27 : Constructive Conflict-Part 3 : Communication Skills
1) Constructive Conflict – Part 3 : Communication Skills
2) New Directions – for the coach and these emails/articles
1) Constructive Conflict – Part 3 : Communication Skills
At the end of Part 1 of this series of three Newsletters we looked at the ‘Illusions’ of conflict and how people usually respond to them in one of two ways :
i) Flight ie withdrawal, or
ii) Fight ie exercising force or threat in order to 'overwhelm' the other –
and ‘win’
Neither is effective.
What is needed is an attitude shift - an acceptance of the possibility that a 'both-gain' solution exists. This requires a shift away from 'you-against-me' to 'us-against-the-problem'.
The main vehicle for achieving this shift is a commitment to continue talking about the issues, without interruption, for as long as is necessary to reach a 'breakthrough'". A 'breakthrough' is when something shifts - when suddenly there seems to be the possibility of moving forwards.
The main groundrules for the participants in this process are :
i) I will not withdraw from communication
ii) I will not use 'power plays' to win eg using threats, ultimatums etc
iii) I will avoid behaviours which are not useful eg
- talking about irrelevant subjects
- talking as if the solution to the problem lies 'out there', with other
people
- telling jokes or using inappropriate humour- giving up, expressing
hopelessness
- retreating into silence
Participants must expect to feel uncomfortable during this process. The other person may criticise and blame, make statements that are felt to be unfair or factually incorrect and repeat old arguments that have been 'triggering events' in the past. This may well be a necessary stage in the process.
The possibility of a breakthrough is greatly increased by either person making 'conciliatory gestures'. These could include :
- apologising- expressing regret for one's past behaviour
- conceding on a contested issue- offering a compromise
- expressing empathy for the other person's problems
- recognising the legitimacy of the other's point of view
- revealing one's own underlying needs and emotional issues
- disclosing one's thoughts, feelings, motives and past history as
they pertain to the conflict
- asking for honest feedback
- expressing positive feelings for the other such as affection,
admiration or respect
- accepting personal responsibility for part of the problem
- initiating the search for both-gain solutions
When someone makes a conciliatory gesture, they render themselves vulnerable. It is vital that the other person acknowledges the gesture and does not use it as an opportunity to score points.
(The above content is based on 'Talk it Out' by Daniel Dana, Pub Kogan Page 1990)
However, the above approach can only be used if both ‘parties’ acknowledge that there is a conflict and are willing to sit down and address it in a constructive way. This is often not the case! In these circumstances you need skills that you can use, irrespective of what the other person is doing, which can gradually defuse and resolve the situation. These are not just behavioural skills but also attitudinal ones eg a willingness to listen to the other person’s point of view and perception of the situation (even when you are sure they are wrong, being unreasonable etc), making an effort to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and communicating in ways which do not escalate the conflict.
There are two areas to consider :
- Where you need to communicate something to the other person which they may experience as a criticism, find difficult to hear and therefore become defensive and counter-attack
- Where you need to respond to something the other person has said in a way that does not escalate the conflict
The most powerful tool in the former case is Assertive Scripting. As a trainer I often feel people are looking for a ‘magic wand’ and hoping I have one. Assertive Scripting is the nearest thing to one! You can download the Handout from here.
In the second case, it is important to use language that dampens, rather than throws fuel onto, the flames. Rather than immediately responding reactively, use listening skills to summarise constructively. You can download a Handout from here.
Once you have done the exercise, you can see my suggestions here.
But perhaps the most important ‘skill’ of all is a desire to find a solution rather than having a desire to ‘win’ or to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong.
2) New Directions
a) New directions for me
Due to technical problems transferring my email programme across from my PC to my laptop, some of you did not get my previous email re change in contact details. So here is a summary of the relevant parts:
"This email is to let you know that, for at least the next 4 months, I do not have a permanent landline number and can only be contacted via email or on my mobile phone - 07979 803173. (However, I will usually have access to a landline for coaching calls). This is because until the autumn, when I am moving back to the Highlands to help my daughter with her business I will be based in my camper van (or house-sitting or on retreat or staying with friends etc). Almost two years ago, when I moved to Devon I sent an article called "What is Security". Evidently it is a little Romahome campervan!”
As a coach, who I am and how I live my life is very relevant to my work. The perspectives and skills of coaching influence me. Everything I have done and learnt in my life, in addition to the specific training I have received, feeds into my coaching.
So, although I am never sure how much personal information it is appropriate to give in these emails, I thought I would give a brief update.
I’m now 63 and as far as my training/coaching practice is concerned I regard myself as ‘semi-retired’ – which really means that I no longer actively market my services because that’s always been the part I don’t enjoy. (I hope, however, that I will have clients – from referrals etc – for many years to come). This means I don’t earn enough money to live on! However, my life choices have never been made according to criteria of ‘financial security’ and when the capital from selling my house runs out there will be my state pension (building up a nice lump sum at the moment). I may also find a role in my daughter’s business although at the moment I am ‘volunteering’. By the time I would need to live only on a basic state pension (age 71?) I’m sure something will have turned up. If it hasn’t my plan is to write a book called “Nothing Turned Up” which will of course be a best-seller!
