawal, or
2) Fight ie exercising force or threat in order to 'overwhelm' the other

These are both emotional responses and when people are feeling scared or angry it is difficult to find a solution to the problem that triggered the conflict in the first place. The next newsletter will look at how you manage your emotional responses.

(The above model is based on material in 'Talk it Out' by Daniel Dana, Pub Kogan Page 1990)

Part 2 will be coming soon and will help you to understand how you, personally, relate to and engage with conflict and how to manage yourself in order to be in the best state, mentally and emotionally,  to use the skills that will be covered in Part 3.

Activity 3.
Things to experiment with between now and then :

1. Think about people you are, or have been, in conflict with.Do you have any of the above ‘illusions’ in relation to them?
2. Ask yourself, what need of mine is not being met that is causing me to feel the way I do? Does it relate to Power, Approval, Inclusion, Justice or Identity?
3. Ask yourself, what need of theirs may not be being met by me that could be causing them to behave the way that they are?  Might it relate to Power, Approval, Inclusion, Justice or Identity? Finally, what could you do that might help you both/all get out of the ‘conflict loop’?

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