HELP THROUGH A JOURNEY.
A journey that one of each loving couple will, one day, have to undertake.
Is this a travel book? Well, in a way it is, but not the travel book that you may expect, it is a part of the journey of life. It is the part that you may be the one to travel alone after the loss of a loved one, a husband or wife, that someone who has been "there" for you. That someone that for many years you could turn to in times of sadness, in times of stress, someone that you could rely on to listen to your worries and give you support, advice and help.
It is a journey that one of each loving couple must eventually travel at a time when grief has settled on your mind and body, a journey that we are not prepared for.
Can we prepare for our loss of a loved one? I believe that we can and should. Not the preparation that means we should dwell on the subject, to become depressed about it, depression could be the road to many more problems, but to be aware that your actions and feelings after your loss that make you see a you that you never recognise as you, an alien you, are the same or similar feelings and actions of all that must travel this journey.
You will be alone but you will not be a lone traveller
Does that sound a bit scary? Well, it can be scary. Why is it scary? Only because you have never travelled this journey before. Does it have to be scary? Not if you are a little prepared and remember the message that is in this website.
Immediately following the loss of a loved one there will be much to do and there is plenty of advice for the procedures that are neccessary, you will probably have some help with these tasks and find your days taken up with the arrangements that must be made up to the day of the funeral, for those that would like this information now there is a UK Government website at
"Government, citizens and rights, voting, honours, births, deaths"
Click on, "Death and bereavement"
There will still be much to do in the days following the funeral that will keep you busy.
NOW YOU ARE ALONE.
THE START OF YOUR JOURNEY
The problems usually begin a short while after the funeral, that support that you had received from so many folk following your loss will become much less, at first you are pleased to be alone with your thoughts and this has been confirmed by the several folk that I have spoked to who have found themselves in the same circumstances.
In many cases, you begin to find that you can not settle to anything. You watch the television and realise that you have no idea of what you have watched, you start to read a book and after half a dozen page have no idea of what you have read. This is very normal and you can expect this to happen.
You walk the house, going in to every room, you stand at the doorway and search with your eyes, it is just as you expect it to be, empty, but that is not what you hoped for, you hoped to find that lost loved one in that room. You realise that will never be the case again but you continue to look in to each of the rooms. This is just another result of your loss, again, it is very normal.
You are not hungry but you know that you should eat something, you prepare that meal and after one mouthful the rest goes in the bin.
Let me assure you that this is similar to the way many others are and quite a normal reaction to a loss.
One of your symptoms is probably feelings of guilt. Yet another symptom that comes with bereavment. You are almost certainly, guilty of nothing. That does not stop the feeling, Did I do the right things? Could I have done more? Did I say the right things? Why wasn't it me?"
Jealousy is waiting just around the corner, you have never been jealous in your life but it is very normal at this time, its enough to look out of the window and see your neighbour and his wife walking by, chatting to one another, and you are jealous of them. In my case I was at the supermarket, my basket, yes, a basket is all I need now, with bread and milk, I look around and see the couples doing their shopping, I drop my basket and run out of the shop. Your jealous, dont be ashamed, it happens and you are normal, just another symptom of grieving.
Friends and family care, "We are going to the karaoke tonight, come along with us". You go, and things are not the same, they all try their hardest to involve you in the conversation, they do their best, but you know that you are on your own, and you know that you are going home to an empty house. You decide, you will not do this again.
You start to think that there is no future. Suicidal thoughts, it might be the best thing to do. Don't worry, its normal, and its just another part of bereavment. You have just forgotten for a while the grief that you will be giving to your Sons, Daughters, Grand children, and the other people out there that do care about you. And when you do think about it you feel selfish. It is that mind playing up again.
By now you are in a mess. You have lost weight, you are not sleeping, possibly, even personal hygiene is slipping, you are sick, and need help.
