Paraprosdokian sentences: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot.. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paycheques.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not sure.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
GONE HUNTING...
Two bowling friends decide to go hunting for the weekend, whilst out in the woods one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
LOVE IS BLIND!!...
Two bowlers were enjoying their after game drink in the pavilion and just chewing the cud when one asks "What's your favourite joke, George?"
George replies " It has to be the one about the blind skunk"
"The blind skunk? Go on then tell me". His friend says
George says " ... Fell in love with a fart."
TILTING...
A family took their frail, elderly father who just loved a game of bowls to a nursing home and left him, hoping he would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast, and sat him in a chair at a window overlooking the lovely flower garden. He seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair.
Two nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up. Again he seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more placed him back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old man was adjusting to his new home. "So Dad, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's really nice," he replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
NOT QUITE WHAT EXPECTED...
A young bowler was drinking in the local bar the other night and met a lady who was about 55 years old. They sat and drank and talked for while, and she eventually asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome.
The young bowler replied No! to which the lady said: 'Well, tonight is your lucky night'.
The young bowler just couldn't believe his luck.
She took him back to her place, as they entered the house, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, are you still awake?'.
DO WHATEVER...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up', she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went and had a game of bowls.
SHOWS YOUR AGE
Two old bowlers having a drink and a chat at the bar after their bowling game.
"You certainly played well today. How does it really feel to be 84 years old?"
"Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth and I've just wet myself".
KITTY AND JACK
My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone
He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch
He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch
So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack
with thanks to Lynn Delabertouche
TOM
Tom moves to a small village and soon join's the local bowls club.
All goes well and Tom soon makes many friends apart from Glenda, the village gossip.
Soon there is a rumour being spread by Glenda that Tom is an alcoholic and that she has seen his car parked outside the village pub on several occasions, and this shows he must be inside, boozing and up to no good.
Tom soon get's to hear the rumour but to everyones surprise he does not confront Glenda.
A few nights later Tom parks his car outside Glenda's house, locks it and leaves it there all night.
BRUVVERS
This is a story about two bowling brothers Tom and Bill Pillard.
One day, Tom Pillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital.
As the doctors were preparing his wife, Tom's idiot brother Bill arrived as well.
Tom entered the delivery room and during the proceedings he fainted.
When Tom woke up he was in a bed with a doctor standing above him.
"Mr Pillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious, your wife requested that Bill name the children"
"What! My brother to name the children. Tell me Doc what names did he choose"
"He named your daughter Denise"
Hmmm! That's not too bad thought Tom. "What did he name my son?"
"He named your son Denephew."
A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP
We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories.....
Why not bring along your wife or husband and get a wonderful bargain!
|
ADVICE
" If your Skip wants an opinion, he'll give it to you ".
TRYING
If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following:-.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.
SWOPS
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I've made in years.
TO WIN
"It matters not whether you Win or Lose........
what matters is whether I Win or Lose"
FRIENDSHIP
Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. He had passed to greens anew just last year, and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he seek the help of a medium, who agreed to try and make contact with Joe. So the next evening, after the usual formalities contact was made, and this is how it went.
"Hi Bob", said Joe.
"Whats it like up there?", asked Bob
"Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like", replied Joe.
"That's good news!", said Bob
"No!" said Joe," The good news is your skipping FRIDAY'S TRIPLES !!!!!"
Tam Stanton was in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
He puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
He puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
He puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, Dude. Do you think I could use the machine?”
Tam replies, “Sod off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
FIRE ENGINE
Tam Stanton staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, Tam starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Locked Out
Ian Hunt and Tam Stanton exited the club and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Tam asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't work" answered Ian "People will think we're trying to break in."
Then Tam suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Ian. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Tam, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
O CORNY IT HURTS!
ill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a
penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his
daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
But you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
Upset golfers
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost."Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
IF
If you can always roll the jack, right at your skipper's feet,
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
When asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the other bloke,
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
If you're the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero, what's more the only one!"
NOBODY'S DARLING
Up and down, walking walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking;
Shifting mats - keeping score,
thirty ends, maybe more;
Aching back - tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he's the marker!
CATERING
The club secretary was visiting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital, and asked about the place and things in general.
"The nurses are very good and so is the treatment" came the reply, "But the food gets a bit boring." What do you mean boring asked the secretary ?
Well we get "Haggis" for breakfast, "Haggis"for our lunch and then "Haggis"again for supper.
Well what do you expect says the secretary!
"THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT"
The Wailing Wall (or the notice board at the Bankton mains)
They beat their breasts and cried out loud,
As they faced the northern wall,
Where the selectors had placed the team selections
On the notice board was their call.