You will gather from this that I have never been a ‘rich and famous’ consultant/coach (not even got a private pension plan!). But I have never tried to be. I have been very true to my values in my life – learning and facilitating others’ learning, exploration, change, making a difference and kindness among others. I feel I have had a wonderful and interesting life most of the time and I don’t regret the choices I have made.
None of this means that I believe the way I live is right for everyone. But I do believe that a life where decisions are made based on fear is unlikely ultimately to be fulfilling and satisfying.
This is an extract from a David Whyte :
"You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong
..... anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."
If you feel free and alive you are almost certainly living in alignment with your values.
If you don’t feel that way, you almost certainly are not.
So, in the month since I became ‘homeless’ I have had a wonderful 10 days camping on Exmoor by a lake and am now coming to the end of house-sitting in Glastonbury which includes walking a dog and feeding chickens. I have a couple more of my 2 year ‘Committed Dharma Practitioners Programme’ modules (Dharma = teachings of the Buddha – but, on my course, stripped of all the accumulated ‘religious' additions of the last 2,400 years) over the summer (in Devon) plus 6 weeks in Forres (Moray) helping Debs with her holidays. Then in September I will be looking for somewhere to rent near Forres/Findhorn. Debs has taken an office by the Findhorn Marina behind the café so do pop in and say hello if you find yourself there. In 1989 I sold a house in Bristol, bought a house in Findhorn, sold the house in Findhorn and moved back to Bristol - all within 5 months (other fairly major things happened too!). So it feels strange to be going back – but I visualize myself stepping out of the office and sitting outside of the café watching the boats and the seals and it feels very exciting.
b) New directions for these Article emails.
I have always struggled a bit with the fact that coaching is a 2-way process, led by the client, whereas these ‘coaching’ articles are a 1-way process directed by me. I have tried to incorporate some interactivity by suggesting things to do but I know how hard it can be to do personal development work on one’s own (which is why many people read one self-help book after another whereas if they actually put into practice the exercises in just one of them they probably wouldn’t ever need to read another one!).
My articles have been long compared to those sent out by many coaches and I am also aware that recent ones have been more ‘training’ than coaching. I feel I have covered the ground as well as I can via ‘1-way’ coaching and am in danger of starting to repeat myself (if I haven’t already). So you may notice a change in the Articles – perhaps more signposting to other resources, sharing of things I read/do that I find inspirational etc – and also passing on some of the wisdom and stories from my Dharma Studies course. I think the Buddha was probably the best psychologist there has ever been.
Here’s one to start with.
One of the most powerful images in the teachings of the Buddha – the image of the ‘two arrows’ - helps us to clarify the distinction between pain and suffering and highlights how, when we experience pain, we also often create additional and unnecessary suffering for ourselves. We can imagine, the Buddha says, that when we experience pain, it is as if we were shot by an arrow. Each of us is sometimes shot by this arrow of pain. To be human is to be vulnerable to pain and at times to be in pain. When we have unpleasant or painful physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts we react. With physical pain, we tend to tense and contract around the pain, as if this will somehow ease it. Some doctors say that perhaps 80 percent of what patients experience as physical pain is not the result of the original stimulus bur rather ongoing resistance to this stimulus.Similarly, when there is emotional pain (think of the pain that may follow from a perceived slight by a colleague or the break-up of a close relationship) we generate a huge amount of internal (and external) dialogue about it. The unfairness, what is wrong with us, how we will never find another relationship/person as good as that one etc etc etc. This all generates additional emotional, and sometimes physical, pain – anger, frustration, judgement of self and the other, fear etc. And then we may try to deal with all this using coping strategies that can lead to even more distress in the long run – overeating, alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex etc. So suffering, as opposed to pain, can be seen in large part as a kind of resistance or reaction to the initial pain.
And this, according to the Buddha, is equivalent to being shot by a second arrow. One that we shoot ourselves – at ourselves. Thus, he said, our task is not to rid ourselves of all pain ie to think we can avoid being shot by the first arrow. Rather, we work at learning not to shoot this second arrow.
c) New Subscribers?
Finally, because I am no longer actively marketing, going to ‘networking’ events etc I am no longer adding many new subscribers to the database and have recently lost a lot due, I think, to changes in NHS and other organizational email addresses. So if you know anyone you think might enjoy the Articles perhaps you could point them to the website and they could look at the previous ones and see if they would like to join up.
It may be some months before the next Article (not for the first time you may say!) – but there will definitely be one.
Today I leave here so now I am off to pack my van with my ‘library’, my ‘music centre’, my ‘office’, my ‘pantry’ and my ‘wardrobe’ - and my folding bike. eReaders and iPlayers and iPhones are wonderful things – and its amazing what you can get in a Romahome!
Hope you all have a great summer.
Warm Wishes
Lynda
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