These and other feelings are normal, they are the same or similar to everyone else, but we do not think about this period untill it eventually occurs. Peace of mind with the knowledge of what to expect should be made readily available to everyone long before they happen.
Will you help by spreading the word throughout the world?
Please send the link to this website to all of your E-Mail addresses.
I know that if we can only get this information to even a small number of folk they will be prepared and hopefully understand that they must seek help to avoid that deep depression that may be waiting just around the corner.
The lyric of a popular song read, "Regret's, I've had a few, but, then again, too few to mention", that is about right for most folk, none of us can go through a life without a few regrets. Of course, the song title is "My Way", and we all do things, "our way", and in a loving relationship we understand that our partner has His/Her way, and we learn to do it "our way, together".
The lesson here is to those that are still in that loving relationship and by giving a little thought to the things that you do and say now matter a great deal. Don't leave anything that you wish to say go unsaid because one day, for one of you, it will be too late to have regrets.
If that "regret" is after the loss of a loved one, I can tell you, it's normal and you are normal to have these thoughts. After the loss of a loved one you will probably find that you are having regrets more often, the truth is that you probably do not have as much, if anything, to regret as you think that you do.
Bereavement and grieving put us in a place where the mind magnifies our thoughts, enlarges that that was probably minor at the time, and that is only if the "regret" that you are considering is one that your lost loved one remarked upon at that time. He/She is no longer here to ask.
Yes, there probably was something that you meant to say at the time, something that you didn't say and, in your mind, probably should have. Something you wish that you had done, or hadn't done, the list is endless and obvious to you now. I'm sorry, it's too late.
But, give your "regret" a bit more thought. You, possibly knew that loved one better than anyone else in the world and He/She likewise, knew you. You had fallen in love, made a life together, understood each other, shared, and probably had the odd disagreement, the two of you were as one. I feel certain that had anything occurred that you may now be feeling you regret, He/She would have made that clear at the time, so, Why have that regret now?
There is no secret to the answer of losing someone, the problem is that the answer is the secret. And the answer is only secret, because we have never needed to ask the question up until now. The loss of a loved one, even if you knew it was coming, causes grief and pain, and there is no answer to the feelings that you have, you must, and you will want to, live with these for a while, and the grief and feelings fade into the back of your mind.
It is at this point when the feelings that you now have are starting. Many, many little things, that without you realising, are building up within yourself.
Feelings of guilt and your probably have nothing to be guilty about. Feelings of blame, and you probably have nothing to blame yourself for, and believe me, we all have these feelings. Then there are words, words that you wish that you had said, words that you wish that you had not said, things that you wish you had and had not done. Each of these things are 'nagging' away at you.
THESE FEELINGS ARE ABSOLUTELY NORMA
You will come across thousands of websites selling the drugs that you have read about or heard about, those items sold on these sites are at the very least, fake and useless, and are in many cases dangerous. It is important for you to be well informed about medications you may need. You should know what medications you take and the dosage, and learn everything you can about them. Many medications now come with patient package inserts, describing the medication, how it should be taken, and side effects to look for.
When you go to a new doctor, always take with you a list of all of the prescribed medications (including dosage), over-the-counter medications, and vitamin, mineral, and herbal supplements you take. The list should include herbal teas and supplements such as St. John's wort, echinacea, ginkgo, ephedra, and ginseng. Almost any substance that can change behavior can cause harm if used in the wrong amount or frequency of dosing, or in a bad combination. Drugs differ in the speed, duration of action, and in their margin for error.
Remember, there is no do-it-yourself way. Should you require any drugs or medicines your doctor will prescribe them, the chemist will provide safe pills and potions, you will be given the correct instructions for taking your items.
Please do not hesitate to post feedback on any subject on this site or with any suggestions or comments.Click on "FEEDBACK" top left of this page.
See "SYMPTOMS DURING GRIEVING"
"NON RELIGIOUS FUNERALS"
"LIFE AFTER DEATH"
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