There were some that swore and some that cried,
And some who stood and muttered
Some were proud, some were coy,
And others merely stuttered.
There were voices raised in anger,
Shrill screams split the air,
There were those who didn't say a thing,
Because they really didn't care.
"I wont play with him", one said,
"He's a bloody hopeless skip."
And one who very quietly said,
"It's time I took my trip."
There were many self selections,
There were lots of "bloody hells!"
There weren't very many
who said the Selectors had done well.
The players knew who should be there,
They knew who to pick,
Just ask them when you hear them say,
"That selector is a $$##@!."
Each year the tears get deeper,
As on the floor they fall,
From those who stand in anguish
Before the wailing wall.
Advice
" If your Skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".
Definition of a Novice:
A new convert to bowls who confesses he knows nothing about the game and then becomes angry when you agree with him.
A SELECTORS PRAYER
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who accept with grace
To play in any selected place.
save
Lead: "How much am I short?"
Skip: "You ought to know, you're closer to it
-----------------------------
What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score and won't listen
Make them skip.
--------------------------
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week !
Best deal I have made in years.
-------------------------
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated
No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, and you'll get fired. She sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again.Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, Boy,is she gonna be in big trouble
The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, Anybody?
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye
Mrs. Parks said, Very good, Jimmy. Then she turned to Molly and continued. As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And Third, One day you are going to be VERY, VERY, VERY disappointed!!!
The local police arrested two old bowlers leaving the club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
So they charged one and let the other one off
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
The Wheels of Life
Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable:
If you see sheep YOU NEED GLASSES
Jokes 
Is he a good dentist?
A couple of old guys were out on the Bowling Green one said he was going to Dr
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years
before, “Is that so” the first said “Did he do a good job?”
“Well I was Bowling yesterday when the skip up the other end
fired a wood down”he said ‘the wood must have been going at 100 mph’ when it
hit me on the ankle, That” he added “was the first time in two years my
teeth didn’t hurt.
Bowls Jokes
Bowling balls
A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Half Hour Late
Half Hour Late A couple of weeks ago, I practised bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practise, so I asked him if he wanted to practise next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practised, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practise again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied
The magic of bifocal glasses
An old man called Barry, practises Bowls with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touchers. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends ‘4 touchers.
“Hey, Barry”, one friend asks, “what’s your secret? You’ve never bowled so well.’
‘ “Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack.
I aim for the large one, and the rest is history.”
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes.
When he returns, his trousers are drenched. `
`What happened Barry”
Barry, in confused voice, “I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back!”
How was your bowling game?
How was your bowling game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was bowling well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the bowl went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even bowl anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering up the green.
“I forgot.”
Four bowlers
Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practising. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”
And the bowler answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”
Skip was having a hard time
In ‘Your Bowls Club’ a well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.
“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.
Bowls Jokes / one liners
I rang up my local bowling club, I said “Is that the local bowling club?”
He said “It depends where you’re calling from.”
Lead: “How much am I short?”
Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I’ve made in years.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a bowling match. Q: how do you spell skip?——–A: G.O.D
Q: What do you do with someone who can’t draw, can’t roll the jack, can’t set the mat, can’t keep score and won’t listen?—-A: Make them skip A Bowls Selectors Prayer
Blessed are they who can play sport
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who accept with grace
To play in any SELECTED place!!
Amen
Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats – keeping score,
hirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back – tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker! TO WIN TO WIN
It matters not whether you Win or Lose,
What matters is whether I Win or Lose! Lady Bowler says to her friend “As I said before I never repeat myself – as long as I can remember I have amnesia”
General Jokes! I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said ‘job vacancy’. There was another sign below it that said ’self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he’s gone. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean … that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses and stops breathing. The other pulls out his mobile phone and dials 999.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down – I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
Silence, then the sound of a gunshot.
The hunter comes back on the line: “Ok – now what?” A man goes into a bar and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.” The barman turns and shouts in the kitchen, “Oi, Tracey! Someone to see you!” Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
LACK OF VISION
70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Note from an old man: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.” Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: “What’s that?”
Tina: “A condom.”
Sunny: “Where’d you get it?”
Tina: “You can get them at any chemist”
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel.” Mother of SIX A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
Bowling balls
A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbo
THE DUMB PAINTER
Tam Stanton was skint and in need of money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type. He began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. Tam went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
Tam said"How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. A short time later, Tam came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," Tam answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50.
"And by the way," Tam added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b*****s to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Grumpies of the World Unite
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
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COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
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THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
Site Last Updated - 12/02/2012
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